Stultus Avis Somethingpaper 5 November 2023, Issue 12 O I like potato. -|- / \ ----------------------------------------------------------- Excuse Galore 1. I put it into the washing machine 2. It went on a hike and was never seen again 3. It got lost in the postal system 4. It was torn into a thousand strips 5. It decided to burn itself up 6. It turned into a weather balloon and is currently flying over the North Pole. ----------------------------------------------------------- Inflation Watch -3,792% ----------------------------------------------------------- Trend Bulletin 1. Swallow a Bear Challenge 2. Upload photos of your disgusting food 3. Get a life (INSANE DIFFICULTY. PEOPLE WHO TRY THIS TREND MAY SUFFER FROM NOT GETTING ADDICTED TO TINGTONG) ----------------------------------------------------------- Is This Trend Crap? Huh? ----------------------------------------------------------- Motivational Quotes 1. "Failure is virtue" 2. "Patience is a virus" 3. "Make today a pile of steaming hot crap" 4. "edusadxuyweyda" 5. "Mmm" 6. "Enjoy life. For life is life" ----------------------------------------------------------- Catch Phrases These catch phrases* will help you: "Are you a fly because I wanna catch you" "Are you a vomit bag because I wanna puke on you" "Are you stupid?" (GUARANTEED TO WORK) "jlidweiowpqahg" (11% chance of working) *Stultus Avis does not guarantee the effectiveness of catch phrases in this issue unless explicitly stated. We are also not responsible for any damage caused by this article to your relationship. ----------------------------------------------------------- Gas prices $991 per liter. Diesel nil. ----------------------------------------------------------- Mottos "We ate the planet" "827ERROR" "Maligno crepitu" ----------------------------------------------------------- Some Quotes "Where?" - Where "The brain is a weird lump of matter" - someone "Intelligence is a quality best not obtained" - human "Every day starts with sunrise" - O. B. Vious, June 2007 "The sun rises in the East" - K. N. Ewit ----------------------------------------------------------- Walmart-Target War: Target accuses The grocery store chain and cult, Target, has accused the Walmart Rescue Forces of saving lives. In an official press release by the Target Accusations Committee, it named the Walmart Rescue Forces as the number one life saving organization. "We are concerned that the Walmart Rescue Forces have saved hundreds of lives in this war, botching the perfectly good sabotage attempt that happened on 21 October, when we sabotaged Walmart Hypercenter #779" says Jim M. U. R. Derer, chairperson of the committee. "We could have killed over 3000 people but they botched our plans and we only killed 1202" he adds. ----------------------------------------------------------- Walmart-Target War: COAC warns Kansas, Oct 30: The Coalition Of Actual Countries (COAC) has warned the Target and Walmart troops to fight only in a 10 km radius of their stores. Troops who disobey this order are liable to be eliminated by COAC troops. The COAC is a coalition of countries which mediates the Walmart-Target war by sending out humanitarian supplies but does not help bring an end to the war. It also ensures that the war does not spill over into the rest of the world like what happened in 2009 when the Battle of Alabama was fought in.. Alabama and the COAC was formed to flush out the troops. ----------------------------------------------------------- Double your child's calculation speed in 2 days! Buy our MathSkilz Pack for $4,999 Our techniques include filming a video of your child calculating and speeding it up 2x, making kids remember every single calculation possible and linking their brains to the internet, turning them into soulless robots. ----------------------------------------------------------- "A bullet can be stopped by a book. But not a picture book.." - James D. Ead, prominent dead person. ----------------------------------------------------------- SSnipedDog embroiled in scandal.. again SSnipedDog, famed for stealing other people's ideas, has been embroiled in her 736,000th scandal. This time, she has been caught stalking Paul S. T. Alk, an anti child abuse activist. "I really like to continue my scandal streak, which means I must make a new scandal daily" explains SSnipedDog. She is one of the many content stealer Yutubb channels who brand themselves as "reaction Yutubbers". ----------------------------------------------------------- Paper issues of Stultus, BACK! Yes! ----------------------------------------------------------- Earthquake strikes A magnitude 7.7 earthquake has struck 22 kilometers offshore the west central coast of Florida on Wednesday, causing over 336 buildings to collapse and the subsequent cat tsunami killed over 113,000 people. Millions of cats rushed with great force, destroying thousands of sea-side properties and hotels. The catnami reached over 66 km inland and Tampa International Airport has badly damaged. "I heard a loud crashing sound while I was bingewatching TingTong. I then heard screams and the sound of water hitting an object at high speed. I put down my phone and ran outside and I saw a grey wave coming towards me. It was quite far away but it was approaching fast. It seemed to devour anything in it's way, even a whole apartment block was devoured within seconds. In terror, I got into my car and drove off as fast as possible. When it got closer, I saw it's composition: it was not water, it was made entirely of cats. I saw my office getting obliterated and