2022-07-20 - Deep Listening by Jillian Pransky
==============================================
The cover and title of this book caught my eye in the used book
store. This book has 10 chapters. Each chapter has informative text
plus the following sections:
* Yoga
* Restorative Yoga
* Meditation
* Contemplations
* Journaling Prompts
* Instant Pause and Resets
The reader is invited to record their own voice reading the
contemplation section and then listen to it as a guided meditation.
I liked the journaling prompts. They sound simple when i read them,
but the experience was more profound.
I especially liked the self-paced, non-judgmental tone of this book.
What follows are excerpts from the book. I generally took notes from
the main body of each chapter and not from the special sections.
Introduction
============
Deep Listening is the process of truly connecting to ourselves and
our lives. It isn't so much a specific technique as it is an
approach to how we receive and respond to ourselves and others.
Deep Listening is the habit of paying close and tender attention to
our body, our mind, and our heart so we can meet our "stress"
differently. This type of attention provides us with more resources
and a greater capacity--physically, mentally, emotionally, and
relationally--to respond calmly, clearly, and wisely, and also to
engage more fully and expansively in our life.
We're going to develop Deep Listening tools that focus on
experiencing our connectedness. This feeling of connection not only
changes the way we respond to stress, it actually leaves us feeling
less stressed, increasing the amount of joy in our life, and sets the
conditions for us to evolve.
That might sound like a big promise, but it's not. We're designed to
feel deep connections. And we are going to learn how.
The tools we'll use are simple and may even be familiar to
you--meditation, yoga, relaxation, mindfulness, journaling, and an
"Instant Pause and Reset" technique that can be done anywhere, at any
time.
These mind-body practices are designed to balance the nervous system
and have been known to increase immune functionality, enhance the
process of digestion, and set the whole body up for deep healing,
growth, and repair. They also help us discover and release the
tension we hold, making us more comfortable and at ease in our body.
... These tools help us develop the skills that, over time, can
actually transform our lives.
The Instant Pause and Resets allow you to quickly refresh and shift
your energy. They have been one of my most treasured tools for
getting calm and clear.
Let me tell you a secret: Even after more than two decades of yoga
and meditation practice, I still need help centering myself when
something sends me reeling. So I created these short, 3-breath
"resets" that I use throughout the day.
Here's another secret: I don't wait until I need them. I usually
schedule them into my routine, maybe three times a day. In fact, on
days when I know I really need the extra support, I set my phone
alarm every two hours to remind me to Pause and Reset.
Chapter 1, Welcome
==================
When a major event, transition, or unexpected incident triggers a big
shift in perspective, feelings we have buried for years often rise
up, seemingly out of nowhere.
I think of well-being as the ability to live in a state of
contentment. Contentment is a bit different from simply being happy.
We usually think of happiness as dependent on a set of
circumstances. Contentment, on the other hand, is not dependent on
anything. It's a sense of not needing or wanting things to be
different, in order to feel "okay."
When we cultivate a sense of well-being, we are developing a
relationship with ourselves that provides... strength and security...
Well-being is the ability to stay grounded, relaxed, and open to
whatever your circumstances are. It's the freedom to be present with
whatever is going on inside our outside of you.
We cultivate well-being by relaxing into the life that we have right
now.
Fostering a sense of well-being does not require anything especially
difficult. But it does require showing up and spending time with
ourselves in a way we may not be accustomed to.
Showing up starts with a simple action: We pause.
Pausing is an activity that's accomplished exactly the way you'd
think--we just stop for a bit. It's a small break that we take, on
purpose, to gather ourselves.
When we pause, we take a moment to be with ourselves, right here,
right now, in whatever state we're in. We don't have to do anything.
We don't have to feel any particular way.
Pausing gives us extra room to take things in. It allows us time to
listen to ourselves before responding or reacting. We pause so we
can pay attention to ourselves, to others, and to the world around us
in a more open and compassionate way. It's one of the main tools we
use to release tension in our bodies and in our minds. It's one of
the most valuable skills we can develop to change habits that do not
serve us.
Every time I practice, the first thing I do is pause and welcome
myself.
Imagine that moment when you truly sense how delighted some is that
you've arrived.
When we feel welcomed, we show up more.
There is no more powerful message we can send to ourselves than
greeting ourselves with open arms.
Chapter 2, Let Yourself Land
============================
As a young woman [growing up in a family of boys], I wanted to feel
valuable, and I always felt valued when I worked. So I worked MORE.
More jobs. More assignments. Better titles.
