2022-03-22
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During the past month I have kept a rather tight social isolation
due to my mental state. I don't know what the state should be
called. I guess it is something like meditative grief. I have felt
like any prolonged human input on my situation would be
detrimental. They are so fast to push it onto one side of the
separator or the other. Personally I am trying to gently dwell in
it.

I still am unable to nail down exactly why this all happened.
There are synchronicities and there are long themes, there are
dreams and there are signs. It is a strange thing to come to a
very clear vision of untenability when all the info is so mushy:
The future I can only smell is being diverted by a person who 
is more a ghost than the person I used to think she was. It's all
so immaterial.

You tell these things to a person and they will be like, "yeah,
I always knew she was not good for you" or "I know it must be
very painful for you now" etc. They jump to conclusions.

I am just trying to see why I see so clear now. I see a giant
"no" sign where before I could only see frustrations and 
misunderstandings, but nothing that comes to the full view of
actionability. This "no" is shining through the tangled mess of
weights and counter weights. It is part math part intuition.
It is not clear to me, if imagining myself looking at myself
from above, why can I make that decision with such certainty?
There are no objective reasons that can't be undermined by 
some or other explanation. I could easily grasp any of these
straws and keep my old life for some time longer. But no, I
am very sure of what I must do, while at the same time I feel
no need to forcibly clear the brush from shadowing my clarity.
I don't feel like I am right in some moral sense, I feel like
I am making the right decision from the perspective of my
future growth or something like that.

What this makes me feel vividly is the instinct to "decide"
how the past was, to compartmentalise it and put it in a box
where it doesn't have to be thought about anymore. I would
easily have enough negative info to do this boxing, but I
just don't think it is the most fruitful way forward. I think
that when I do re-emerge to the human level of existence I
will have to allow people to take their sides and just try to
hold onto my own interpretation the best I can.

The life alone has been calming after I had a new roof over my
head. I have been training myself in distance walking, which is
a nice way to evoke a certain feeling of progress without too
much mental commitment to anything. I have kept my information
intake to podcasts I am used to, plus some books and a radio.
The radio is a "new" thing for me. I never listened to radio in
a concentrated manner, but now I have gotten into the classical
music they play in the evenings and some programs where people
share their memories about some topic.

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