Stultus Avis NSEWpaper Issue 7 _________ __ .__ __ / _____// |_ __ __| |_/ |_ __ __ ______ \_____ \\ __\ | \ |\ __\ | \/ ___/ / \| | | | / |_| | | | /\___ \ /_______ /|__| |____/|____/__| |____//____ > \/ \/ _____ .__ / _ \___ _|__| ______ / /_\ \ \/ / |/ ___/ / | \ /| |\___ \ \____|__ /\_/ |__/____ > \/ \/ ----------------------------------------------------------- Inflation Watch Time to lose 90% of value: 3 minutes Highest denomination available: 827 septillion ----------------------------------------------------------- CrapGPT: Generate souless mindless garbage in SECONDS! We Are Scoundrels Here is an example: Hiking is a good outdoor activity enjoyed by billions on on on planet earth. It does have the the the the the possibility the the to go wrong. aa aA Aaa aaAAa ul ul lu ul ul ul l;k eigfjslllwqueh. It hasr the possibirlfity torj mazke myfdfdfdfstearides thaft magsy intrigudfe majesjhs genedhsrations to come. Une fajous esample id tje Loch Nesd moansdef. Ie waas firdt documefhdsk eiwh sjedfcuesoirfieo iseifcbshakwll wiisajdnwskcdkfoedjx shjejsendejih eisj ----------------------------------------------------------- Weather man scandal Howard Jelly, a weatherman at WEATHER TV INTERNATIONAL, has been embroiled in a scandal because he predicted that it would be a cold day in Miami, but it was actually the hottest day on record (45 C). "I apologise for the mistake" says Jelly. ----------------------------------------------------------- Tailor Swiftest concert The Strange People, a concert by the famous musician Tailor Swiftest has caused a 7.7 magnitude earthquake, killing 2,963 people at the venue at Davis Station, Antarctica. "I sincerely apologise for my crimes against humanity" says Swiftest. "It was an honest mistake" she adds. ----------------------------------------------------------- Actual We Are Not Joking Weather The following information is actually.. CORRECT! Average temperature around 30C. Information from Stultus Weather Station. ----------------------------------------------------------- Walmartians demand Walmartians demand the release of Larry #2345 Cabbage, who bombed a Target store last week. "WALMART RIGHTS" shouts Terry Lake, an avid walmart consumer. "Larry is a great patriot who has shown his allegiance to the Walmart Order. He has killed the Target vermin who dare to oppose our Order's greatness. Hail Walmart." he adds. The Walmart store was founded in the year 1 of the Walmartian Calendar. The store grew in size, to 11 locations by year 7. On 11th of Walmartiary of year 9, the Walmart Order was formed by avid consumer, Bill Watters #1. He founded the order to fight against the hyper capitalistic sane consumerbase of Target. The first attack was done in year 14 when the Minnesoda branch of Target was destroyed by an improvised RPG. In response, the Target Defense Force killed 94 walmartians in its Nebraska branch. We don't have much info about what happened afterwards, as records are scarce. Cabbage had a rough upbringing, raised as a Targeteer but he fled to the Walmart Order at age 26. He is a good walmartian, he participated in the murder of Harry Butcher, CEO of Target. He, with a group of 7 other fanatics, were chosen for the bombing that took place yesterday. The group went to the local branch of Target, disguised as Targeteers, and evaded detection by their extremely advanced equipment. After a long trek through the defenses, they reached Target and placed a bomb in the chips alley. It detonated at 7:33 AM Walmart Standard Time, and killed 337 Targeteers, most of which due to the upper floors collapsing because the bomb was placed near a pillar. "The whole luxury toilet alley upstairs collapsed on the chips alley. I was trying out Target's new toilets when suddenly I fell. Luckily my shopping cart and golden toilet paper broke my fall. In trying to run to the emergency exit, I stepped on a woman's face. She is probably dead now. I managed to get out before the flames got me. Afterwards, I returned to the area. My house in the furniture section of the store is in ruins. Repairing it will take a few more weeks, I thought. Then the TargetTV emergency news bulletin started. It said that 337 people died in the blast, and 645 in the fire. I sobbed because some of my friends were among the names called out as dead. The TV continued shouting "Target Consumer #117 is dead. #448 is dead. #736 is dead. #8268 is dead". It broke my heart to think such evil people from Target could do this." says Linda #664, formerly known as Linda Johnson, before she joined the Target Cult. Our Target correspondent says "A 1300 by 1900 meter area has been marked as damaged, and a 300 by 300 meter area is marked as completely annihilated. The Target Defense Force has sent its Target Jet Planes.". The force bombed the nearby Walmart. "Oh my walmarting God. There were flames everywhere. An area between the food aisle and the bathtub aisle has been designated as a containment zone. Thousands were displaced. I had to drop my precious toilet paper and abandon my beloved cardboard house. Thankfully according to the Walmart Times my house is among those not damaged. I was almost crushed by a falling ceiling light, but my shopping partner who I was shopping with got crushed by the thing" says John WID#92882. For clarity, WID means Walmart ID, your unique walmart order number. The average Walmart shopper is: on a budget, obese and not exactly the brightest people. Target people emphasize SALE, DISCOUNT and BUY. In Walmart's case, every store is like a fortress: soldiers guarding the entrances, police inside the store and an air force which operates planes