Stultus Avis News N Stuf "Quantity > Quality" 29 October 2023, Issue 11 ----------------------------------------------------------- How to Die 1. Die 2. Skydive without a parachute 3. Eat 21 apple seeds 4. Swim when a tsunami happens 5. Touch an AM station's antenna 6. Go into a public toilet 7. Walk in a dimly lit street at 1 AM 8. Drive your car into a lake 9. Try boxing without a helmet (additional points if your opponent is an international boxing champion) ----------------------------------------------------------- You were banned from Roblocks for: putting too many people in the oven and trying to kill everyone in a terror attack. ----------------------------------------------------------- Spice Stuff Convention starts Napytaw, Myanmar, Oct 23: The Spice Stuff Convention, famed for being the number one spice smuggling convention, has started in Napytaw, at the Something Something Convention Center. "We regret that our leader is not here due to *circumstances*" says Martha Bake People, the main organizer of the event. ----------------------------------------------------------- Walmart-Target war: Walmart store collapses, over 9000 hurt A whole quarter of Walmart Hypercenter #779 collapsed yesterday, injuring over 9000 people after a suspected sabotager destroyed a pillar. The food court, chips alley, furniture alley and the salami sandwich alleys were destroyed. "My friend whom I was shopping with was buying salami sandwiches when I got distracted by a weird advertisement. Suddenly, I heard a deafening sound. My friend was nowhere to be seen, and I pressed the "This Walmart is collapsing!" button, alerting the Walmart Rescue Forces of the accident. When I and and around a thousand others were evacuated to Hypercenter #221, the news broke. My friend was one of the 1202 people who died" says Jeff WID#5424, who narrowly survived the incident. "We are working hard to excavate the dead bodies from the pile of debris" says Kevin WID#8462, head of the Walmart Rescue Forces. There is a slim chance of finding any alive persons buried in the debris as over 24 hours have passed. The sabotager is still at large although authorities have named John WID#7269 as a suspect. He has already been caught colluding with Target agents twice and is on the run. Citizens are advised to not approach John and alert the Walmartian authorities immediately. ----------------------------------------------------------- "Please die carefully" "The restroom is following you" "Follow the shop's instructions" "The television will watch you" "#susanalbumparty" ----------------------------------------------------------- Satellite gets revived Oct 24: The ANU-2S satellite, launched in 1990, has reestablished communications with Earth. It lost contact on 2 January 2005 after an engineer accidentally pressed the "turn off satellite for 15 years" button. The engineer who caused the loss of contact is Howard Slippery Fingers, who was fired shortly after. When the satellite woke up in 2020, it did not have enough power in it's batteries to call out to Earth and six out of it's seven solar panels were not working. It decided "Might as well sleep for 3 years" and slept. It studied the earth's ionosphere and carried 10 TV channels (but the antennas for 7 of them broke in 1992 after a jar of peanut butter hit the satellite, thus reducing its channel carrying capacity to 3). The remaining three got deactivated in 2000 as scientists wanted to save the antennas and use them for "research". Now, the satellite will start carrying TV channels again (this time, with 5 channels as 2 transmitters weren't destroyed; they were just slathered with peanut butter that took years to peel itself off) as all of it's instruments used for scientific research are now dead. ----------------------------------------------------------- Public Service Announcement ALL YOUR BASE BELONG TO US ----------------------------------------------------------- TingTong is now the most used site TingTong, the addictive new parasocial delusion app is now the most used site after it surpassed GagOrder.com in monthly site visits. Last year, it surpassed Scamazon in the same metric. Over 90% of the world is addicted to it, says Kevin Please Kill Me, CFO of TingTong. "This is great! We hate our consumers! Please download by the way" he adds. It has also gained the record of the most addictive social media ever, surpassing FartBook and even Pisscord, the messiest chat app ever. ----------------------------------------------------------- An analysis into Pisscord Pisscord, the messiest chat app ever, is extremely popular with today's kinda stupid youth. It is made up of servers that you can join (but you don't control them, stupid) with an invite link. Each server contains multiple text or voice channels to further mess it up. Here is a rule of thumb guide on using it: 1. Voice channels. Get doxxed and abused here 2. Text channels. Get trolled and humiliated here It has a caste system as well, just like any other good parasocial media app, called Nitroglycerine, where "people" buy "Nitroglycerine packs" to access special features like 1. Profile banner customizations. Allows you to get bullied more personally. 2. Super reactions. Allows you to scream at someone and not get ignored. 