Muggsy
------

I haven't phlogged in a while but I just felt I really needed to now. I had
been meaning to but I just haven't had the energy to do it recently.

Our beloved family cat Muggsy died last Thursday. We have decided to have the
doctor put him to sleep because he was in great pain and suffering that day. It
happened so fast. Just the day before he was walking around, playing with
everyone. My Mom even visited him that day. He was perfectly normal. Just doing
his own 'Muggsy thing'. My brother saw him going into his room Thursday morning
before he left for work and he told me everything just looked normal.

I got home that day and was going to clean his litter and change his food (and
clean up his mess -- he was a messy cat haha) when I noticed he was just lying
down under a chair and breathing so fast. He would usually get up to either
greet me or run away from me depending on his mood (he was also a very moody
cat) but he would not get up. I knew something was wrong.

We then rushed him to the vet emergency hospital nearby... he was meowing the
whole time... it was a different meow. It was a painful meow. Very short ones
and not his usual long meows. He was panting. Saliva dripping from his mouth
and he could not stay put in his cage as we drove to the hospital.

The vet at the hospital examined him then we were called in to this private
room. The doctor told us Muggsy had liquid all over his chest -- inside and
outside of his lungs. Heart disease. He told us that his chances of survival
was very slim. He could have a cardiac arrest anytime that night. He told us
that even with medication, there was still very slim chance of him surviving.
He asked us to make a decision. It was obvious there was only one option but I
guess the doctor was required by law to ask.

I cried so much. My brother was crying too.

I called my Mom at work and I told her the news. I could not reach my dad at
work. Muggsy's favourite member of the family was my Dad. I knew my dad would
be devastated if he found out about Muggsy's demise.

I asked the doctor how long Muggsy would last. He said not so long. I told him
I would ask my Mom and my other brother to come to the hospital and so we could
all say our final farewell to Muggsy before he was to be put to sleep.

About 2 hours have passed my Mom and my other brother (3 of my brothers were
there) came. We immediately were sent to a private room. A few minutes after
they brought Muggsy in a very weak state into the room, covered with a blue
blanket. We all cried. I cried my hearts out. Mom was crying and 2 of my
brothers were crying. We said our good-bye to our dear Muggsy. 

Muggsy got excited when saw all of us. He wanted to get up and walk even in his
weak state but he ended up panting and then vomitting the liquid that was
inside his lungs. We called (more like yelled at) the hospital staff to come
and take Muggsy. His arms were already stiff and his eyes were already showing
signs of near death. He was almost hardly breathing. The doctor came and I gave
him Muggsy. I then gave Muggsy my final kiss. 

We then all left the hospital crying.

We gave Muggsy a private cremation. We will be receiving his ashes in a wooden
box with his name and the fun years of his life (2007-2017) engraved on it
soon.

I am so sad... maybe it would be more accurate to say that I am depressed. This
loss is not helping the treatment I have been getting for my depression. To
this day, I continue crying everytime I remember the pain Muggsy has suffered.
I cry everytime I see objects that make me remember him.  A lot of
self-blame... self-hate... I wish I was with him on his side while he
was suffering. He suffered alone which made my heart ache so much. He could not
even see his favourite member of the family when he was dying -- my Dad, and
this made me so sad. We all miss him so much. He was such a very nice cat. A
very unique one. Almost human. Irreplaceable.

I have been asking why God took him away from us.

I have been having problems sleeping and eating since his death. I look like
shit with my baggy eyes. My boss noticed it on Friday and I cried when I opened
up to her. I am kind of embarrassed to admit that I have been grieving for a
pet because I know there are people who do not understand the bond that
develops between human and pets. Our bond with Muggsy is similar to that of an
immediate family member. No one will understand this I thought. I was not going
to work the next day but my co-worker was off that day and so I would not be
able to take that day off anyway, or if I did, my boss would be alone working.
I didn't think I could do that to her. We are a 3-member team in our company.

I took a day off today because I could not sleep last night... and I am too
emotionally exhausted to do anything.

I called my family doctor and asked him to squeeze me in for an appointment
this afternoon. I need to deal with my anxiety and this emotional state. I
think I really have to start taking in some medication again to calm myself
down.