I only have a few minutes, so it will be a short entry today. Had more conference dreams that also involved 
Doctor Who trying to save his wife and all of his kids. I think I may have been trying to buy pampers for the 
baby I haven't even started trying to concieve yet and wondered if it was too early. I think that's related to 
my thoughts about trying to go ahead and get the room ready for a baby even though there really isn't a baby 
yet. 

There are a lot of things I want to do, but I'm having trouble staying focused. I need to get better at a lot of 
different things. I need to understand the difference between doing things because they're the right thing to do 
and doing things because they are the expected thing to do. The truth is, I often feel guilty for my rather 
irresponsible behavior at times. I feel like I need these outlets, but I worry that I'm modeling the wrong 
things for my daughter. Not that my irresponsible behavior is ever really more than drinking and hanging out 
with friends and laughing. There's nothing really risky in anything I'm doing at all. I don't know why I feel so 
guilty all of the time.

There are a lot of things that make sense to me, and then a lot of things that really don't. My brain just feels 
really muddled right now, like I'm still trying to make sense out of the entire universe, like I don't know 
where one place begins and another ends. I feel like a year ago I had a much better handle on things than I do 
now. Lately, it's almost like I'm sleepwalking through my life. There are so many tasks and things to do that 
it's hard for me to take a step back and remember what's really important.

I feel also like I'm about to hit a place in my life where I've grown another maturity point. Not that I'm 
growing up or that I don't want to continue to do the ridiculous things that are fun, but that there's a sort of 
importance, or a way I need to carry myself. I'm about to have another baby, right? I've got to get my act 
together and stop running around like a teenager who just got her first taste of true freedom. I have to start 
paying attention to things like budgets. I have to start keeping my own brain together and stop floating off to 
this place and that place. I've got to commit to the things I believe are priority and stop letting myself get 
distracted by my friends or my husband to be torn away from those priorities. There's so much to learn.

I guess that's what I have to look forward to for the next few months -- spring cleaning of the soul. I hate it 
whenever I do this, but I also know it's much-needed. Blargh.