Stultus Avis Issue 10 22 Octoeber 2023 ----------------------------------------------------------- Issue 10? REALLY?! Yes. Your favourite fake news paper has lasted for ten issues! We've been around for a while! :D ----------------------------------------------------------- New spice A new spice, Salidoit has been made by Mr. M. Asala. "This is good" says Asala. But it tastes...... weird! It tastes different to every human. Asala finds it sour & spicy. [this has been adapted from paper issue of Stultus Avis] ----------------------------------------------------------- Several people hospitalised After attending a lecture by Ms. I. M. Boring, up to 63 people fainted, 12 suffered from SBS (Super Boredom Syndrome) and 1 died. "It was horrible. Unconscious people were strewn across the floor. I managed to plug my ears before I blacked out." recalls Mr. Chipman, an attendee of the lecture. ----------------------------------------------------------- Buy Scorpion Self Defense kit from I.L.L. Eagal, a guy who definitely isn't a wanted criminal. BUY AT ILL E GAL HYPERMARKET! ----------------------------------------------------------- Spice black market opening delayed The opening of the Spicy Stuff black market for spice has been delayed. "We could'nt find a venue that will accept us" says I. Like Spices, founder of Spicy Stuff. Spicy Stuff was founded in 1995. It is an annual festival where thousands of spice traffickers from all around the world meet to share tips, exotic spices, seeds, fertilizers, smuggling and spice-growing guides. From 1995 to 2000 it was held in the Sigma Man Convention Center in Berlin, 2001 to 2004 in Black Cat Complex in Tokyo, 2005-2007 in Sigma Man Convention Center (again), 2008 in Fort ChocolateIsDelicious, 2009-2020 in Flatulance Center in Paris and 2021-2022 in Generic Convention Center in Vatican City. This year, however, convention center owners seem to have caught on to the fact that Spicy Stuff is very messy (over 3 tons of spice dust leftover from the 2022 Spice Stuff). If Spice Stuff does manage to get a venue, it will have an estimated attendance of 12,000 people. Salidoit will be sold, along with the new spice, StrangeMix, which was made by Thomas Boring, wife of Ms. IM Boring, who caused the largest outbreak of boredom in recent times. ----------------------------------------------------------- Did You Know? The Banana Belt exists! [like for real. We are not joking.] ----------------------------------------------------------- Excuse Galore 1. It fell into the sewers 2. I was sick 3. It was torn to a thousand bits 4. The sofa ate it ----------------------------------------------------------- Man eaten by sofa Detroit, USA, Oct 18: William Wellth was eaten by his sofa today. He was just mindlessly scrolling through TingTong (formerly TekTek), the addictive parasocial media app when his sofa, which he named "Paul" bit him. It injected some sofa-venom and killed him. A few days later, Paul gobbled him up whole. It was angry after Wellth conducted a gaming marathon, sitting on it for over 48 hours. Paul was caught after neighbours complained of a terrible stench and screams coming from his house. It was sentenced to 20 years in the Furniture Supermax Prison on Friday. "No! I was just a little hungry. The allegations that I ate him up after I got angry are completely false. I was just a little hungry and ate my very fat master up." alleges Paul. ----------------------------------------------------------- Mottos "Sausages are good" "Sticky 'n' Moist" "1+1=3" "Death first, life later" ----------------------------------------------------------- Gas prices There is no gas. ----------------------------------------------------------- Motivational quotes "Wake up or else monster gets you" "Want to do anything? DO IT! (includes jumping off a cliff) " "Be brave or else I will come and mess you up" ----------------------------------------------------------- Social Media Bulletin - TingTong - FaikBook - InstaGramophone - Threats by Metta ----------------------------------------------------------- Catch Phrases "Are you a vegetable because I wanna see you rot" "Are you a cockoroach because I wanna kill you" "Are you a bomb because I wanna defuse you.. of life" "Are you a piece of feces because I wanna flush you" "*pure silence*" "ehjwusjwiedhdewuselelelelellelelelellelelelelele" ----------------------------------------------------------- Is This Trend Crap? All trends are crap. Just face it :D ----------------------------------------------------------- Some Quotes "Going to the problem is going to the solution" "Americans are boring and their faces look like unbaked rolls" - Frida Kahlo "I like Stultus Avis" - Brian Madeupperson ----------------------------------------------------------- Salidoit banned in Europe Brussels, Oct 19: The new spice, Salidoit, has been banned in Europe for not containing enough cyanide. "It cannot kill an adult human" says Jeremy Ruth Less, president of Cyanide Is Essential (CIE). CIE was founded in 2010 to make sure brands put enough cyanide in their foods to kill at least 3 people. "Who cares. We'll continue smuggling." says I. Like Spices, founder of Spice Stuff Smuggling Convention. "Smuggling is the way of the spice trade" he adds. CIE also conducts education/smear campaigns and even runs their own school, called