it disappeared behind the wave in just a few seconds. But the thing I dreaded most wasn't the cat tsunami: I would be able to bingewatch TingTong in heaven*. It was the fact that every cell tower in Florida is going to get annihilated that I dreaded the most. Even if I survived the catnami, I would die within hours from the lack of stimulation that TingTong offered. When it died down, I searched for a nearby cell tower. It tooks hours to find one, albeit it was a 3G tower, but it didn't matter: I got the dopamine injection I desired so much" recounts Brian A. D. Dict, who barely survived the catastrophe. "I was working in the Coogle offices when I looked outside the window. I saw a weird grey line on the horizon but I ignored it, thinking it was a new construction project. A few minutes later, I looked out again. The line looked much thicker. I knew it is not a construction project by that point and told my coworkers but they all didn't listen. I decided to ignore it as my boss set a deadline for making a presentation. 10 minutes later, I looked out of the window again and what I saw was horrible: a whole building was consumed by the tsunami. I immediately alerted my boss but he replied "You'll die then. I have a private helicopter". I stood not knowing what to do. My boss then started using the phone. Then he made a phone call. I knew he was trying to hire a helicopter. The wave meanwhile, had grown larger. Me and the other employees sat down together, knowing our impending doom. Finally the tsunami arrived. The neighbouring offices were knocked down one after another. Suddenly, I had the idea of going inside a fridge to atleast soften the blow. I looked out of a glass panel in the fridge and I saw my coworkers were also going into the other fridges. My boss was screaming to us to get out of the fridges. Then he realized that the helicopter probably won't come and the tsunami was only a few seconds from hitting. My memories are fuzzy but I remember hearing a loud MEOW before I blacked out. When I woke up in a barren field, I opened the fridge door and there were hundreds of cats roaming about, probably left over by the tsunami. I managed to walk to the nearest inhabited village and, through the help of the locals, got to an airstrip and I made it to New York" says Andrew S. Walk who survived the wave by hiding in a fridge. "A few days ago I visited Tampa again. Everything was wrecked and I heard that my boss had perished, but I was happy at the news because he used to beat me up. All myds. The earthquake was probably caused by Tailor Swift's fans jumps. Tailor Swift is renowned for making a cult around her music and causing earthquakes, which according to her resume, has caused over 9000 deaths prior to today's quake. "I am honoured to have gained the title of deadliest musician" states Swift in a post on Manipulato, the hottest new "celebrity news & gossip" platform. ----------------------------------------------------------- Tailor Swift arrested The music star and cult leader, Tailor Swift has been arrested for causing the recent Great Florida Earthquake and Catnami, which caused over 113,000 deaths and another 9000 from other quakes. "I am innocent! It is my right to kill hundreds of thousands of people!" alleges Swift. She is the leader of the largest cult of personality ever and convinces her army to commit crimes against humanity, assassinate rival musicians and convert more people into swifties. ----------------------------------------------------------- Enter the code "iamachildabuser" and get 20% OFF on the ULTIMATE CHILD ABUSE KIT ----------------------------------------------------------- Woman flushed down toilet, authorities concerned Amanda F. Lush, 44, was flushed down the toilet on 1 November. The accident happened after her husband accidentally pressed the "flush my wife down the toilet" button. ----------------------------------------------------------- Yutubb changes name to YouPoop The 2nd most addictive parasocial media platform, Yutubb, has changed its name to YouPoop. "Our platform's so bad that we had to change our name" says Susan Worm, CEO of YouPoop. Worm is also known as the "dictator" of YouPoop, censoring anything that goes against her rule. "She rules with an iron fist. Some of my coworkers have tried and got fired" says [REDACTED UPON REQUEST], who is a worker at YouPoop. Our platform's quality degraded so much we were forced to change our name elaborates Worm. ----------------------------------------------------------- Average IQ falls again The average IQ of the human race has fallen to 78, the lowest yet. "We are impressed by humanity's fall" says Mark E. Vill, founder of Humanity Shall Die International, an NGO that encourages societal decay. ----------------------------------------------------------- STULTUS AVIS: QUALITY CHURNALISM Stultus Avis is the best churnalistic media outlet! Churnalism is the great act of pumping out "news" of dubious quality. You, dearest reader, please send us ideas to continue our churnalism. ----------------------------------------------------------- Cups of noodle protest Thousands of cups of ramen protested in the streets of Berlin today, targeting people trying to eat their brethren and freeing them. "It was scary! They marched in a massive rectangle, over 30 meters high. They screamed "All Hail Leader Cuppa". I saw them digest a man who tried to eat ramen" says Ashley R. A. M. En, who encountered the cube. ----------------------------------------------------------- author: caketheidiot Yes it is short, I was busy :D