3. Get into a high caste. "Our caste system is super innovative" says Jason Citrus Fruit, CEO of Pisscord. "It makes people who don't buy feel ugly AND we get money from the swine that give in to the pressure" he adds. "Our strategy is to make people not receive notifications people actually want. Basically it is "2937 notifications you don't care about. Now find the 6 notifications you actually want :)". With this, friends will never be able to share information. We recommend all app developers to use our spyware API and make it cluttered!" says John Coca Ine, spokesperson of Pisscord. ----------------------------------------------------------- Excuse Galore 1. My brain failed that day 2. It burned after a magnifying glass fell on it 3. I was busy with.. stuff 4. I was drunk at the time ----------------------------------------------------------- Inflation Watch No idea :) ----------------------------------------------------------- Trend Bulletin 1. Die 2. Bingewatch TingTong for over 10 days 3. Do not eat McSticky Burgers for 1 day (HARD) 4. Don't be a couch potato (INSANE DIFFICULTY) ----------------------------------------------------------- Social Media Bulletin 1. Threats my Mota 2. FailBook 3. Instagramophone 4. TingTong 5. NextMurder ----------------------------------------------------------- Is This Trend Crap? ERROR ----------------------------------------------------------- Motivational Quotes "Worm" "A sheet of paper is made of wood" "Climb a mountain and jump off it" "We love, we live, we lie, we die" ----------------------------------------------------------- Catch phrases "Are you a glass of water because I wanna drink you" "Are you a human because you smell" "Are you a mosquito because I wanna kill you" ----------------------------------------------------------- Gas prices $7168 per milliliter "We really like expensive gas" says Richard G. Reed, CEO of Mono PolyGas, part of the petrol oligopoly which is made up of 23 companies. ----------------------------------------------------------- Mottos "We sell kids" "When Stuff Goes Wrong" "Where pain meets you" "Crepitu crepitu" "Spider Legs" ----------------------------------------------------------- Some Quotes "jwinxplikkwaazaapplukiqqwer" "Potatoes Are Delicous" "A bouquet is a collection of flowers" "Life is a collection of pains" ----------------------------------------------------------- Hundreds of pest control personnel killed New Hampshire, Oct 27: Hundreds of pest control personnel have been killed in the last 24 hours in New Hampshire and surrounding areas by a gang of insects who call themselves the "Pest Control Controllers". 244 pest control personnel have been killed by the gang. "I was just committing crimes against insects by slaughtering the poor pests when a horde of them came towards me and my coworkenew we will never be able to control a horde that big. But my coworkers were not as intelligent and tried facing them off and they got turned into ant food" recounts Jessica W. Orm, who barely survived the incident of 24 October 2023 when a horde of 97,000 insects massacred the local pest control. "We are avenging the heinous slaughter of billions of insects worldwide. PEST CONTROL BAD! Oh, and please buy our coffee mugs and hoodies" says Ant M. Urderer, founder of the Pest Control Controllers. "We assemble to bring justice and murder a few innocents for fun, but please ignore that. And we will also provide free peanut butter for the humans living in our territory. Aside from our funkillings, we will not harm anyone as long as they don't kill any insect" he adds. ----------------------------------------------------------- Earthworms are the most nutritious food - Prominent Doctor Earthworms are the most nutritious food, claims Prominent Doctor, 44, who has a degree in Fake News and Communication from UniFake in London. "They contain a lot of tetanus viruses" he states as the reason to his recommendation. ----------------------------------------------------------- New viral game A new viral game has emerged from the deep dark trenches known as Roomblox, called Pointless Game. Roomblox is a platform where kids can make games but with a catch: those games will never get any players. "Let children think they can make the next big game and then botch their plans. We are giving kids the tools to make games.. Then killing their games" says Linda S. Cammer, CEO of Roomblox. Only a few games manage to survive the Great Botching and Pointless Game is one of them. Their developers probably bribed Roomblox but who cares about that. The game is about the player being put into a black box forever. Roomblox is a sca--- YOUR CHILD IS GIFTED! LET THEM DEVELOP AND GET SWINDLED ON ROOMBLOX! PAY $71,937 TO ENROL THEM INTO ROOMBLOX PRODIGIES PROGRAM. YOUR CHILD WILL BE ABUS- TRAINED TO MAKE GAMES AND SUCCEED AS AN ENTREPRENEUR! PRODIGIES SHOULD GET SWINDLED EARLY! SEND THEM TO OUR CEO'S HOME! ----------------------------------------------------------- Roomblox CEO arrested for child abuse Miami, Oct 28: The CEO of popular game and "prodigy" academy, Linda S. Cammer, has been arrested for abusing 44 children between 2015 and 2023. "I am innocent! I only beat them up after convincing their parents" alleges Cammer. The number of "child genius centers" is growing day by day but are almost always torture camps. "It was horrible. I was whipped every day" recounts Dan S. Tupid, a victim and alumni of Genius Kids Abuse Center, which has now been destroyed after an electrical fire broke out inside the walled facility. ----------------------------------------------------------- Submit your ideas or articles to STULTUS AVIS at caketheidiot@sdf.org ----------------------------------------------------------- Screams heard Strange screams were heard in New Orleans (New Spleens) yesterday night. "It was horrifying" says Jason S. Cream who was sitting in his couch when he heard the scream. ----------------------------------------------------------- FangBook: The Social Genocide Platform A game about getting "friends" and stalking them. Connect with.. random people. Start genocides NOW! Talk with that weird uncle of yours. ----------------------------------------------------------- Notification Please turn off your TVs between 1 PM and 4 PM as the Government will broadcast embarrassing videos for no reason. If you turn your TV sets on, you can be arrested under the Embarrassing Videos Act. ----------------------------------------------------------- Octopus goes on hike Kansas, Oct 29: O. C. Topus, an octopus, went on a hike today. Human hikers were surprised at their octopi companion. "Really. I was shocked" says Brian Walk To Deth who saw the spectacle. It used an oxygen tank to stay alive out of the water. [Topus died today. No idea why] ----------------------------------------------------------- authors: Shelob Caketheidiot Submit ideas at caketheidiot@sdf.org