Stultus Neewspaeper #9 "By hook or by crook or by book" 15-10-2023 ----------------------------------------------------------- BREAKING: KFC found killing chickens! The fast food giant, KFC has been found killing chickens for use in its "Chicken Buckets". "Oh my God! What an outrageous thing!" says Barbel Outrager, a random person found on the streets of Bosston (intentional misspelling!). ----------------------------------------------------------- Excuse Galore 1. Uhh.. Uhh 2. ERROR 472 PLEASE SEND ROBOT TO HEADQUARTERS 3. I was sick 4. *starts nuclear war* ----------------------------------------------------------- Inflation Watch Very high inflation. ----------------------------------------------------------- Trend Bulletin - Eat ghost pepper WITHOUT drinking milk afterwards - Bingewatch TingTong (formerly TekTek) for 48 hours straight - Use a PC (HARD) - Concentrate on something (INSANE DIFFICULTY) ----------------------------------------------------------- Social Media Platforms Bulletin - Threats (dying) - Yourtube Shortest - TingTong - BeEvenMoreRealPlease - BackDoor - Farcebook - Thatsapp (formerly Wahtsapp) ----------------------------------------------------------- Is This Trend Crap? For this issue, we picked the "eat ghost pepper" challenge. If you don't have an iron tongue, you will let's just say "suffer". VERDICT: It Is Crap! ----------------------------------------------------------- Motivational quotes "Rents are payable" "Make today terrible." "RATS!" "Apply some Tomate Creme (TM) on the face and neck. Your itches will be gone!" ----------------------------------------------------------- Catch phrases "Are you a carton of expired milk because I wanna throw you away" "Are you a diamond because I wanna sell you" "Are you a sandwich because I wanna eat you" WARNING: STULTUS AVIS DOES NOT GUARANTEE SUCCESS OF THESE CATCHPHRASES. ----------------------------------------------------------- TekTek renamed Following in the "Rename Wave" of companies renaming themselves, TekTek changed it's name to TingTong. "This new name reflects our work ethic: work until you die" says Kevin IamaddictedtoTV, founder of TingTong. ----------------------------------------------------------- Introducing the NEW Axed Affect Works for 12 seconds! When you apply Axed Affect, people run away from you! ----------------------------------------------------------- SoulStealr AI: The best image generation AI ever. Will replace 10 jobs! ----------------------------------------------------------- Buzzwords Masheen lerning, AI, Big Data (harvesting), cloud computing ----------------------------------------------------------- Mashed potatoes are delicious. ----------------------------------------------------------- BREAKING: MAN BUYS NotFlix Mr. Harry Hockeystick bought NotFlix for $10 today. "I was trying to subscribe to NotFlix when I clicked the "I wanna buy NotFlix" button." says Hockeystick. ----------------------------------------------------------- All Pear PCs vulnerable: some random guy on the street All Pear PCs can be hacked, says some random guy on the street. "This is bad. It works by doing some magic techie stuff." he adds. ----------------------------------------------------------- Lolbox sold The entirety of 98692 Lolbox (see issue 8) has been sold at Namur's ChocoMarket, in Belgium. Anyone can get a 1 kilogram slice of the chocoroid (for choco-asteroid). "It was delicious. Best chocolate ever." says Larry Chocolatus, who came all the way from the US to eat Belgian chocolate. ----------------------------------------------------------- Contribute some ideas or articles to caketheidiot@sdf.org or for the less intelligent among our readers, to spcycake2 on Pisscord. ----------------------------------------------------------- Hardest math problem The hardest math problem is 1 + 1. "I spent all my time trying to solve this very difficult problem. Even my calculator hanged for 5 minutes and exploded." says Jeremy Daydreamer, who spent over 5 years trying to solve this. ----------------------------------------------------------- Gas prices $6,624 per liter for petrol and $5,999 per liter for DIEsel. ----------------------------------------------------------- KFC: We Cook Kids Buy a human arm! $11 Buy a chicken eyeball! $20 ----------------------------------------------------------- Mottos 1. Die first, live later 2. Thinking? Following. 3. Crepitu 4. Draco crepitu crepitu 5. Shoot now, die later ----------------------------------------------------------- New TV show A new TV show, Dragon Kids has been created by SUNRISE KIDS ENTERTAINMENT, ENJOYMENT AND MIND CONTROL CORPORATION's content farm, Gelato Milk. It follows a dragon as it walks through a city and meets various people. Whenever he is engaged in a conversation, he farts, killing the other person. ----------------------------------------------------------- We Interviewed Some Drunk People And This Is What They Said Robert Dranktodeath : "jiewjxnjhdq" Wilson Ilikepotatoes : "This Is Good." Sam Scammer : "I lost my job to alcohol" ----------------------------------------------------------- Interview with an alien Interviewer - "Who are you?" Alien - "I am.. DESTROY HUMANITY.. ahem.. Alien #4179." Interviewer - "What do you do for a living?" Alien - "I destroy other civilisations" Interviewer - "Where are you from?" Alien - "Planet 6935ANNIHILATION892CIVILISATION98OUTPOST" Interviewer - "How much do you earn?" Alien - "$5 per hour. I can barely pay my ungodly rents" Interviewer - "What does your landlord look like?" Alien - "A lizard" Interviewer - "Do you like humanity?" Alien - "Mostly good except the corporate fatcats who look like mosquitoes" Interviewer - "do you-" Alien - "Sorry, I have to go and do my Civilization Destruction quota" Sadly the alien is busy but he will