2022-07-24
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Some time ago I heard this little factoid (the thruthfulness
of which I care not verify) that it's not too uncommon for people
to go on a meditation retreat, have a glimpse of something there,
come home and kill themselves.

There are certain ideas, like this one, that just burrow into my
mind and will not leave. It's not like the idea is 'haunting' me,
it's not like it's somehow 'uncomfortable', but it is more like
there is some meaning there that cannot be absorbed at once. It
has to leak into my consciousness by osmosis.

Now that I am back home, now that my normal life is going to
slowly accelerate back to the usual pattern, I can taste a bit of
what the pseudo-enlightened suicide victim experiences. It's a
strange mixture of accomplishment and defeat. It is like having
a handful of new puzzle pieces: You know that it's a good thing
to have more of the missing pieces, but it seems that the amount
of work needed to complete the puzzle has increased.

How to integrate an experience that is so different from the norm?
It may seem like a silly question to the reader. It was just a
walk, afterall. Why would it be difficult to handle? You can take
a walk anytime.

It's not just a walk. It's the people, the distortion of reality.
At one point I was legitimately high from walking. It's also the
routine, the repetition for so long, you are really detached from
the normal existence. Duplicating the experience while in every
day reality does not seem feasible.

Just have to feel gratitude for the new puzzle pieces, that's all.

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