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Insecurities.

People shared all kinds of stuff on the BBS
networks of the 1980s. As an homage to that, and speaking to
the deep sense of loss that I never got the chance to share
in that, the true Internet before the dot com bubble and
the death of a free and open Internet in favor of the
advertizer-driven walled garden corporate extranet we have
today, I'm going to share something a little private and
put that out here on gopherspace, and once I buy MetaARPA
from SDF, I'll put it on Usenet and Fidonet and whatever
other BBS networks. It seems fitting. Oddly appropriate.

So, ever since I was little, I had a pretty clear idea of
what I wanted from life. I had it all planned out from a
very young age. I wanted to go to college for Computer
Science with a focus on networking, I was going to meet
a girl in college, get married, have kids, and gradually
build up an ISP. My role model in those days was
Hurricane Electric. Today it's split between HE and
AMS-IX the Amsterdam Internet Exchange. I also have
Eternal-September and Super Dimensional Fortress as role
models now, but the overall concept hasn't changed too much.

Back in the day, ISPs would offer a lot of ancillary
services like Usenet access and the like, a lot of small
hobbyist ones like TigerDen also offer MUDs, archives of
old forgotten stuff you can't get anywhere else, bits and
pieces of forgotten Internet history. Those kinds of side
services are technically not "Internet" especially in the
case of network services that aren't even TCP/IP based,
depending on your definition of "big I Internet" (inetd),
so such a business model would be more a Network Services
Provider, or NSP. Offering VPN access to Yggdrasil, cjdns/
Hyperboria, specialized hosting like IRC bot hosting very
near a major IRC server for channel protection and the
like, is the kind of thing I'd enjoy dedicating myself to.

Building a makerspace/hackerspace with a large vintage
computing museum as a capstone project, as well as ham
radio licensing school and vacuum tube electronics kits and
projects, both to bring tubes back, and also to keep the
craft and knowledge of making and using them alive, and
of course, naturally, making and selling them as another
way to afford a growing family.

I want a huge family, and I don't want to have to sell my
soul to the same people that ruined the Internet to do so.
The Internet was meant to be free, open, a superhighway
of knowledge and information, knowledge is power, and
information is meant to be free. It wants to be free.

So how did we come from how the BBS networks of 1984 were
to the oppressive PRISM surveillance state of today?
Why is the world making poor Edward Snowden cry? Why are
the true heroes like Julian Assange, Edward Snowden and
Ross Ulbrich being hunted down like dogs and persecuted
for doing what is right, while the inhuman monsters in the
halls of power never see any consequences for all the
crimes against humanity they commit every day?

More personally, how is it that I was denied my student aid,
not allowed to finish my Computer Science degree, denied
access to my education, growth, allowed to become like the
people who built the SDF? I should have grown kids in
college, with kids of their own on the way, like my cousin
who is the same exact age as me. She's 35 as of 2023.

She's the same age as me, and she's got five kids, all grown
all with kids of their own on the way. She's got a
successful business, a doula, her retirement is secure, she
has got a big beautiful home, and is fully and completely
secure in it. She's not hurting for anything, her
success at life is whole and complete, SHE is whole and
complete.

I don't blame her at all for treating me like she did. All
the books say that successful people should stick together
and avoid unsuccessful people. Apparently I have cooties.

For all I know, maybe I do! I really don't know how it all
went so wrong. The cosmic order of the universe just
decided, in its infinite wisdom, that I was destined to
suffer through a life of largely unearned hostility,
persecution, isolation and abandonment. Now I'm not saying
I'm perfect, I'm a deeply flawed person. I know that about
myself, I have never claimed I was perfect, not at any
point in my life have I assumed or presented myself like
I was incapable of making mistakes.

But they're normal mistakes, the kind anybody makes.
Nobody is perfect. I never did anything so unforgivable
that I deserved the kind of hate, persecution and ejection
from communities I called home that I have gotten.

The only explaination that even makes a little sense is
that this is political persecution, some enemy nation is
attacking.

"The Internet was good and free and the people rejoiced,
but then the Fire Nation attacked."

I also took an arrow to the knee. It hurts. But I think
you can see why I'm concerned about whether the universe
will even allow me to amount to anything. Everytime I
struggle to overcome everything thrown at me, just when
I'm about to turn things around, something or someone
decides to kick me right back into the dirt. They wait
just long enough to allow hope to kindle in my heart,
completely involuntarily mind you, I should know better
by now, but imperfect being, remember? I literally can't
help it, and then I'm kicked right back into the mud.

