2019-12-02
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Who am I?

	For a long time I have considered myself mostly an artist
	but of a particular kind. While I am not super comfortable
	with code, I am quite good with systems. This includes
	"human" systems like group dynamics. I think my point of
	view, or mode of understanding of systems is mostly visual
	and to some extent emotional. This means that I see 
	gradients of possibility and their overlap, interactions
	and so on. It's like when you walk into a room and know to
	stay out of certain groups of people.

	Now, this system approach probably sounds very gasseous
	to the sort of person who is very good with textual
	systems. But I have found myself in a very awkward
	position trying to work with my approach in the world
	of the more regular people.

	People who don't understand my point of view can 
	appreciate the results, and they can even see the logic
	after the changes have been made, but still, it seems to
	me that they have a very hard time trusting that I am
	on to something when I present my ideas.


The Two Poles

	As a result of my particular way of seeing, I have
	gravitated back and forth between two attractors:
	The science stuff and the art stuff. I can even see
	that there are seasons when I am more focused on one
	or the other.

	It seems to me their influences are not equal, though.
	When I am in the science mode, I am more prone to limiting
	myself onto dead alleys. And to get out, I will need to
	pull apart the walls with art.

	There is also a feeling that I have to protect the
	art, as if it will be spoiled by contact with the outside
	world. As an example of this thinking: I went to a
	school to become a graphic designer, but decided to
	become a video editor instead to "protect" my hobby of
	drawing and painting. It's like the fact of making it
	a job would have spoiled it. Of course video editing is
	an art as well, but I think it is a lot more humble role
	than a graphic designer's or an illustrator's.


The Sphere of Knowledge

	The gasseous systems approach to editing is that I have
	learned basically all the other arts around the art of
	editing. I am an illustrator, animator, screenwriter,
	director and so on. Of course I can't learn all of these
	to a similar degree as I have learned editing, but they
	contribute to a holistic understanding of a field.

	At the moment I am in a state where I don't see how I
	could learn enough. Here's some of my recent studies:

	1) 	I have learned Blender and Unity to
		create simple augmented reality games.

	2) 	I have been toying around in different
		CMS's and trying to find the right one
		for my particular needs. Wordpress is
		too commercial, Pico might be too bare,
		have to try Grav.

	3)	I have changed my workflow to suit my
		habit of reinstalling linux all the time.
		This means, I learned to make little
		scripts for dmenu so that I can have
		a folder of scripts that are the basis
		of the functions I need in an operating
		system. This means that the OS itself is
		less important and changing OS doesn't
		cripple my productivity.

	4)	I have hopes of learning enough about
		indexing to get into some advanced 
		features of Recoll or Docfetcher or
		whatever is behind these things.
		The reason for this is, I want to build
		an offline library that can be searched
		and cross referenced in interesting ways.

	5)	I have an ongoing mission of trying to
		get rid of the rotten services that
		invade my privacy. At the moment the
		biggest step for me would be to figure
		out the best way to use Nextcloud.
		I suppose I would like to put it on 
		a Pi and get a stable IP for it.

	6)	I am trying to learn the context of
		the development around the Pinephone.
		Although, I am not going to be soldering
		and 3D-printing any time soon. I am 
		looking to use this as a phone and
		figuring out how to connect it to
		other devices, find out what kind
		of synergies are there.

	The problem with all this is, I don't have time. I have
	to work too. There are responsibilities. There is a saying
	that when the Sphere of Knowledge increases, the surface
	area of the Unknown grows exponentially. I am sure I 
	butchered that one.


And the rest?

	What I am after the arts and the science, I don't know.
	These are my interests, but I don't know if I would call
	them my identity. I suppose knowing how to solve
	particular problems makes me proud in a way. The skills
	might be part of my identity as an entrance fee to
	society. I am not sure if I am getting enough back from
	society for what I am giving, though. Also, it seems to 
	be a struggle just to make them see that what I have
	to trade is in fact valuable.

	Apparently these days a lot of the societal exchange
	is concerned more with ideas rather than skills. In that
	arena I find myself kind of paralyzed. I really don't know
	what to think of most of the things people find
	noteworthy. The best I can do is to look away, really,
	because I am quite provocative if I start engaging, and
	I have a feeling that everything I have ever said will
	someday be used against me in a dishonest hearing. It is
	like everyone is being held a hostage by whoever owns
	the data.

	I assume I will be voicing my opinions here more than
	I have anywhere during the past ten years or so. I really
	just have not had a place that seems _worthy_ of the
	effort.

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