2024-06-05
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What to say when you have stood on the edge of the world for long
enough that you can see it's outline? There! There it is! I know
that practically no one else sees it.

"Consensus reality check... Check, check?"

Rationalism is a fear reaction for when you can't trust your
intuition anymore and are afraid to keep waiting for an answer
you would accept.

"Do not take a step back! Keep looking through the hole."

What I had seen as a ball of anxiety floating over me has been
massaged into a more fluid state. Now it most often bubbles into
my view as a slight distortion of the visual signal. Sometimes
if feels like it's a border to the Unconscious right next to me.
Like this world is being pushed by the other world. Sometimes 
when I open my eyes I expect to see a creaturely face in front
of me.

"There are no prophets! There is no signal. It's all noise."

The symbols that come through are not decoherent any more. The
anxiety was what it was since the symbols were pushing through
with a pressure that was making them mesh into each other and
rush by with incomprehensible speed. Or maybe they combined into
something with a distorting amount of gravity.

I filled twelve notebooks with drawings of the symbols. I started
by drawing my dreams. Then I picked themes and object from them
and elaborated on them. Sometimes there are hypnagogic states
when waking up or falling asleep. I don't necessarily "see" much.
It is more like I sense the distortion of the visual field in 
certain shapes or in specific states of movement. Sometimes,
although rarely, some symbol presents itself as a complete
visual concept that doesn't take any sketching to bring it
forward.

From outside all this would seem like I have become some sort
of religious fanatic. Part of me still thinks this, of course.
But, I have discovered so many parts of my Self now that I can
relativise the rationalist skeptic and try to give witness to
the other parts a bit more.

The rationalist always has to stay "outside" us, since he is using
the tools of the collective. The consensus reality means voting
on what is real. Only the lowest common denominator can win as
always with voting. Being subtle does not work there.

Following intuition I try to stay afloat, above the sinking rut
of rationalism. But with intuition, you can only dimly sense
the next step and the overall direction. Rationally you could see
further, but you would be confined to keep your feet on the
ground.

Intuition is part of the phenomelogical perspective. It is there
because you sense it is there. It is not provable from outside.
But, neither is consciousness or free will. I can experience
them from inside but not from outside.

When you think rationally, you don't stay within your own
experience, but rather "imagine" being a 3rd person to the
experience. What would happen if I rid myself of the habit of
falling into this imaginary 3rd person?

Interesting that it is the 3rd. It is not enough to separate
yourself from your experience by relating to an imaginary friend
who you can talk to, as you might to a second person. You
are from my perspective at this moment of writing the second 
person. And I must be a second person from your perspective. But
the 3rd person is somewhat creepier. He does not participate and
he cannot be addressed. He is just looking.

I have met several beings during the past year. They are not 3rd
but not quite 2nd either. These categories are false, I think.
The beings have their own existance, but they speak through me
sometimes, as if telepathically.

I did this practice called Active Imagination for three weeks
and travelled through a war torn land. In the end I found a symbol
and my anxiety basically disappeared.

What happens in the mind is real. That is the taboo of our time.
If I see a being and communicate with it, the experience of this
communication does something to me. And it does something to the
being, even if that being does not exist in the consensus reality.

I came to consider even time itself being affected in the same
way. By my activity I might not only change the future, but also
the past. Why? Otherwise I cannot have free will. Causality binds
the present, the future and the past. The most economical way
to have free will is to allow causality to flow backwards. Of
course, this is not a rationalist argument, but a
phenomenological. There is nothing in the field of my experience
that says moments flow only forward.

At the moment I feel that it is a knife's edge, but it might just
be my vertigo speaking. Maybe people fall into this and we just
never hear from them again. Why would we if we are on the floor,
in the rut? They are falling towards the space.

If it is an edge, it is about balancing the negation of a negation
all over again. There can never be anything more solid than the
intuition, and that is not at all solid. Not an inch to stand on.

I never thought there would be such a radical question of 
"believing in yourself" as what the encounter with this another
world poses. It is very much a leap of faith. And "faith" is not
really something in my vocabulary. It is ok to do some soul
searching and a little magick here and there, some mystical
journeying and deep talks, but what if the road starts turning
into something more like prophesy or channeling? It is not an
empirical study into my mind anymore. Study of mind can be done
with no concept of "faith", let alone the experience of it.

And I am not talking about the sort of faith in god's law or
belief in pope or whatever it is that they do to keep up the
walls of the tower. I am talking about faith in the basic
reasonableness or coherence of the world behind the constructions
that we have inherited, including things like "logic".

The mystic learns how to swim in the water that the schizophrenic
drowns in. It is terrifying though. 

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