2021-11-23
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The time feels ominous. Ever since I was afflicted by a mental
health crisis of sorts, I have not felt very secure in my balance.
Or maybe at times I am in balance, but those times are forgotten
when I feel out of balance. It's all subjective, and that is the
problem. I don't trust that my current subjective state is as
reflective of reality as it might be in other times. Or worse,
it could be more reflective of reality now, but at normal times
muddled and distracted.

Normalcy seems so sterile as well. It's like these walking dead
bureaucrats occupying higher rungs at the office.

And most people I have sympathy for seem to somehow be becoming
worse with age..? Or maybe I am becoming more cynical with age?
I remember a time in the past when most people were emitting
some pure being: "This is who that person wants to be". But some
years down the line they have given up, or maybe I have given up
on them and see their future worse than it is. I can only think
it is the grind getting to them or to me.

And I can see that my successes are the things that are trapping
me. I have more than I ever did, and I see no real reasons out
there that will come to take it away. It's only the subjective
that can take it. I feel like remaining where I am is an
existential risk somehow, and if I act on that feeling, I will
lose what I have gained.

There is also a deeper problem with leaving the grind behind:
I don't believe anymore in the lifestyle I used to have before
the grind. The brutality and stoicism of not having anything can
only be sustained by a belief. Of course that is true of all the
other ways too.. I am just not sure I have any belief for any way
at the moment.

It might be the virus era has done this, whether it is me or
most everyone else. It brought in the feeling that things might
just not get better anymore. With all the disaster movies we've
been primed with, it may be almost pavlovian.

I can't see a leverage point, and I am not sure I would know
what to use if for if I found it.

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