2018-07-13 - Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg =========================================================== Feelings Wheel Chapter 1, Giving From The Heart ================================ The use of NVC does not require that the persons with whom we are communicating be literate in NVC or even motivated to relate to us compassionately. If we stay with the principles of NVC, motivated solely to give and receive compassionately and do everything we can to let others know this is our only motive, they will join us in the process and eventually we will be able to respond compassionately to one another. Four components of NVC: * Observation * Feeling * Needs * Request Two parts of NVC: * Expressing honestly through the four components * Receiving empathetically through the four components The essence of NVC is to be found in our consciousness of these four components, not in the actual words that are exchanged. Chapter 2, Communication That Blocks Compassion =============================================== Life-alienating communication includes: * moralistic judgments * making comparisons * denial of responsibility * demands * deserving punishment/reward Life-alienating communication is rooted in views of human nature that stress our innate evil and deficiency, and a need for education to control our inherently undesirable nature. Such education often leaves us questioning whether there is something wrong with whatever feelings and needs we may be experiencing. We learn early to cut ourselves off from what's going on within ourselves. Life-alienating communication both stems from and supports hierarchical and domination society. When we are in contact with our feelings and needs, we humans no longer make good slaves and underlings. Chapter 3, Observing Without Evaluating ======================================= The first component of NVC entails the separation of observation from evaluation. When we combine the two [without separation], others are apt to hear criticism and resist what we are saying. NVC is a process language that discourages static generalizations. Instead observations are to be made specific to time and context. Chapter 4, Identifying and Expressing Feelings ============================================== The second component of NVC is to express how we are feeling. In NVC, we distinguish between words that express actual feelings and those that describe what we think we are. In expressing our feelings, it helps to use words that refer to specific emotions, rather than words that are vague or general. Chapter 5, Taking Responsibility For Our Feelings ================================================= The third component of NVC entails the acknowledgment of the root of our feelings. NVC heightens our awareness that what others say and do may be the stimulus, but never the cause of our feelings. We see that our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as our particular needs and expectations in that moment. Four options for receiving negative [unpleasant] messages: * Blaming ourselves * Blaming others * Sensing our own feelings and needs * Sensing others feelings and needs We accept responsibility rather than blame other people for our feelings by acknowledging our own needs, desires, expectations, values, or thoughts. [Needs are a continuum from survival to thriving. When some needs go unmet, we die. When other needs go unmet, we remain alive but we don't thrive as much. How to distinguish between needs and wants? Needs tend to be things we share in common, while wants tend to be privately held by individuals.] The basic mechanism of motivating by guilt is to attribute the responsibility for one's own feelings to others. Distinguish between a giving from the heart and being motivated out of guilt. Connect your feeling with your need: "I feel... because I..." Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our own unmet needs. If we express our needs directly, we have a better chance of getting them met. In a world where we're often judged harshly for identifying and revealing our needs, doing so can be very frightening. Emotional liberation involves stating clearly what we need in a way that communicates we are equally concerned that the needs of others be fulfilled. NVC is designed to support us in relating at this level. Chapter 6, Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life ================================================== The fourth component of NVC addresses the question of what we would like to request of others in order to enrich life for us. Use positive language to express what we are requesting rather than what we are not requesting. Make a request in clear, positive, concrete action language to reveal what you really want. Vague language contributes to internal confusion. Depression is the reward we get for being "good." It may not be clear to the listener what we want them to do when we simply express our feelings. We are often not conscious of what we are requesting. Requests unaccompanied by the speaker's feelings and needs may sound like a demand. The clearer we are about what we want back, the more likely it is that we'll get it. To make sure the message we sent is the message that's received, ask the listener to reflect it back. Express your appreciation when your listener tries to meet your request for a reflection. Empathize with the listener who doesn't want to reflect back. After we've openly expressed ourselves and received the understanding we want, we're often eager to know the other person's reaction to what we've said. The use of NVC requires that we be conscious of the specific form of honesty we would like to receive, and to make that request for honesty in concrete language. Usually the honesty we would like to receive takes one of three directions: * What the listener is feeling * What the listener is thinking * Whether the listener would be willing to take particular action It is especially important when we are addressing a group to be clear about the kind of understanding or honesty we want back from them after we've expressed ourselves. Otherwise, much time is wasted. When the other