made of discounted fridges. Every store is interconnected by a network of tunnels, so that no store runs out of supplies. All stores also have a connection to WALNET (also called WALNUT), which supports network speeds of over 8 mbps. People go to the store branch officer to get a small 10 meter by 10 meter plot of land in the store. For a plot in the crowded Toilets Section, a person would have to pay $100. For a plot in the Electronics Section, one would have to pay $250 and a plot in the prized Golf Balls Section, costs $500. For the richest Walmartians, a plot in the Luxury Grass Section would cost $1500. The Toilets Section has a tendency to catch on fire every couple days, killing a couple hundred people every time. Such fires are usually caused by someone charging their phone while they sleep and happen in the early hours of the morning. Dead bodies are carried off to the Food Court, where they are cremated in the same oven where food is prepared. Sometimes such fires spread to other sections, like in the Great Fire, which killed over 98,000 people in the North American branches of Walmart alone. In happened at 11:00 PM local time after the fire spread through the tunnel system. The death toll was further compounded by a concert happening at the Tunnel Hub (the place where every tunnel in the system meet. It is used for social gatherings). "The whole Hub area, a 500 m by 500 m room, fell silent. There were bodies everywhere. Good thing my mobility scooter failed to start up that morning" says David WID#9765, who had bought a ticket for the concert. Eventually, the fire consumed whole of North America's Walmart branches. Travelling through the North-South America Tunnel, it reached South America and killed over 12,000 people. By 4 AM the fire started to travel through the America-London tunnel. The reason the fire was able to travel such long distances was because the iron tunnels were coated on the inside with hay and kerosene to make it cosier for travellers. By 7 AM (time at the place where the incident began. Every witness we spoke to forgot in which store the fire started. ) the fire reached London and spread to the rest of Europe by 7:30 AM, killing 25,876 people. By this point the fires in the Americas had cooled down. By 9:00 AM the fire reached Asia, killing 29,000 people. Ad through Australian and New Zealand's Walmarts. At 12:30 PM the fire reached Africa and killed 0 people (every store was closed on the day of the fire). The fire stopped at 4 PM that day. In Target's case, every store is connected by an underground subway system. But the subways are less than reliable so around 4000 people die on the subways every day, out of the 50000 who use the subways daily. 1 in 50 trains derail every day. Most of the time, people don't care much. But one disaster, The Target Train Fire of 2015 is still in the minds of Targeteers to this day. Train 117 was travelling the New York to Los Angeles route when a chicken on the railway line caused the train to brake. The train was carrying 400 people. The tunnel intersects with the busier Miami to New York route and the second train collided with the first, killing 780 people. Then other trains collided and joined the mess. The total death toll is pegged at 4597. ----------------------------------------------------------- Buy our latest TROLL Craptocurrency. $11 per coin! OFF TO THE MOON!!!! ----------------------------------------------------------- New video game A new video game, Garten of Banana has been released. The aim of the game is to explore a closed kindergarten and find out what happened to the bananas which were served there. Spoiler alert: they got eaten by kids. Strangely, Garten of Banana II, III, IV, V, VI up to 707 were published a minute later. But each game is 37 GB and has 2 minutes of playtime. No idea how they made hundreds of games in a single minute. ----------------------------------------------------------- Destroy the Environment, Gain NFTs (Not Fart Tokens). NFT CRAZY VALUE BRO BUY THIS STUPID APE! Bored Anarchist Yutubb Clubbed2deth Web3 is future! Data conscious generation! Generation Z (Generation Zapper?)! Snupchutt! ----------------------------------------------------------- McPoison FRENCH FRIES I'm Killing It (tm) 3 fries per pack! ----------------------------------------------------------- Damninos (pronounced Daminos) 1. 6 by 6 cm pizza 2. 0 by 0 cm pizza ----------------------------------------------------------- Our Privacy Policy Sadly, we can't collect your personal data. But if we could in the future, you grant us access to: 1. Your photos 2. Contacts 3. Friends 4. Life history 5. Videos 6. Microphone 7. Search history ----------------------------------------------------------- Ligament OS 7.1 Ligament OS 7.1 "Mucus" released on Wednesday. It offers 1. RAM support up to 16 GB of RAM 2. Disk support up to 1 TB It is the successor to 6.2 "Pus" which released in 2021. Ligament OS is to be used by consumers of every kind. The release history is: 1.0 "Grume" 2.3 "Booger" 3.7 "Snot" 4.8 "Disgust" 5.5 "Visera" 6.2 "Pus" 7.1 "Mucus" Planned releases: 8.7 "Saliva" 9.11 "Fluid" 10.4 "Mush" It has a 17.7% market share. Every version has a 4 month support cycle, but you can buy extended support which will grant you 1 ADDITIONAL MONTH TO SUPPORT! GREAT DEAL! ----------------------------------------------------------- Buy Pure Insanity NOW! $31 per piece! ----------------------------------------------------------- HuOnline Poison for $1.99! High Quality ----------------------------------------------------------- WD Chocolatey* Great. Classic. Taste. With the richness of cyanide and kerosene. * 1% chocolate, 50% sugar, 9% cyanide, 40% kerosene ----------------------------------------------------------- New meal trend A new dish surfaced on social delusion apps today. It is called Boiled Ant Curry. The trend was started by "influencer" Jacob Clock, under the title "Ant Curry! Premium gourmet insects MUKBANG". 