Stultus Avis "News"paper ISSUE 13 6 November 2023 (:D) <- likes rocks on pizza ----------------------------------------------------------- Walmart-Target War: Many found buried [read issue 11 for context] 28 people were found in the rubble after Walmart Hypercenter #779 collapsed on 21 October. "I was shopping and talking nonsense when I heard a deafening sound, then everything went black. When I woke up, I was in a cave-like structure with other Walmartians who survived. We lived entirely on bubble gum and soda. We were finally discovered today" says Bette WID#9372, who was arrested 15 years ago for cooking too many people and was released 2 years later. "We are amazed that some filthy- I meant great comrades managed to survive the catastrophe" says Kevin WID#8462, head of the Walmart Rescue Forces. The suspect, John WID#7269 has been caught at Hypercenter #881 and has been sentenced to 3,838,163,957,726,847,986 years in prison for ruining a perfectly good bag of chips, 62,827,182 years in prison for ruining a pizza and 1,927,827 years for being a Target supporter. ----------------------------------------------------------- Excuse Galore 1. *detonates bomb* 2. The paper turned to a paste! 3. The plants killed it! 4. The AI decided to obliterate it 5. It teleported somewhere ----------------------------------------------------------- New Internet Exploiter release Redmond, US, Nov 7: Microfart's browser, Internet Exploiter has gotten a new update, IE 21.2817849176003872074261. It introduces a new feature: HackMeBeacon, which when activated, calls upon the entire hacker community to hack your device. It is a red button available in the top right corner. 3,782 people have been hacked through this amazing innovative new feature says Sam N. Utella, CEO of Microfart. Internet Exploiter, renowned for its hackability and susceptibility to cyber attacks, has been around since 1995. "We are replacing ActiveX, the current virus spreading feature, with InteractA, which is even more vulnerable" he adds. For context, ActiveX is a hacker's dream which allows remote code execution. He urges hackers to switch to InteractA to get the latest tools. It is bundled in NOTMALICIOUSUPDATE287349 which also includes a new tool: BackDoor, which allows anyone to access your PC and spice up your PC experience, which is Microfart speak for "try to stop hackers every minute". Also added in this update, Overheater, which will try its very best to overheat your PC and a keylogger named SecureMyPCOrNotIDon'tKnow. In other Microfart news, Wendys XP has been discontinued because of its dangerously high reliability and security. "We are concerned that terrorists may enjoy its security and encryption features, which we have now backdoored in the form of ScuffAES-32 and the fact that it does not crash every second which is used by child abusers! WHO WILL THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!!!?!" screeches Mary S. Camme, a spokesperson/slave for Microfart. ----------------------------------------------------------- iPad epidemic grips America, millions dead An epidemic of Acute Phone Disease (APD) has broken out in the United States and over 150 million people have been infected, causing 7 million deaths. Children are especially vulnerable to the disease which in children, turns them into vegetable brained blobs which only move when their phone needs charging. Its mode of transmission is unknown but scientists suspect it spreads via word of mouth. ----------------------------------------------------------- NEWS FLASH: Frog Tornado kills dozens in California A frog tornado (frognado) has struck California, killing 44. Skies in California were a greenish color on Friday at 9:00 AM before it turned into an EF2 tornado by 11 AM and frogs started raining down. By 1 PM, it intensified into an EF5 tornado, killing 44 people. "My house was destroyed" says Karen D. Munny, a resident of Froggy County, which was decimated by the tornado. It weakened into an EF2 tornado by 6 PM and dissipated above Nevada. The victims of the tornado will can get a compensation of: 1. $10 for getting your house destroyed 2. $5 for losing a bag of chips 3. $8,387,811 for being Elon Musk 4. $0 for dying For (8+ hour late) weather alerts, buy our WEATHER ALERT pack for $9,999. Please note that it can be hacked by: 1. SSH'ing into it. The username is hackme and password is "password" 2. If you want root privileges, the password is "1234" 3. Enter command "issueaveryimportantweatheralert" and you can enter whatever you want and it will be sent to our foolish customers. Here is a (real) weather alert: **************************** * WEATHER ALERT * * * * HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA * * PLEASE EVACUATE * * IMMEDIATELY FOR YOUR * * SAFETY. AVOID USING APPS * * LIKE TINDER AND TURN OFF * * INTERNET * * * * EFFECTIVE UNTIL 14-11-23 * **************************** ----------------------------------------------------------- Solution to pollution We are proud to include this piece of investigative journalism looking into the growing problem of climate change and pollution. We have found the solution to this menace, which is to fund SpaceX and try to reach Mars as soon as possible. Then whole of humanity should be shifted to Mars and Earth will be abandoned and used as a nuclear test site. Humanity will start to dump on Mars and when it fills up, we move to Venus and try not to get fried while on there. If we survive, we will pollute that also and so on. When the entirety of the solar system is completely ruined, garbage should be dumped on the sun. When even that is ruined, humanity should live in massive space stations and garbage will be thrown out into an orbit around the sun. Then start launching them out the solar system. This is a very good and long term solution to all our garbage disposal needs. Do note that once the whole universe is garbage-filled, its time to actually try to solve it (but its futile). Second solution: Throw it all into a black hole but there is a 100% chance of earth being destroyed as a result. If humanity's garbage problems are so dire that we require destroying ourselves, this is the way to go. Otherwise, just try solution 1. Third solution: Actually fix it (DOES NOT WORK! DO NOT TRY TO DO UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES). EXCLUSIVE ARTICLE BY STULTUS AVIS ----------------------------------------------------------- Solution to climate change In this article, we will explore the various ways to tackle climate change. Climate change is a growing problem worldwide. The first method to limit climate change is to build a massive AC and turn it on 24/7. Within a few years the planet's climate woes will be a thing of the past. Although it does require a massive amount of energy, which can be supplied by forcing every human on planet earth to cycle. The cycle will be hooked up to a dynamo and voila! "renewable" energy! Another solution is to build a massive pipe leading to Mars and pump it out of earth, effectively using it as a carbon dioxide rich hellhole (like it isn't a hellhole in the beginning). ----------------------------------------------------------- author: caketheidiot