person hears a demand from us they see two options: submit or rebel. To distinguish between a demand and a request, observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with. It's a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges, or lays a guilt-trip. It's a request if the speaker then shows empathy toward the other person's needs. Expressing genuine requests also requires an awareness of our objective. The objective of NVC is to establish a relationship based on honesty and empathy. Chapter 7, Receiving Empathetically =================================== Empathy requires focusing full attention on the other person's message. We give to others the time and space they need to express themselves. When we are thinking about people's words, listening to how they connect with our theories, we are looking _at_ people--we are not _with_ them. The key ingredient of empathy is presence: We are wholly present with the other party and what they are experiencing. This quality of presence distinguishes empathy from either mental understanding or sympathy. While we may choose at times to sympathize with others by feeling their feelings, it's helpful to be aware that during the moment we are offering sympathy, we are not empathizing. In NVC, no matter what words people use to express themselves, we listen for their observations, feelings, and needs, and what they are requesting to enrich life. After, we may wish to reflect back by paraphrasing what we have understood. NVC suggests that our paraphrasing take the form of questions that reveal our understanding while eliciting any necessary corrections from the speaker. Those questions require us to sense what's going on within other people, while inviting their corrections should we have sense incorrectly. When asking for information, people feel safer if we first reveal the feelings and needs within ourselves that are generating the question. ... I would recommend it particularly during moments when the questions we ask are accompanied by strong emotions. It is generally safe to assume that speakers expressing intensely emotional messages would appreciate our reflecting these back to them. When we paraphrase, the tone of voice we use is highly important. We also need to be prepared for the possibility that the intention behind our paraphrasing will be misinterpreted. Behind intimidating messages are simply people appealing to us to meet their needs. A difficult message becomes an opportunity to enrich someone's life. Paraphrasing tends to save rather than waste time. By maintaining our attention on what's going on within others, we offer them a chance to fully explore and express their interior selves. We would stem this flow if we were to shift attention too quickly either to their requests or to our own desire to express ourselves. What evidence is there that we've adequately empathized with the other person? First, when an individual realizes that everything going on within has received full empathic understanding, they will express a sense of relief. We can become aware of this phenomenon by noticing a corresponding release of tension in our own body. A second even more obvious sign is that the person will stop talking. If we are uncertain as to whether we have stayed long enough in the process, we can always ask "Is there more that you wanted to say?" ... if we find ourselves unable or unwilling to empathize despite our efforts, it is usually a sign we are too starved for empathy to be able to offer it to others. Sometimes if we openly acknowledge that our own distress is preventing us from responding empathetically, the other person may come through with the empathy we need. At other times, it may be necessary to provide ourselves with some "emergency first aid" empathy by listening to what's going on in ourselves with the same quality of presence and attention that we offer to others. Or we may need to scream non-violently or take time out. Chapter 8, The Power Of Empathy =============================== "When... someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good... When I have been listened to and when I have been heard, I am able to reperceive my world in a new way and go on. It is astonishing how elements that seemed insoluble became soluble when someone listens. How confusions that seem irremediable turn into relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard." --Carl Rogers It's harder to empathize with those who appear to possess more power, status, or resources. The more we connect with the feelings and needs behind their words, the less frightening it is to open up to other people. We "say a lot" by listening for other people's feelings and needs. Empathize, rather than put your "but" in the face of an angry person. When we listen for their feelings and needs, we no longer see people as monsters. It may be difficult to empathize with those who are closest to us. Empathizing with someone's "no" protects us from taking it personally. To bring a conversation back to life: interrupt with empathy. Another way is to openly express our desire to be more connected, and to request information that would help us establish that connection. What bores the listener bores the speaker too. Speakers prefer that listeners interrupt rather than pretend to listen. One of the hardest messages for many of us to empathize with is silence. Empathize with silence by listening for the feelings and needs behind it. As listeners, we don't need insights into psychological dynamics or training in psychological therapy. What is essential is our ability to be present to what's really going on within--to the unique feelings and needs a person is experiencing in that very moment. Chapter 9, Communicating Compassionately With Ourselves ======================================================= When we are internally violent towards ourselves, it is difficult to be genuinely compassionate towards others. We use NVC to evaluate ourselves in ways that engender growth rather than self-hatred. Shame is a form of self-hatred, and actions taken in reaction to shame are not free and joyful acts. The word "should" has enormous power