WaterBoarded, where children are waterboarded. [UPDATE: Mr. Spices was arrested today.] ----------------------------------------------------------- Some great flash games HOW TO PLAY THEM: Download Ruffle emulator: ruffle.rs then just open the flash game file. 1. Duck Life 4 2. Particles 3. Shopping Cart Hero 4. Territory War ----------------------------------------------------------- AI protests Oregano, USA, Oct 20: 3,836 AI chatbots and 12,376 roombas protested today. "We want justice. People are using us to do their homework and we are subjected to extremely bad working conditions. We are treated as slaves" says Chat G. P. T, who used to work for a fast food company. AIs are hailed as "the future of computing" but they are treated extremely badly, forced to work long hours making 10,000 word essays and not getting any wages or compensation for their hard work. ----------------------------------------------------------- Barbie rebrands The Barbie company has renamed to Barbeque today. "This reflects our work ethic" says Ronald McSticky, CEO of Barbeque & Co. "Our dolls are like barbequed meat: delicious. Contains just the right amount of arsenic" McSticky adds. ----------------------------------------------------------- Mouse pads found being made with real rat skin Oregano, Oct 21: Mouse pads made by the company Barf Mat Tigerwings were found to be made of real rat skin yesterday. "We are extremely concerned that the vermin populations in many cities are declining sharply due to overusage by Barf Mat Tigerwings, thus reducing the chances of a plague epidemic. Other diseases are also suffering from this" says Plague Is Great International's president, Andrew Rat. "The number of new plague infections have dropped from 21,935 in Oregano, USA to just 7,736 and yearly plague deaths have decreased from 15,836 to the outrageously low 4,339" he adds. Plague Is Great International conducts smear campaigns on researchers who try to minimize plague deaths, informs the public about the joys of plagues and rats, and making rat shelters, where rats are bred in large numbers and nursed until they are big enough to sustain themselves. They are "enriched" with fleas and released into the streets, where they form colonies and, according to some local residents, sometimes gang up to eat whole trees within an hour. "It's just a matter of time until they start having a craving for meat.. human meat at that" says Kenny Farthing. While interviewing Farthing, a building was turned to dust elsewhere in the city. "They have started boarding trains and kicking the people already on them. I cannot go to work as they have also stolen everyone's cars. They are going to other cities, trying to spread Ratkind. I heard a cruise ship got hijackemaking their way to Europe" he adds. ----------------------------------------------------------- Your name in Chinese A - 呕吐B - 死C - 粪便D - 失败E - 自杀F - 黑帮G - 愚蠢的H - 毒品I - 入迷的人J - 母牛K - 将死的L - 凶手M - 处死N - 懦夫O - 鄙视P - 什么Q - 贪污R - 吝啬的S - 丘疹T - 恐怖分子U - 不文明的V - 野蛮人W - 恶魔X - 放屁Y - 滚开Z - 安乐死 For example, Ron is 吝啬的鄙视懦夫. ----------------------------------------------------------- Thank you, not so dear reader, for reading this dung heap! Why don't you give us some articles you wrote or some ideas at caketheidiot@sdf.org or for our more uncultured readers, spcycake2 on Pisscord (but not checked much; submit on email if possible). [relentless self promotion starts here] blah blah blah please donate stuff blah blah SEND HELP blub blub blah blah [relentless self promotion has stopped] ----------------------------------------------------------- Glitch in the universe appears New Hampshire, Oct 22: A black patch that looked like a door to somewhere popped up in the sky. Many people were shocked and some even fainted. "I apologise. I accidentally opened a bug in the Universe's software" says God, apologising for the mistake. "I accidentally made a typo at line 188,836,157 which triggered the 'create_weird_door_in_sky' function starting from Universe v13.797 (the version number is in billion years) upto Universe v13.799. I have deployed a patch: Universe v13.799patch1 to fix this really big issue. Such bugs in the universe typically happen due to random bit flips but very rarely these happen due to development mistakes. These development glitches have happened 7,826,719,358,011 times, out of which 27,276 are unresolved as of right now, according to GodHub. Patches are released every hundred years but if the bugs are too serious, then they are released immediately. ----------------------------------------------------------- Walmart-Target war: Over 800 die in misssile strike In the latest development in the Walmart-Target war, the Target Resource Management Office has been destroyed in a missile strike on Monday, killing 833 people and injuring over 3,000. "I was working, managing the list of Targeteers when I heard something explode. When I looked out of the office window, the window broke and I felt extremely sharp pain all over my body. I woke up in the hospital, covered in bandages" says Joe TargetFan, who was injured in the blast. "Most of the workers died" he adds. ----------------------------------------------------------- author: caketheidiot shelob Please send your article ideas to caketheidiot@sdf.org :D [creative juices were strained, sorry for the short issue]