"It's lizo" he said, holding this thin cut of 
paper resembling a long hair. When you get a
sheet of acid, you take an exacto knife and
cut a very small sample along the side. It 
doesn't show and you can sample the effect 
of the acid before you buy. A cup of coffe
on an empty stomach and in about 15 minutes 
you know if the acid is... well at least working. 

It was new year, around the lates 90's. My friend
just came back from our pusher, and had that
lizo thing for me. I am not sure why just 
for me, but I took it anyway. We were partying
with some friend for the New year, a loft
party on St-Laurent, in Montreal. 

We were the hippies in a preppy party, and
I was the only one on acid. I realized early
on that this wasn't my crowd. I decided to
leave for a bit and get some fresh air while
the acid did it's magic. As soon as I got 
out of the party, I though to myself, I 
might not be able to remember which door 
I came out trough. I turned around to look, 
I couldn't tell. 

I walked wihtout a goal. I saw the face 
of Buddha in a glass wall. It seemed like
the face made of glass was melting. I 
crossed the street to see. I put my hand
below the melting glass, I was not
hallucinating, the glass was really melting. 

Happy to have realized that I wasn't that
high, and that I had a proof that I wasn't 
too high, I continued my walk to nowhere. 

I should take the time to write the whole
trip down, as it was quite funny in the
end. But the one thing I remembered, something
that made so much sense back then was how
you look at life. If I looked up, with my chin
higher than my jaw, I had a wonderful trip, 
if my chin pointed to the ground, I started 
to have a bad trip. 

These day I am experimenting a similar 
sensation. I move between feeling okay or 
feeling like I'm dying. I can go in a complete 
bad trip really easily or I can stay clear 
and happy. 

I don't have much 'bad' experience in my life... 

I mean I had my share of bad experience, true, 
but nothing lasting. I went trough a bankruptcy, 
got hospitalized a few times, as a teen I was
a registered young offender (I was 17 at the time
so that didn't last much.) Spend a few nights
in juvi.  I got rolled over by a bus, fell in a 
river when solo hiking in a canyon. Lost a friend
to an overdose. Lost a few more friend to sucide...

Allright, shit happens in my life, so it seems. 

Shitty stuff just happened now, and one more 
time, my mind can go in any direction. Up or
down, I got to choose. The problem is that when
I go down, panic attack and depression is just 
next door. The bad trip without any drugs. So 
I have to keep it up. Is that part of what I have 
to learn? Always choose to keep my chin up, my
pride and my self love / self care?

I always have the choice to spiral up or down. 
Lately my life was peaceful but flat too, I didn't
have to think about going up or down. Now that
there is more tension, I have to make that decision. 

The acid trip was quite memorable. I was lost in the
city. I almost threw myself in a window, thinking 
that this was the best possible outcome of the night. 

I decided otherwise and kept on walking. 

All the doors, I didn't know where they led. I started
to try to open any doors. I entered some homes, 
I saw some light, heard some voice. I ran away. 

I found myself ringning a doorbell. Someone
answered, I asked, "What day are we" she said
"It's new year!" 

I was confused, she seemed amused, I appologized
and ran away. I went down the stairs of the subway. 
Sat at the bottom in front of the gate. A old couple
tried to enter this new automatic door, an alarm
rang, I ran. They thought I've done something. 

I got into a cab. I didn't know why, he started
writing my destination, was I telling him this?

He stoped at a light and I felr it was the best
time to run away. He yelled, something about the cops. 

I ran and kept on running. 

I saw some stairs. I knew these stairs. I went up, 
I rang the bell. My friend Ariane came to the 
door. I appologize and told her she is saving my 
life, if I could crash at her place. She laughed and
let me in. I layed down in the room next to her bedroom. 

Closing my eyes, I fully hallucinated a whole cartoon
world. I told Ariane that if she want to have sex it
would be probably really wicked right now!

She laughed again and told me to shut up and sleep. 

Moral of the story... I don't know yet, but I have 
to keep my mind on the positive. As I am getting older
I don't have as much stamina to sustain a bad trip
or a panic attack, so there is really no other choice
than to keep smilling and not taking things too 
seriously.