2023-08-12
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There is something in me that wants to grow a long beard and
disappear into the forest. There is someone in me who wants to
merge with another through some emotional transfer. Can these
desires be cycled in synchrony with the realities?

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I wrote that ^ four months ago. Strangely, both happened. And it
seems the modes can be compatibly orchestrated with the cycles
of the sandbox.

The disappearance went as planned. I took the boat to the
beginning of a river system and paddled down for three weeks.
I was living in a hammock, visiting small towns for supplies and
enjoying the simplicity of the activity. It is interesting how
the paddling and cooking basically becomes a lifestyle. It takes
up all the time. I had a book reader with me, but opened it maybe
three times. I should go more barebones next time.

The second thing was more unexpected. I fell in love with an old
friend. We had been quite close before my breakup, but after it,
it had been like she is the only one I can really confide in.
This was partly due the fact that she knew both me and my ex very
well but was not taking sides. It seemed to me that everyone else
was.

Well, we found ourselves in bed and it sort of burst a bubble into
a whole new perspective on who we were. It escalated fast. The
trust between us was so high because of knowing each other for
almost two decades that the level of intimacy exploded. There is
also this empathic connection between us that I didn't have with
my ex or anyone else either.

The trust plus empathy cracked something in me. I was having sex
that was healing some deep stuff in me. I am sure the fact that
I had half a year of pretty intense therapy was essential
preparation for what happened. First there was the false image
of man as sort of a sex machine. Man is the active one, man is
supposed to please the woman, and so on. If man fails, he is to
be ridiculed. Man is also the only possible perpetrator of hurt,
so he is the one who needs to be extra careful for not being a
dick. As this image blew up, I could surrender and be receptive.
This led to some serious tantra stuff. That was literally the
first time we had sex. The second revelation came some time later
when I ended up enacting a scene from my childhood where I had
received a sexual trauma, but this enactment was sort of a
catharsis where I could take the traumatic situation and choose
to act in a way that made me a free being instead of a victim.
Third lesson is about power. I don't think it has properly
started yet, but I am sure it will. I have not felt good about
dominating anyone, and haven't been able to ask to be dominated
either, but both of these things are about to change. We had a
bit of a session about these things and it was hot.

I think all these things boil down to trust issues and
difficulties communicating in the past. It's not like I see this
relationship fixing everything, I still have plenty to work on
myself, especially about communicating better, but it is amazing
how many things really have somehow clicked into place.

One thing that is especially useful for communication is that
neither of us have much respect for the traditional mating
storylines, so it sort of demands things to be communicated much
more explicitly than if both of us signed up for the "let's get
married and get a bunch of offspring" story. In that case the
noncommunication is silently the norm, since you only communicate
the things that are deviating from the storyline. We don't have
an off-the-shelf story, so we need to communicate stuff that
would be taboos otherwise. Like, for example, we agreed that the
strictly monogamous attitude basically spoils people due to them
starting to think of themselves as asexual beings when not with
their spouse. This will not work, erotic connection is not boxed
in like that, and the result is that they turn asexual with their
spouse as well. So, this leads to the conclusion that it is best
to not think of ourselves being strictly monogamous, while still
thinking of ourselves as life partners.

I'm not exactly sure what is it that makes it so easy to talk
like this with her. I guess we are both quite non-judgemental
essentially. Also, she very much says what is on her mind, so
I can trust that if I ask her what she thinks of some taboo
subject, she will most likely just say what she thinks and also
doesn't think worse of me for asking about it.

My perspective for life has changed. I think it's not an 
exaggeration to say that I have not felt this free in at least
five years. I feel like a whole new vista of exploration has
opened up. It is interesting to see how deep can this go.

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