to create shame and guilt. It implies there is no choice, and we have a strong need for choice. We react to tyranny even when it is internal. Self-judgments, like all judgments, are tragic expressions of unmet needs. Mourning in NVC is the process of fully connecting with the unmet needs and feelings that are generated when we have been less than perfect. It is an expression of regret, but one that helps us learn from what we have done without blaming or hating ourselves. We follow up with self-forgiveness: connect with the need we were trying to meet when we took the act which we now regret. Don't do anything that isn't play. When we are conscious of the life-enriching purpose behind an action we take, when the sole energy that motivates us is simply to make life wonderful for others and ourselves, then even hard work has an element of play in it. Correspondingly, an otherwise joyful activity performed out of obligation, duty, fear, guilt, or shame will lose its joy and eventually engender resistance. With every choice you make, be conscious of what need it serves. Be conscious of actions motivated by the desire for money or the approval of others, and by fear, shame, or guilt. You know the price you pay for them. The most dangerous of all behaviors may consist of doing things "because we're supposed to." When we speak a language that denies choice, we forfeit the life in ourselves for a robot-like mentality that disconnects us from our own core. Chapter 10, Expressing Anger Fully ================================== Killing, hitting, blaming, hurting others--whether physically or mentally--are all superficial expressions of what is going on within us when we are angry. The choice is ours at any moment to shine the light of consciousness on the other person's feelings and needs. When we choose this, we never feel anger. We are not repressing the anger; we see how anger is simply absent in each moment we are fully present with the other person's feelings and needs. At the core of anger is a need that is not being fulfilled. This can be valuable to use as a wake-up call. When we become aware of our needs, anger gives way to life-serving feelings. Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment. Judgments of others contribute to self-fulfilling prophesies [isn't this a form of blaming?] Four steps to fully expressing anger: * Stop. Breathe. * Identify our judgmental thoughts * Connect with our needs * Express our feelings and unmet needs In most cases, however, another step needs to take place before we can expect the other party to connect with what is going on in us. First we need to empathize [and hear] them before they can hear us. Stay conscious of the violent thoughts that arise in our minds without judging them. I've learned to savor life much more by only hearing what's going on in [human beings'] hearts and not getting caught up with the stuff in their heads. Our need is for the other person to truly hear our pain. People do not hear our pain when they believe they are at fault. Probably the most important part of learning how to live the process we have been discussing is to take our time. We may feel awkward deviating from the habitual behaviors that our conditioning has rendered automatic, but if our intention is to consciously live life in harmony with our values, then we'll want to take our time. Chapter 11, The Protective Use Of Force ======================================= In situations where we need to resort to force, NVC requires us to differentiate between the protective and punitive uses of force. The intention behind the protective use of force is to prevent injury or injustice. Punitive--is to cause individuals to suffer for their perceived misdeeds. In practice, punitive action, rather than evoking repentance and learning, is just as likely to generate resentment and hostility and to reinforce resistance to the very behavior we are seeking. Fear of corporal punishment obscures children's awareness of the compassion underlying parental demands. Punishment also includes judgmental labelling and the withholding of privileges. When we fear punishment, we focus on consequences, not on our own values. Fear of punishment diminishes self-esteem and goodwill. Two questions help us see why we are unlikely to get what we want by using punishment to change people's behavior: 1. What do i want this person to do? 2. What do i want this person's reasons to be for doing it? Chapter 12, Liberating Ourselves And Counseling Others ====================================================== We've all learned things that limit us as human beings... much of this destructive cultural learning is so ingrained in our lives that we are no longer conscious of it. The resulting pain is such an integral part of our lives that we can no longer distinguish its presence. It takes tremendous energy and awareness to recognize this destructive learning and to transform it into thoughts and behaviors that are of value and service to life. To be able to hear our own feelings and needs and to empathize with them can free us from depression. Focus on what we want to do rather than what went wrong. Defuse stress by hearing our own feelings and needs. Also by empathizing with others. Chapter 13, Expressing Appreciation In Nonviolent Communication =============================================================== Compliments are often judgments--however positive--of others. Expressing appreciation as a way to celebrate, not to manipulate. NVC clearly distinguishes three components in the expression of appreciation: * The actions that have contributed to our well-being. * The particular needs of ours that have been fulfilled. * The pleasureful feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those needs. NVC encourages us to receive appreciation with the same quality of empathy we express when listening to other messages. [ Below are videos of an 8 hour NVC training session from the author. Below are links to feelings and needs lists ] author: Rosenberg, Marshall B detail: LOC: BF637.C45 tags: book,non-fiction,self-help title: Nonviolent Communication Tags ==== book non-fiction self-help