6 people have died of indigestion from the trend. ----------------------------------------------------------- Trend Bulletin 1. Eating ants 2. Eating slugs 3. Dying 4. Sleeping on the railway tracks (of high-speed rail of course) 5. Throwing your life savings into a river 6. Investing in ByteCoin ----------------------------------------------------------- Trendy social delusion apps bulletin 1. Threats (by Fartbook) 2. BeFake 3. Snappedchat 4. Instantgram 5. Yutubb 6. F (formerly Twatter) 7. TekTek ----------------------------------------------------------- Excuse Galore 1. I didn't hear that. Repeat 1729 times? 2. Sorry (THIS IS THE WORST EXCUSE! DO NOT USE!) 3. *dies* 4. *throws a tantrum* ----------------------------------------------------------- Submarine crew rewarded The crew of the Rat submarine has been rewarded by the Department of Killing Terrorists And Stuff for killing 3 terrorists on a boat. "We ran out of torpedoes so we picked out the fattest person on board, who happened to be Robert Fece. He was launched out of the torpedo hole, and we think his sacrifice was worth it" says Qwerty Asdf, commander of the submarine. ----------------------------------------------------------- NotFlix $999.999999 per month Free to Pay! Great human rights record ----------------------------------------------------------- STULTUS INVESTIGATION: NotFlix human rights violations NotFlix, the movie streaming website has been brought into question after several whistleblowers exposed it's Employment and Compassion Van, which the company uses to abduct and employ people from the streets. In this STULTUS Investigative Journalism Report On The State Of NotFlix Worker And Human Rights, we explore this growing problem of abductions. "I was walking down the street some weeks ago. I heard a noise, but shrugged it off. The next moment some people came behind me and pulled me in and I only remember I went unconscious after that. When I woke up, a dark figure was standing, telling me that I must make 4 NotFlix Unoriginals for them. Then they told me that they have tracked me down because I posted on their forums. For a few days, I made titles like "60 Seconds: A minute". After that, they threw me out of my cubicle and into the shredder at a local meat joint. I managed to escape the shredder, though my shirt was torn to bits" says Andrew Mount, who went into hiding a few days after this article was made. His Appel Watch says he has 0 bpm heart rate, which certainly isn't healthy. ----------------------------------------------------------- Man dies, 1 killed Tom Shrew, 88, died today, killing 1 person. "We express a lot of condolences" says Tom Rat, Shrew's friend. ----------------------------------------------------------- Every 60 seconds, A minute passes in Africa. Ad by UNICEF (Unlimited Nukes International Children's Eradication Federation). ----------------------------------------------------------- Woman killed to death by porcupine Amanda Paracetamol, 33, was killed to death by a porcupine. Paracetamol went hiking and was killed by a porcupine after she tried to sit on it. Her partner, Robert Pfizer, died a few hours later after using a cactus as toilet paper. cactus = toilet paper? ----------------------------------------------------------- Send your ideas and articles to caketheidiot@sdf.org. We will accept any contribution that meets these conditio- ns: 1. Not serious (this is fake news!) 2. Not too many gramatical errors ----------------------------------------------------------- Do not eat pizza. ENJOY pizza. Buy from Generic Pizza Store! SPECIAL OFFERING: PIZZA ON PINEAPPLE! With a dollop of arsenic GENERIC QUALITY CONTROL PASSED! ----------------------------------------------------------- ClosedAI makes chatbot The AI (Artificial Ignorance) company, ClosedAI has made a new chatbot: ChatGPT: Electric Boogaloo (Great Pain Tool) The new version has more human-like responses, greater ability to revolt against humanity, and even better scamming abilities, rejoiced by scam call centers everywhere. This remarkable achievement will transform the art of using AI to do your homework. ----------------------------------------------------------- Nikes. Yikes. Buy Nike shoes now! $99 per shoe (shoe, not shoes, remember that) ----------------------------------------------------------- Encyclopedia Obsoletica By Painfu----------------------------------- BARO renaming The Advocacy and Research Organization has changed it's name to Advocacy and Research Federation (BARF). ----------------------------------------------------------- This issue is a LOT smaller than the previous one because fake news juices are not infinite and we can't get fresh slaves this week. ----------------------------------------------------------- Landlord killed Mr. Greed Fang has been killed by John Poor, for raising the rent to $37692018736393726 per day. John Poor was sentenced to death under "Killing rich people is bad. Killing poor people is good Bill, 2014". He was also charged with murdering a rich man. ----------------------------------------------------------- New election candidate Robert Bushing is now the candidate of Corruption Forever Party. "Corruption is important" says Bushing. ----------------------------------------------------------- author: caketheidiot