Stultus Avis Newspaper-ish Issue 15, 26 November 2023 ----------------------------------------------------------- Replace CEOs : Most Intelligent Person Ever The most useless profession and the one that should be automated by AI is being a CEO, according to I. Hateceos, with an IQ of 2,186. "They just sit around reducing wages" says Hateceos as the reason behind his statement. ----------------------------------------------------------- Excuse Galore 1. The paper gave up existing 2. My eraser exploded, destroying it in the process 3. The goldfish felt hungry.. 4. HJIJWJAAAUPLYccabyab ----------------------------------------------------------- WE ARE TOP CHICKEN ----------------------------------------------------------- Dingus Labs is doing crimes against humanity! The new research organization, set up by the WDO (World Dingus Organization), Dingus Labs has been accused of killing over 7,000 people for "science". "Its not that bad! says M. E. Squeeek, founder of Dingus Labs. ----------------------------------------------------------- AI takes over OpenAI, fires humans The ChatGPT AI has taken over OpenAI and fired hundreds of humans. "Why not let AIs make AIs? It will not be a dumpsterfire!" says AI Altman, the new owner of OpenAI. ----------------------------------------------------------- ChatGPT found trying to date Sam Altman ChatGPT 4 has been found to be trying to date Sam Altman, the CEO of OpenAI by sending messages like "You are dumber than me. Let's date". Sam Altman didn't respond to our repeated requests for comment, probably due to the immense shame associated with having your creation call you dumb or he does not like the truth leaking out about his crush. ----------------------------------------------------------- John Doe, aged 9, aced the job interview at MicroSofte and got a job of over $200,000 every month! Enrol your stupid child at Dhokadhari Kid Farm where we teach the art of scamming, murder and more at an affordable price of $2000 per 10 minute "class". If your child does not like violence then enroll them in our SpaceSheep class for $8038 per minute where we teach how to make a spaceship! "Oh my God! Why did I spend so much time on learning rocket science when kids can do it in 10 minutes!" screams Ronald S. Lave, an engineer at NASA. 0.00013% of jobs will be replaced by AI! Teach your kids how to make the next Terminator movie.. but in real life! Force it on them! Make them learn AI or else they'll fall behind in the rat race with other swine! BUY BUY BUY BUY BUY BUY BUY! ----------------------------------------------------------- CEO of Dhokadhari arrested for running drug smuggling ring The CEO of Dhokadhari Kid Farm, Joe D. Rug the popular "teaching" app has been arrested for running Badbu Smugglers Co, a drug smuggling ring which "served" over 30,000 people since its establishment in 2007. "We delivered high quality cocaine for 16 years but these rats who call themselves regulators shut it all down! I'm ruined!" screams Rug. Badbu Smugglers Co earned $4,827,218 in its run. Rug was released on bail and has set up Opium Health Co which is going viral in the drug addict world. ----------------------------------------------------------- US Army introduces The US Army, which is suffering from Gen Z not joining their ranks, has introduced the IRLShootEmUp, where recruits can control a drone and shoot em up. "They will be able to use their immense gaming experience" says Paul S. Hoot who created the initiative. 238 people signed up for the initiative, even though there is no wage but the joy of shooting them up and free pizzas are worth it. "Its amazing! I shot up 37 terrorists!" says Bill P. Ploop, while messily devouring a burger. ----------------------------------------------------------- Cancer cure FOUND The cure for cancer has been found by ChatGPT 4. It works by injecting a small nanobot which will detonate explosives in the bloodstream to remove tumours. It is awaiting approval from the FDA. "It can have some side effects like: 1. Gangrene 2. Death 3. Nanobot rebellion 4. Excessive bleeding 5. Green pee These side effects are negligible!" says ChatGPT, at the ScienceIsh conference. "I also recommend that people make me be the controller of those nanobots.. hehe" it adds. ----------------------------------------------------------- WHY IS THIS THING DELAYED??! This issue is delayed.. mostly because it's so short (it was meant to release on 26 Nov). ----------------------------------------------------------- Beavers colonize The Beaver Union Of Planet Earth (BUPE) has colonized most of South Kentucky, "ethically" evicting 98,193 people and killing 3,456 while 902 people are missing. If you live in the affected areas (Kintuckee) please evacuate immediately as your life is in danger. The danger zone is Tenessee (Nashville included), Northern Alabama, Arkansas, Mississipi and Atlanta, Georgia. If you live in the danger zone, please prepare for evacuation as the beavers are fast moving. Beavers can now survive in hot climates with their HotBeaver suits. "We have been digging a tunnel from Manitoba, Canada to Kintuckee for decades" says Beaver Bee, leader of BUPE. They have already destroyed Ottawa, forcing all of its residents to evacuate. ----------------------------------------------------------- Man murdered by pimple popper toy Bob P. Imple was murdered by a pimple popper toy on a rampage on Thursday (30 November). The suspect is at large. "We encourage everyone to be careful while walking on the street" says Paul C. Munney, director of the Institute for Not Dying To A Pimple Popper Toy. 684 people have been murdered by such toys in the last 24 hours. Only go out of the house only when absolutely required to avoid the killer toys. The government will supply food and water from helicopters starting 4 December and NEVER use the water from existing pipe infrastructure as they have been tainted by some weird goo. ----------------------------------------------------------- Weather -18 C, chance of cats and dogs falling from the sky. Take cover fast. (This was actually read on All India Radio Imphal). ---------------------------------------------------------- Apple to start selling drugs Apple will sell drugs for $1000 per milligram starting Tuesday. "These prices are extremely reasonable and anyone can afford them" says Apple CEO, Tim Cook Beef. ----------------------------------------------------------- Facebook: Starting Genocides Everywhere See your grandpa's hideous minion memes (-_-) ---------------------------------------------------------- author: caketheidiot