2020-10-29
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It's been a year since I found this place. I have been pondering
about that for some weeks maybe. I wasn't in the best mindspace 
a year ago. I was burnt out and basically having anxiety attacks
in social situations, or in situations with too many moving parts.
Bright lights, noise, things left to speculation.

During the year I have used the gopherspace as a sort of a
crutch. It has reminded me of the days when my perception of what
it meant to be online was so different than what it has turned   
into. It's like hiding inside a second hand store. Something
familiar, yet different.

And also, just like in those more innocent days, it lets me play 
with my grandiose delusions and speak with a disembodied voice of
uncertaing dimensions. To myself that part of the phlog is the
functioning one. There is a part of me that works best without
an identity attached to it.

The other times I fail, and write on my projects, most of which
I write about in more optimistic terms than they turn out.
Really, most of them I just forget to finish, or get bored with
them, or something else comes up and they are deprioritized
forever. Then it bugs me that I have written about them and now
would rather forget that I didn't finish them.

Often I have a creeping feeling of deja vu, like I have already
written what I am writing now. Maybe I have written it in the
past internet. I really hope I am not just repeating myself.

While I have been here, among the antiques, I have pretty much  
stopped using the regular internet. Sometimes you need a recipe,
sometimes you need a map. A book, a movie, a podcast. It's fine
for that. Go in, get what you need, get out.

It has been a strange year.

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