Over and over and over, as the years go by and my body
gets older and weaker and grayer and more wrinkly and
broken and I start forgetting things, I forget what I'm
even doing. I'm only 35, damnit. I shouldn't be feeling
this old and broken. I'm only 35, and I don't smoke, I
dont drink, I don't do drugs, nothing that should age me
faster than my years would suggest, so why?

Why does everything hurt?

I was raised Mormon, but I'm not a Christian. If I was
a Christian, I would think I'm being given the Job
treatment. According to the Book of Job, once I overcome
the challenges presented to me, I'm rewarded by being
blessed with twice what was taken from me.

I have no reason to think the universe is going to make
anything easy for me, but that overall is what I'm using
to keep myself putting one foot in front of the other.
Sure, my progress in life has been delayed, mostly for
no fault of my own. Sure, mistakes were made, but normal
everyday mistakes everyone makes. Normal mistakes.

I'm not going to accept the kind of criticism banks level
at mothers of children, "Oh, you missed a mortgage
payment, you're a failure as a human being!" while at
the same exact time begging the government to bail them out
of whatever market crash they caused from their "mistakes"
yeah I'm not going to accept that "butter wont melt in
my mouth" shenanigans. I made normal mistakes, I'm an
imperfect being, but I'm not a monster. I'm not the elites
ruining the country, ruining the Internet, scamming the
people for every last thing that wasn't bolted down.

Alright? I don't deserve the hate. You want something to
hate, all you gotta do is look up. The people at the top
are the only ones with the money, power and connections to
DO anything wrong. I have been urinated upon, kicked around
and abandoned for just about all of my 35 years of life.

Direct your hate elsewhere.

But you can see why I'd have worries, insecurities. What if
I'm wrong? What if I'm just too dumb, too broken, too brain
damaged to understand some thing I did in the past was wrong
enough to justify all of this persecution. Evil people never
question themselves at all, they have no self-awareness,
never bother reflecting on a single thing they ever do.

I have no such luxury.

But I'm trying to stay positive, stay upbeat. Things will
get better. Eventually. I won't be homeless and facing a
case literally everyone knows is bullshit, the DA knows it's
BS, the judge knows it's BS, the police department knows
it was pulled out of my ex-girlfriend's dirty behind, okay
it's not a mystery to anyone. And yet, they haven't dropped
the case. They're moving forward with it.

Purely political persecution. That's what this is. Everyone
knows it's bullshit, but they don't care. Cause it's not
about truth and justice, it's not about law and order, it's
about money, power and control. It's about silencing the
one they stole the future and birthright from.

I should have a doctorate from MIT by now. I could have done
amazing things, build amazing things, contributed amazing
things to humanity, progressed computing and the Internet
in a meaningful way. But all of that was stripped from me,
stolen from me.

All because a small group of people don't want to admit
they were wrong, and keep doubling down on their cultlike
insanity. How does it go?

Stupidity is never learning from your mistakes.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and
expecting a different result.

No matter how many times you try, it's not going to turn out
any differently, okay? Why do I have to suffer because you
won't admit you screwed up? I admit my flaws and
insecurities. How about you take a good long look in the
mirror, and tell me what you see? Is all of this really
worth it?

I know what I am worth, because I worked hard for many years
to refine myself, to grow as a person, purified like a
diamond under the pressure and heat of all this hate and
persecution. The more you monsters try to hurt me, the
stronger and more beautiful I become.

Before, I was but the learner, but now I am the master.
The circle is complete.

I will probably never fully rid myself of my insecurities
and self-criticism, always digging into my own psyche deep
hunting for flaws I can improve and grow. I think the corp-
speak was "opportunities for growth"? Well, it's probably
empty gas from them, but I choose to take it at face value
and actually look at areas I can improve in myself, and
become stronger, faster, better, longer.

By the time I return with my army of precious little
treasures, I won't be recognizable. And I'll have the
added acolades of having accomplished all of that under
heavy persecution, against all odds.

It's all about how you choose to think about it. I could do
the common thing and go "oh woe is me, my life is shit, and
nothing could make it better"

but you know what? I'm not common. I'm exceptional, in a lot
of ways. I'm not going to let the hate of a bunch of
brainwashed TikTok and YouTube users break me. I'm not going
to let the average Facebook and Twitter user define me.

I will break the unbreakable, touch the untouchable.
I will do the impossible, see the invisible.

I will surpass and overcome. They thought they were being
cute, calling me a diamond in the rough. But I'll show them.

I'll beat this, and I'll build something even more amazing
and beautiful, unique, something that will stand the test
of time for many, many generations forward.
My children's children's children's children will pull out
genealogy books and proudly explaim to their friends
"Alex John Maurin is MY ancestor!"

Thanks for reading.