I loved my job. I loved my strong body. I loved being a mother.
And because I was "good" at it all, I thought I was supposed to do
MORE of it.
During each of my three health crises... I felt as if the ground had
crumbled beneath me. I was a strong, can-do person--and then,
suddenly, I wasn't.
I now have reverence for my burnout, my anxiety, and the way that I
dropped completely. These trials were my teachers, forcing me to
ask, "Why am I always pushing so hard?"
My favorite description of how hard we're always working comes from
True Refuge by psychologist and meditation teacher Tara Brach. She
says, "It's like we're in a motorboat noisily zipping around, trying
to find a place that is quiet, peaceful, and still. We're solving a
problem, responding to demands, preparing for what's next, improving
ourselves. But we're just making more waves and noise wherever we
go. It counters our ambitious conditioning but true freedom comes
when we throttle back the motor and come naturally to stillness."
Somehow, we believe that if we stop working so hard, something will
NOT be okay. WE will not be okay, and this creates a lot of stress.
When we're zipping around, it's as if we're forever running toward
something or running away from something, and our nervous system
thinks, "Oh, if you're running, things must not be okay. I'll help!
I'll give you more of what you need to run!" and that "help" sets off
a whole series of events in our body and in our mind.
The [hormonal] stress response leaves us ungrounded so we become
naturally and powerfully drawn to anything that makes us feel better
quickly, even if it doesn't last.
So when we don't think we're "okay" ... our brain is operating in
emergency mode and we are psychologically unable to make considered
and compassionate choices. We react rather than respond, and our
reactions are formed by our survival instincts. [Fight, Flight,
Freeze, Fawn] Because, as far as our neurology is concerned, we're
in the face of a threat, and all that matters is that we get safe and
things become okay. This is our biology--it's true for all of us.
... the relationship between the stress response and the relaxation
response--the dual aspects of our neurology that are in charge of
either keeping us safe OR keeping us nourished and well. Like a
light switch that is either on or off, both of these responses cannot
be engaged at the same time.
[
Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers, a book about the stress response
The Relaxation Response, a book about the relaxation response
]
... the relationship between our mind and our body is so fundamental
and interconnected that it almost makes no sense to discuss the two
as separate entities. When we start to experience this connection,
it allows us to understand how we can support ourselves emotionally
by working with our body, and how we can support our physical healing
by attending to our emotions.
So, feeling grounded does not necessarily occur only when we're
cultivated a "balanced" mental state. It can also develop by
noticing what it feels like when our body is completely supported by
the earth.
We are training to become more and more familiar with the moment when
we feel ourselves--physically and emotionally--land on the ground.
That moment when we exhale and we feel like we don't have to keep it
all together and hold it all up and get it all done. We're training
ourselves to notice that moment when we feel completely unencumbered,
even for a very short time. In truth, it calms our nervous system
when we feel a sense of support in our life and in our world.
Since one of the most powerful ways to feel more okay mentally and
emotionally is to learn how to relax the body, we begin by learning
how to relax one of the most chronically tensed muscles in all of us.
The psoas is a long muscle that connects our legs to our spin. When
we feel unsafe, this muscle contracts. In fact, it's the very first
muscle that's activated if we need to fight, flee, or freeze [or
fawn].
All day long, our nervous system is communicating with our psoas, and
our psoas is sending information back to our nervous system. Mind
and body are in constant conversation about our feelings of safety.
This communication system gets complicated when our daily habits
affect messages to and from our psoas. For instance, the psoas
contracts not only when we feel threatened but also when we drive,
when we sit for too long, and when we walk on concrete. Even walking
in certain shoes can tighten our psoas. In other words, this muscle
becomes constricted from things most of us do every single day.
A tight psoas can cause back pain. Or, because it attaches in our
midsection, a tight psoas can hamper digestion. As extreme as it
sounds, this muscle can affect so many of our systems that when it's
chronically constricted, not only can it leave us physically
uncomfortable but it can also leave us emotionally unsettled and
anxious.
When our psoas is tight, it's hard to sense ourselves landing on the
ground. But when the psoas is malleable and pliable, it allows us to
feel safe and grounded--like we belong on the earth.
Once we feel the safety offered by the ground, we can begin to relax.
Instead of our tendency to keep zipping around trying to make things
better, we can pause and listen to what is actually going on in our
body and in our life. Because as we'll learn, when we view our life
through a lens of stress, we often don't see things as they really
are.
Experiencing life from a place of calmness and clarity changes us.
