I just went to the charming, 4th-biggest-city-in-NZ, outdoor, night- time orchestral performance orchestrated by the Hamilton Garden Arts Festival. Their internet presence is not worth entertaining, so no link. It was the Rusty Player Orchestra conducted by Rupert D'Cruze. The schedule reads like other flamboyant or slightly weird orchestr al music (and unrelated) hung on the premise of some Tchaikovsky wit h the intriguing 1812 overture billed to end in fireworks. I give the orchestra and conductor As (of ambiguous signum) for thei r performance. Sadly, that's not a good description of the otherwise charmingly just-barely-rural event. The content, The Magnificent Seven - E.Bernstein Chariots of Fire - Vangelis Light Cavalry Overture - Suppe This is Me - theme from The Greatest Showman The Big Country - J.Moss Waltz of the Flowers - Tchaikovsky Can Can (Orpheus) - Offenbach Finlandia - Sibelius Ritual Fire Dance - de Falla Superman Returns - Williams/Ottman Jupiter (Planets Suite) - Holst Hallelujah - Cohen arr Justus Rozemond 1812 Overture finale - Tchaikovsky had me grapple with the clear reality that movie themes, which get g aspingly called our time's contribution to great music are cheap and tawdry when put next to even a controversial legendary romantic com posor. Here I must house an unfortunate interjection. The first MC of the n ight seemed promising and kiwi-as, reminding us of the names of the sponsors and to use the recycling bins before abrogating himself in leiu of a second MC whose time seemed mercifully short until the kin dergarten teacher MC took the stage. The orchestra's stage was nicel y placed for the whole audience at the lower part of the gently slop ing Rhododendron lawn in Hamilton City Gardens. Their stage was fain tly set with slightly pink stars above the musicians, who were handi ly lit. To the right, a massive white-barked tree was given a color gradient: It worked surprisingly well. Unfortunately, to the left a temporary projector screen had been set up, which robotically flippe d between close-ups of different musicians, showing that they were i n fact very shabbily dressed - intending to be heard, rather than se en that night. The screen naturally segued into garish yellow-light- studded carnival food stands. "Do you like movies?" shrilled the kindergarten teacher. The Magnificent Seven theme When cut as a trophy from the movie scene of the time and mounted as a starting piece here, I was reminded how much the words cliche, ch eap and epic have in common. It certainly sounded like a show openin g with the theme from The Magnificent Seven. Chariots of Fire theme An orchestra playing a recognisable theme like an uncommonly skilled friend humming a few bars to remind you how that movie's theme goes . "This song is about horses" The orchestra roared into its own, thrilling the audience with their outstanding rendition of Suppe's Light Cavalry Overture. Children s topped trying to sneakily play tag behind their exhausted parents an d everyone embraced and were embraced by the music. It was clear tha t this was why D'Cruze is a conductor and why his orchestra came the re to be conducted. This is me Here, the show sort of halts and a childish I'm-ugly-but-I-try-my-be st (however the kindergarten teacher pitched it) self esteem singalo ng takes the stage. Once the bafflement faded into quiet revulsion, I did find some pleasure in insipid lyrics "I have to believe in mys elf // it's the only way" being punctuated by the singer theatricall y holding the microphone away from herself towards the deafening com plete silence of audience participation. How did this get into the s chedule? The Big Country theme I enjoyed it, but I would have enjoyed chewing glass after the prior piece. "I hope everyone is going to JUMP UP AND DANCE, these are dance song s!" Waltz of the Flowers Soulful, the instruments perfect and perfectly in concert under D'Cr uze. Can Can A disabled child and his carer in front of me stood up and kicked th eir legs enthusiastically, then yelled encore at the end. Finlandia The performance was heavy handed, but it's a heavy piece. Ritual Fire Dance The kindergarten teacher fantasized about pushing a man into a fire on stage, but the ensuing orchestral performance was quite nice. Superman Returns Theme An orchestra reminds you of the theme to Superman Returns. Jupiter Well done by the orchestra, good control of pace and volume, I had t he feeling that this had been paired with the Tchaikovsky in plannin g. Back in real life children were starting to get tired. Hallelujah singalong "This is a song about a green ogre and a donkey that helps him" Both the orchestra and singer sounded weak, possibly broken by the l ast singalong effort. The orchestra slightly more timid. I have trou ble relating anything but the botched words, and the modification to the musical form of the chorus that sounded like it had never been practiced before by either the singer or orchestra. She'll cut your throat and she'll cut your hair. The donkey is the ogre's barber, wh o also gives a cut-throat shave? Or the donkey is the murderer from Sweeney Todd? The singer had the grace to falter as she whigged lyri cs. I forget if the lyrics were right or wrong on the singalong proj ector screen. There were other lyric mistakes but at this point it w as hard to follow. I was holding strong for the 1812 overture with f ireworks. A fireworks show Concomittantly with the first note from the orchestra, a fireworks s how blasts into life behind some trees, but gradually more above the lake both opposite the orchestra. The music is forgotten, but may s till have been happening. The non-stop fireworks had been chosen in bright colors. Some time into the show, though I believe not coheren tly with the canon salvo of the 1812 overture, roaring extra-loud bl asts also begin being set off, whose concussive force made me questi on their suitability for a nature reserve used in the conservation o f birds and bats. I imagine the original pitch was that the orchestr a would just have to play much louder than the baseline of a firewor ks show, and the massive concussive blasts would then be the actual cannon salvo. I imagine that there will be some angry recriminations and rightful refusal of this orchestra to work with the show coordi nators again. The show was a good metaphor for the parking lot and larger, car-occ upied neighbouring field. There were no traffic directors or any att empt at it, as everyone attempted (and generally succeeded) to cut e ach other off in desperation to get away from the event. Cars are pr obably still fighting each other to get out of that field or at leas t die trying while I write this. NZ has coronavirus again, presumabl y as a punishment for the downsides of this performance.