[    2024.06.07 ]
[ the name game ]

i have several things going on. and i cannot, for the life of me, figure
most of them out.

i came out as trans 4 months ago. and so the past 4 months have been fraught
with emotion, from elation to depression, and from confidence to insecurity. 
my wife partner (i prefer the term partner, but wife is legally accurate) 
has been supportive but anxious about this. right off the bat, she became 
paranoid about a number of things: that i would leave her, and that i would 
be attacked either online or irl for being trans (i am definitely not passing 
in any way at the moment) being primary among them. but since getting over
that initial anxious hump, she has been... quiet about my transition. mostly.

she was mad that i signed up for laser hair removal without consulting her 
about the cost. that was a thing that i did *immediately* because body hair
is a big dysphoria driver for me. she may still be a little pissed about it, 
but i still do not regret that choice. well worth the cost, imho. but as a 
result, i have done nothing else physically regarding my gender identity.
because basically anything i would or want to do costs money. new clothes, 
piercings, hair styling, makeup, and so on. none of these things are 
particularly inexpensive. not to mention that i would love some new ink to 
celebrate finally coming to understand who i am. only took me 40 years. :-P

and so now, i find myself in a depression. i have lived with depression for 
about 30 years, and i have lived with a depression diagnosis for over 20. 
i am medicated, though i question the efficacy of my medication. i have a
therapist i have been seeing for 6 years, and she has been immensely patient 
with her patient. 

i am also a type-1 diabetic (t1d) and have been for 40 years, diagnosed in
1984. probably this exacerbates the depression. diabetes can cause small
blood vessel damage, and the human brain has quite a few of those. i am also
also an alcoholic living in recovery. alcohol *definitely* exacerbates 
depression. but i'll be 6 years sober in under 2 months, provided i don't 
fuck it up before then. 

ok. allow me to tie that all together neatly:
a depressed alcoholic diabetic genderqueer living with an anxious autistic 
partner who has adhd.

so... what? 
well....

i don't know what you can expect to find in this phlog. i am basically using
the phlog as a journal, because my therapist wants me to journal. maybe you 
can expect to find some intensely personal information here. about mental 
health, about sex, about eating disorders. just a few topics that come to 
mind.

at the moment, i am working through a bit of malaise. nothing interests me 
much these days. my sleep schedule is absolutely fucked, and who even knows 
why? could be stress. probably involves stress, anyway. i have done fuckall
with regard to my transness(?), though i want to. i am afraid to, for not
wanting to, say, have to explain everything to my partner. when i first came
out, she was incredulous that i didn't know if i was fully transfemme, or 
enby, or what. and it's not like i've done this before. i didn't feel
"attacked," exactly, but i had only just come to the realization that i was
trans, and had only just decided not to wait but to come out to her.

i guess i *did* feel attacked in the moment. but even in the moment, i was
aware that it was not an attack. that it was anxiety speaking. and, y'know,
sometimes in a moment fear speaks louder than love. 

anyway, you don't need to know this. why are you here?

unrelated to all of the above, today i requested a username change from SDF.
my mastodon handle has already changed from skaficianado@mastodon.sdf.org
to peachfiend@mastodon.sdf.org. soon my arpa account will also be peachfiend.
i'm not changing my real name irl, but peachfiend is a bit more ... well, not
representative of me, but it does hearken back to a handle i used in college.
and it was in those years that i first considered my gender identity. it 
feels right.