When we're calm, our brain turns our big-picture, prefrontal cortex
thinking back on and we actually begin making decisions that better
serve us. We are able to listen confidently to our intuition, and
our choices begin to emerge from deep wisdom and compassion.
Chapter 3, Being Here
=====================
When we can't breath easily, we become anxious, and our mind starts
racing out of the present. We become unable to thoughtfully attend
to what's going on right in front of us.
Each time we pause and replace our attention on our breath, our mind
comes "home" to our body.
Paying attention to our breath brings us here, into the present,
where we are able to notice what's happening within us and around us
on a moment-to-moment basis.
We can be in the most relaxing, nourishing place in the world, but if
we are busy-minded or fast-forwarding or rewinding to some other
place, we have a completely different experience.
If we want to develop a sense of well-being, we need to come back
here. IF we want our body to move into the mode of health and
healing, we need to come back here.
We live under the illusion that we can control the events of our
lives. Everything we work so tirelessly to construct--from our
relationships to our jobs to our identities--can change in an instant.
When we're young, it's easier to embrace change. In fact, unfamiliar
experiences are necessary for parts of our brain to develop. But as
we get older, we are more naturally drawn to sameness. That is how
we're wired. A certain amount of predictability in life helps us
feel safe.
... the natural order of things is not sameness, but change.
Seasonal changes are something we rely on, even look forward to. Yet
we spend a lot of energy trying to resist change in our life.
... the stress response initiates in about one-twentieth of a
second--the time between two heartbeats.
Similarly to the way we can take a physical approach to "feel"
grounded, we can also address our anxiety by focusing on what's
happening in our body. For example, we know that our psoas muscle
tightens when we are stressed. The top of the psoas attaches to our
spin right around the diaphragm, and ideally, when we breathe, our
spine moves supplely. However, when the psoas contracts into that
urgent runner's stance, it pulls on our spine. As a result, the
spine moves less fluidly and the area around our diaphragm becomes
compressed and constricted. The less freely the spine moves, the
less easily we breathe.
And the less freely we breathe, the more anxious--and less
present--we feel.
The good news: Mindful breathing can break that loop.
When our diaphragm is moving fully and freely, a message is sent
through our nervous system that says, "We're safe."
[Slow, easy breathing] calms us, letting our brain know that
[survival mode] can go offline.
Slowing our breath down takes little more than attention.
... the breath is continual and constant. It gives us the
opportunity, over and over, wherever we happen to be, to notice "This
is an in breath" and "This is an out breath."
Every breath is new, and every breath brings us into the present
moment.
The practice isn't to figure out how to stay HERE, it's learning how
to come back. Our practice actually begins each and every time we
find ourselves THERE instead of HERE. We're learning how to notice
that we've tripped out and then how to guide ourselves back. It
doesn't matter how many times we trip out. What matters is that we
return.
Chapter 4, How We Hold
======================
[The author was very tense when she went in for lab work. Though the
needle was in her vein, no blood came out. The nurse encouraged the
author to relax and breathe deeply. After the author did this, her
blood started flowing through the needle.]
When we are stressed, our muscles contract and many of our systems
are compromised. I was so bound up emotionally that morning, the
tension in my body affected my blood flow.
In my experience, muscle tension is different from muscle tightness.
Tension usually contains a psychological or emotional component.
Living with tension is like getting dressed to go to a party in
clothes that are two sizes too small. Everything feels constricted.
It's uncomfortable.
The first thing we need to realize is how much we think. We are a
thinking species, and our brain is built to generate thought
constantly--meaning nonstop. When we pay attention to our thought
stream, we become aware that we tend to start little conversations
with our many thoughts.
We take our original thought and start adding to it. And in doing
so, we begin to give the whole thought stream more weight. Getting
tangled up in thoughts like this is so natural, we are barely aware
it's happening.
Often our original thought is neutral before we start the dialogue.
According to current research, an average of more than ninety percent
of our daily thoughts tend to be repeats. Our repeat thoughts are
one of the main ways we zip away from here, usually without even
noticing.
What makes this especially troubling is that studies show upwards of
80% of our repeat thoughts tend to be negative in nature.
These thoughts are usually ones that remind us how we need to be
better and do more. The thoughts we return to are not the ones that
make us feel spacious, worthy, and alive. They're the ones our mind
considers threatening.
This tendency... is a function of our evolutionary design to keep
ourselves safe.