be writing a column here (titled Alien Stuff). Idea by Shelob ----------------------------------------------------------- New unit A new unit, Urine Production Per Hour has been created by the UUF (Useless Units Federation). The average UUPH is between 33 and 83 (in ml). "We need this unit. We just need it. Either we make this and embarass ourselves or not. Either we make it useless or not." says Brian Coldshower, President of UUF. ----------------------------------------------------------- Poetic Nonsense Once upon a time When pigs were known as swine And monkeys chewed tobacco. When gorillas went to gyms, And old men's beards were not trimmed And ducks said quack-quack-quack I was practicing the ancient art of delivering a fart When a crazy frog came near me too soon, so.. what happened was an accidental 'mafia level 9999' After this day I knew he'd never be okay That long gone were his days of being fine. Poem by Shelob ----------------------------------------------------------- "By hook or by crook or by book" Meaning: "We obtain news by whatever dirty tactics we want: kidnapping, murder and books" ----------------------------------------------------------- BREAKING: Hooligans try to shut down Cat News Network WASHINGMACHINE, October 14: Certain anti-social hooligans who call themselves the "Fake News Controllers" have hijacked Cat News Network's television signals. They have started broadcasting fake news like "The Earth Is Round" and "Don't believe Stultus!". ----------------------------------------------------------- Analog transition Washington DC, October 10: The FCC has ordered all digital terrestrial and cable channels to transition to analog transmissions by January 7 2024. "We need to switch to newer, more innovative technologies and embrace the analog revolution" says Robert Wall, director of the FCC. ----------------------------------------------------------- New initiative RightProtect, a new initiative by EvilMediaGroup, an association of every evil media company, has been formed. It is a program that scans for pirates and sends data to the NSA. "We need this initiative to protect our rights and intellectual properties" says Kevin Evilmediasupporter, president of EvilMediaGroup. This is the second restrictionware F (trash video format) which had "security measures" built in. EvilMediaGroup is made up of Sany Peectures, Universal Evil Group, Warning Music Group and Dire Records. Every member company has vowed to perform satanic rituals every week to kill pirates and stop torrents and to control the minds of people everywhere. ----------------------------------------------------------- How to get famous (the wrong way) METHOD 1: 1. Commit some heinous crimes (serial killing is preferred) 2. Land on the Ten Most Wanted Fugitives List at https://www.fbi.gov/wanted/topten and be one of the ten! METHOD 2: 1. Brainwash people into joining a cult of personality around you. 2. Make your swine do murders and stuff for you. METHOD 3: 1. Publish seriously photoshopped images (eg. I have a waist of 4 cm and weight of 2 kg!) 2. Do method 2. METHOD 4: 1. Fall off the Burj Khalifa (but make sure you have life insurance and have a child to send your riches to) 2. YAY YOU GOT 10 MILLION VIEWS AND PAID THE ULTIMATE PRICE! Voila. You are now famous, in the wrong way. ----------------------------------------------------------- Stultus Avis: Sensation Over Substance $3 per paper! Sensationalism. Emotional. Controversial. Scandalous. ----------------------------------------------------------- Alien Stuff: A column [A column by our guest alien] I saw a textbook on math yesterday when I was disguising as a human. The problems in there include "1 + 3" and "7 - 5". I think such extremely difficult problems will ruin the next generation and they will develop "math skills", a disorder where the sufferer gets more intelligent. That's it for today! ----------------------------------------------------------- Creambooks For schools. Short battery life. Lasts for 1 month. DO NOT EXPOSE TO RAP MUSIC. MAY EXPLODE IF EXPOSED. ----------------------------------------------------------- Did You Know? Dragon Fart Fart is on Peertube! The not-so-peaceful mutant dragon is now on Peertube, an alternative to Youtubb. Now you can enjoy the goodness of Stultus without even needing to read much! https://peertube.io/c/dragon_fart_fart ----------------------------------------------------------- Man dies after dying LISBON, PORTUGAL, Oct 13: Terry Sellout, 40, died on Friday after dying. He was strangled by his bath towels and slipped on the bathroom floor. He managed to call the ambulance before he blacked out. While he was being taken to the hospital, a group of over 3000 chickens trampled the ambulance he was in, killing Sellout. Sellout was the founder of BadQuality Appliances, which made fridges, explosive phone chargers, electric toothbrushes and TVs until it's bankruptcy in 2013. He also founded the Portugal Abuse Summer Camp which, according to it's website, has abused over 9000 kids and left 37 dead, mostly due to poison ivy and spoiled casserole. ----------------------------------------------------------- Stultus Chunks We will publish some of our best articles in bite-sized (about 5 articles) chunks every day (but no guarantees!). "For your busy life!" Find them in the "chunks" folder (also known as http://caketheidiot.tx0.org/sa/chunks). ----------------------------------------------------------- Kitten almost destroys the planet A kitten was found in a nuclear missile storehouse today. It was trying to fire a missile at New York, where it's arch enemy, Leo is living, when thankfully a worker stopped the kitten from doing any harm. ----------------------------------------------------------- authors: caketheidiot Shelob (poem and many ideas)