2021-02-23
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I've been feeling slightly more at ease than anxious lately.
It's sort of like having storage space released in my mind.
I don't feel like I need to have as many lists and notes about
random unfinished work and such.

I don't know if this should be interpreted as a time to get into
new plans or a time to rest and get used to feeling at ease. I
have been more mindful of how much I will take on as to not get
overwhelmed. But there is the other side of the issue, that if 
I keep in a state of not challenging myself, I will freeze in
place.

I suppose that is what most people do when they get closer to the
assumed midpoint of their journey. They just think that they got 
as far as they could and better stop while you are winning.
Although I am not so sure I am winning. Does anyone win anymore?

I do have some ideas that I could roll out and start a project.
The problem is, how to do it in a way that I am committed enough
to it but not "locked in". I've had big projects in the past
when I took on too much. What ended up happening was that I felt
as if I had given my word and had to finish the project no matter
what. In the end, after several frustrating months, I didn't
finish it, and came to see it was way too big for one person.

Not having a goal is not optimal either. It can feel stultifying,
like you are stuck in the same circle all over again. Having too
little power over the results of the routine grind.

The middle way is hard. How to push yourself forward while not
becoming attached to the process somehow?

In some areas I have achieved a nice balance. I have become 
basically an automatic learner. I find the sugar rush of
mainstream so sickly that my media intake has become mostly
educational in one way or another. And yeah, I do learn and
progress in that way but I feel like there is more potential in
me, and that I only have ten or twenty years to make something
happen before it too late.

And what is that? What is supposed to happen? Where does that
urge come from? Why can't I just be?

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