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       __________________________________________________________
       
       Internet Board of Disease Control
       
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       TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,
       
       I regret to inform you that you have been named as
       a possible cyber-sexual partner of someone who has
       tested positive for the ATTICS (Affliction Transmitted
       Through Internet Chat Sex) virus. It would benifit
       you to be tested and/or treated for this disease.
       ATTICS is highly contagious and can be spread
       by a simple "f@ck you" or "muuuuaaaahhhhh".
       It appears to be predominent in WebTV users
       but has been detected in the PC community.
       
       Amusing as this may sound this is no laughing matter!
       ATTICS is a mainly psychological disorder but can
       fester into physical ailments if not treated. You will
       be provided with a list of symptoms, if you have any
       of these contact this office and forward this notice
       to all your cyber-sexual contacts!
       
       The following is a list of symptoms, onset of these
       symptoms may be immediate or may remain undetected
       for years. PLEASE do not ignore these warning signs!
       
       KEYBOARD COURAGE:
       The threatening of another chatter for no logical reason.
       
       WOOHOO:
       The uncontrollable urge to say wooooohoooooo to anything
       that may be deemed sexual in nature (may be a result of
       overactive woohoormones).
       
       HOLIDAY INN-hibition:
       The need to take someone to a private room.
       
       P.T.P.U.D. (POST TRAMATIC POP UP DISORDER):
       Heavy reliance on popups.
       
       HORIZONTAL RETNAL SCAN:
       Inability to read anything that doesn't scroll up.
       
       LOSS OF FINGERNAILS.
       
       BEDPAN COMPLEX:
       Having a bucket next to the TV for human waste.
       
       CYBER TERRETTS SYNDROME:
       The random shouting of obscenities every time the phone
       rings.
       
       RED EYE: Elimiination of any whites from the eye.
       
       VIRTUAL SPEED:
       The ability to make 2 lunches, fold a load of laundry,
       go pee, and put in a video, before your last comment
       leaves the screen.
       
       SLEEP APATHY:
       Going without sleep to chat.
       
       CYBER ANNOREXIA:
       Going without food to chat.
       
       SYMBOLIC DSYLEXIA:
       The use of initials instead of words ie.:
       LMAO=LAUGHING MY A$$ OFF.
       
       NIC IDENTITY CRISIS:
       The adoption of a nic as a second name.
       
       If you encounter any of these symptoms feel free
       to contact me.
       
       THANKS FOR YOUR TIME,
       
       Dr. Pete O. Fender Internet Board of Disease Control
       
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