Neuroscientist and brain researcher Jill Bolte Taylor describes a
phenomenon she came to understand after she'd suffered a stroke and
was working to recover her own brain function. She... discovered
that our triggering, weighty thoughts have a natural lifespan of only
about ninety seconds--as long as we do not engage with them. In
other words, if we have a potentially stressful thought... and we
simply observe that thought without "adding on," the feelings that
are stirred up will typically rise, crest, and dissipate naturally in
about a minute and a half.
Ninety seconds can feel like a long time if we're stirred up
emotionally. But the beauty of this knowledge is that we can begin
to see for ourselves that our feelings often pass quickly if we don't
feed them with attention.
When we engage [our thoughts] in conversation, unconsciously or on
purpose, we're making them more solid. Whether we intend to or not,
we're inviting them to stay.
Rather than having a conversation with our thoughts, we are going to
practice just noticing them. Because understanding how our mind
works sets the groundwork for noticing where tension resides in our
body.
But as gently as noticing is, it is still a skill--something that
comes more easily with practice.
...before we can release how we hold, we have to discover where we
hold. This can be tricky at first; it isn't always obvious where our
tension resides. We're so used to living with it, we can think we
are relaxed while, in fact, we are still harboring tension.
Chapter 5, Making Space
=======================
I am no longer fond of the concept of letting things go because it
implies we need to eliminate something from our life, and that idea
can create more tension.
So instead of trying to "let things go," I invite my students to "let
things be." This is the attitude from which we can make space.
When we release our tension, what had been protected becomes exposed.
Usually, we've done such a good job shielding ourselves it leaves us
feeling very vulnerable when we shed some armor. And when we sense
our vulnerability, we feel the need to protect ourselves even more.
Creating space does not mean increasing the distance between you and
whatever makes you uneasy. Rather, we create space by training
ourselves to recognize a triggering moment and then choose to relax
on purpose. However, most of us can't simply "relax" on command.
Instead, we need to work gently with the design of our nervous system.
Chapter 6, Listening Softly
===========================
A listening practice begins with making a choice to relax with
whatever comes up in our body, mind, and heart. It means choosing to
receive in a tender, nonjudgmental way whatever our tension has been
protecting. It means opening up, over and over, to anything we
discover, without feeling the need to critique or fix or change.
The mindset we cultivate to meet ourselves in this way might be the
most valuable skill we ever develop. ...the way we listen to what
our body is saying will either leave us feeling as though we are
being cared for or as if we need to protect ourselves. It is our
manner and attitude that will leave us feeling open and soft or
hardened and closed.
Yoga is not about "assuming" a pose or posture. It's about
discovering how we feel in the pose as we're doing it.
Releasing our tension requires softness.
It does not require knowing all the answers to whatever may come up.
We don't need to figure anything out. We just need to give ourselves
kind and friendly space to receive not only our first uncomfortable
thought or feeling but every uncomfortable thought or feeling.
Our real strength is in our ability to soften and receive.
Chapter 7, Listening Deeply
===========================
The more we pause, soften, and listen deeply to what's stored inside
us, the easier it becomes to relax our "shoulds" and "supposed tos."
Listening to our inner voice rewires us. It allows us more access to
our big-picture thinking, more comfort when we're in a state of
"not-knowing," and a greater capacity to pause before responding to
challenging circumstances in our lives. It becomes easier to feel
our own spaciousness and flexibility, allowing us to experience our
relationships--and our life--in ways that we were not able to before.
In other words, our perspective begins to change.
We also need to understand that even if we do hear our inner wisdom
clearly, we may not yet know that we can trust it.
To become more confident in responding in ways that are wise for us,
we simply begin by wondering "What does it feel like to be me right
now?" And a mindful yoga practice provides us with all the tools we
need to answer that question again and again.
Listening to ourselves with kindness and curiosity not only clears up
the static, it helps us generate faith in what we hear and our
ability to respond.
Feelings are not fixed; there's never one single way you "should"
feel about anything.
Now, every morning when I sit to meditate, I ask myself, "What do I
need to know today?"
The power of this question is not in the answer but rather in the
asking. It's a curious and gentle question. It's purpose is to open
us up to the wisdom inside us. The question itself helps to clear
our static.
When we can listen to ourselves in a welcoming, embracing way, it
shifts how we listen in the world.
Listening deeply allows us to broaden our perspective of who we
really are.
As our perspective changes, it's easier to see not only the
difference between our experiences and who we are but also that we
are all much bigger than our circumstances. Once we can relax into
that space between stimulus and response, not only are our options
different, WE are different.
Chapter 8, Listening Bravely
============================
When someone is treated with kindness and compassion they are more
apt to act kindly themselves. But also, when we consciously choose
compassion toward another, we're actually flexing our "empathy
muscle" and making it stronger.
