# 12 The Fear of the white page

I have been quite prolific for this new start, here. There was a time when I made 1 post per day because I was on 3 sites...including a cultural webzine. But now I have time to do what I want, when I want, ...where I want. Despite all that, I sometimes feel empty of any idea, any envy....but I think of so many subjects I could have written about it, before. The best remedy is to start with a blank page and talk about it.… It's often just for me, like an exercise. But sometimes I think it might be interesting. 

I start to write about this feeling, the ideas that come to my mind, that travel in my head with all these dark corners or misty places hidden in it. Minutes after minutes, words are coming on this white page (way of speaking : I'm writing on a dark background with white characters...). Sentences become paragraphs and word after word I'm throwing a bit of me onto this lines. It's not a fear like the writer trying to build his novel, because his editor is waiting outside, to make money with it. It's just a feeling that something is no longer there. It's like a missing thing. It's been more than 20 years since I've really written, whether for myself or in blogs, or webzines, or websites. I think writing has become a part of me. But it has to be a fun thing, not a torture, a slavery, or mandatory. 

I remember when I used to write tutorials. In the beginning, it was an exercise for me to remember what I had found and also to see if I could teach that to someone, if I could be understood. And it was only when I had a need....Now with the years, I don't have many needs, so there are fewer tutorials. Writing is often linked to a personal challenge, like when I first wrote a short novel, or poetry. That was after attending a writing workshop, where I had a lot of fun. With my French blog, the challenge was missing. I remember a head of department telling me that I was a challenge person (and a cost killer...but not for the wrong side). Perhaps it's a personal challenge to write in English because I feel I'm losing my level in English after a year of doing exercises to pass the TOEIC exam as high as I could go.

It's the 16th post here, roughly. The challenge is no longer in my mind and blogging is more like a daily or weekly exercise for myself. You don't see all the mess it can be between drafts and posts. I write, delete, rewrite...For example, I wrote a post about an old movie but deleted it last week. It was not interesting, too often reviewed by other people, often better than me at this exercise. I'll continue to review films : new ones here and many others on the French blog for the next 5 years... Just because I find it interesting to review movies that I liked in my teenage years and I can see now with adult eyes, with a different cultural level, with experience. And I also have a few classics to see, even if I love classic hollywood and French films (or English, Italian, Japanese or Indian...). It's also something new to talk about small french movies here, some movies you have a very small chance of seeing in your cinema or on streaming services. It's a good exercise because I have a lot to explain, a lo
t to contextualise. 

Oh...the white page is very much filled with words now. No more fear, no more anxiety, no more feeling of emptiness. Should I keep it for me or not ? That's now the last question. If you are reading this, you know the answer, now !

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