When we feel compassion, we release hormones that make it easier to
sense our similarities, as opposed to the stress hormones that can
keep us focused on our differences. Our "compassion hormones" make
it easier to be grateful rather than cynical. We naturally begin to
relax some of the ways we guard ourselves. We perceive fewer
boundaries between ourselves and the rest of the world, and this
makes us feel that we're part of something much bigger.
Chapter 9, Listening Again and Again and Again
==============================================
Even if it feels as if they define us, we can always make a choice to
evolve our stories. And in doing so, we ourselves evolve.
There's a Native American tale about a grandfather trying to impart
this wisdom to his young grandson.
The grandfather explains that it's as if we each have two wolves
living within us. One wolf represents all that we consider good:
kindness, courage, compassion, love. The other wolf represents the
darker parts: fear, hatred, anger, greed.
"The two wolves are in constant battle," the grandfather tells the
boy, letting him know that everyone struggles with their own conflict
between darkness and light.
"Which wolf wins?" the boy asks his grandpa.
"Whichever one you feed."
Not only can we offer ourselves a do-over every day, but doing so is
truly the essence of what our practice is all about.
"Setting intentions" can sound very New Agey, but it's something most
of us already do on a regular basis.
If people don't know exactly what they want for themselves in the
moment, I suggest an easy, go-to intention that I consider
invaluable: "May I be open to whatever I need to know right now."
Setting intentions is part of the process of creating new, more
nourishing habits. The more often we pause and set an intention, the
easier it becomes to make wise choices. And then the easier it is to
do it again.
There's no need to wait until we are in a heated battle with a loved
one to call a do-over, and there's no need to wait for a particular
day to start evolving our future. We have all the tools we need to
affect our well-bring right now. We can start every day with a fresh
intention.
Deep Listening is a lifelong practice. There is no magical moment
when we're "done."
Journaling Prompts
------------------
* What does your future self want you to know?
* What does Future You wish for you, today, right now?
* What does Future You want you to remember about your well-being?
* What does Future You want you to remember about love?
[I liked these prompts a lot. They seem less threatening than an
externally imposed demand that I plan for my future and have goals
for where I will be 5 or 10 years from now. Amy Palatnik taught me
about my past self giving a gift to my future self, such as the gift
of better dental health via oral hygiene. It is interesting to
consider a goal as a gift given from my future self to my past self.]
Chapter 10, A Deep Listening Practice: Putting It All Together
==============================================================
Well-being is the ability to feel okay no matter what our
circumstances. To respond to the people and events in our lives from
a place that's calm, clear, and open rather than react from old
habits or stories that may not serve us.
The more relaxed we are, the better able we are to nurture our own
well-being. True relaxation is a conscious and intentional activity.
We're working with a system that is designed to not let its guard
down easily.
* We begin by pausing to welcome ourselves, in whatever state we're
in. When we feel welcomed, we show up more.
* We pause to feel our feet on the ground--to land--which allows us
to feel safe, stable, and grounded.
* We pause to notice our breath, which anchors our mind in the
present moment.
* We pause to notice our thoughts, feelings, and any physical
tension. We remind ourselves that we don't need to fix anything,
we just need to observe what arises and give it all a little more
space with our breath. We practice allowing ourselves to "feel"
what we feel without adding criticism, judgment, or regret. We
practice noticing how our thoughts and feelings naturally come and
go when we don't add on.
* We practice making the choice, again and again, to go through all
the steps we need in order to make space for the next thing that
comes up, and the next thing and the next thing.
* We practice regarding ourselves and our circumstances with an
attitude of kindness and curiosity. We grow present and listen
softly, with our eyes, ears, and heart.
* We relax our "shoulds" and our "supposed tos" and allow ourselves
to listen to what our wise, inner guidance has to say.
* We practice regarding the people in our lives with an attitude of
compassion--at first quietly and privately on our own--whether we
think they deserve our compassion or not. We offer compassion to
the people closest to us and the people who challenge us. And we
offer compassion to ourselves.
* We practice meeting our feelings, our challenges, our ideal and
not-so-ideal circumstances with the intention of staying relaxed,
curious, and open in the face of all of it.
* And when we're done doing all that, we get up the next day and do
it again.
author: Pransky, Jillian
detail:
ISBN: 978-62336-856-2
tags: book,inspiration,non-fiction,spirit,yoga
title: Deep Listening
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book
inspiration
non-fiction
spirit
yoga