2023-06-07 - Man Enough: Undefining My Masculinity by Justin Baldoni ==================================================================== I checked out this book from the local library after listening to a podcast about maculinity. I was basically seeking another viewpoint, and the book delivered one. It was an interesting mix: part self-congratulatory and part self-effacing. Out of the whole book, what stood out as the most useful to me were the life-hacks, particularly the one about how to listen better. In order to emphasize it, i will quote that first, followed by my notes from the book. > And if you want the easiest life hack/shortcut to becoming a better > listener, here it is: When someone is speaking, look at them, try > to make eye contact, and do your best to let them know with your > whole body language that you are listening. Then, when the person > is DONE speaking, take a breath and speak. Oh, and if you ever > find yourself in an intense conversation about you, and your > behavior, please, please resist the urge to defend yourself, and > once you have listened, acknowledge that you heard them. Sometimes > all that someone you love needs to hear is "I hear you." And there > you have it. Preface ======= This is not a memoire, but it is a personal exploration that attempts to frame my perspective using oftentimes uncomfortable (at least for me) personal stories on what it's meant to be a man and also what it has the potential to mean if we approach manhood a little differently. I've learned through therapy that I question my worth because underneath the question is a statement, a belief that for some reason has been held, formed, brainwashed, projected onto me and socially reinforced in me every day of my life as long as I can remember. That belief is that somewhere, deep down, who I am, as a man, a friend, a son, a father, a brother, a husband, an entrepreneur, an athlete, an X, is simply... not enough. Sometimes I wish we could--just for one day--be real with each other. Just one day. To say what we mean and mean what we say. Where for once we realize that not only do we have no idea what... we're doing here, but that more than anything, if we are ever going to figure it out, we need to lean on each other to do so. Introduction ============ If you are here to learn about the history of masculinity and how we got here, how to fix your life, or how to be a certain way to impress someone, then you picked the wrong book. This isn't an academic treatise or a motivational self-help book. ... instead of writing a motivational book, i am writing an invitational one. I am sharing my story in hopes that it invites you into yours. I am asking questions of myself in hopes that together the collective "we" can ask those same questions. To this day, asking questions is the tool I use the most to dig deeper, to learn, to discover, and to navigate roadblocks on the path from my head to my heart. I found that men, when confronted and lovingly challenged in private, were not only more than willing to listen but, even more inspiring, were open to doing the necessary self-work to become the most honest, virtuous version of themselves. ... every single man I know has had countless experiences of feeling like we don't fit in. ... you are not alone in your struggles, emotions, or fears. Chapter 1, Brave Enough ======================= Nope, i jumped because more than being scared for my physical safety, I was scared of being seen as a "pussy." Let me translate that into the not-so secret language of masculinity, the rules that govern our very existence. To a young boy, being called a "pussy" means being seen as weak. And I was more scared of being seen as... inferior, than I was of missing the three-foot opening of rock-less water and paralyzing myself. Yep, it's that intense, simply because in the language we young boys and men speak to each other, being a "pussy" means being a girl, which means not being a man, or, at best, it means you're a very weak man, which is absolutely rooted in sexism. We don't even take the time to pause and think about how the normalization of using these words as teasing or harmless fun unconsciously affects the way we see and treat the girls and women in our lives. Little did I know at the time, this would be just one moment in a string of thousands that reinforced a dangerous and confusing message about bravery and masculinity: acts of bravery aren't judged by ourselves internally, but are completely dependent on external factors... So what was the main lesson I learned on that fateful day on the bridge? That my sense of myself as a man didn't come from within, didn't bubble up from some inner core of manliness or innate worthiness. Nope, manhood was something that was going to be conferred--or withheld--by other guys. This meant that my "man card" relied on my ability to perform, and they were the audience and also the critics. It meant pretending that I didn't have the feelings I had, and also pretending that the feelings I didn't have were actually the ones I did. It's called acting. But, the truth was, that I didn't even know what I felt... I wasn't even sure if I knew how to feel, much less honor the feelings that bubbled up. It is this not knowing, this emotional paralysis, that author and scholar Bell Hooks considers a real blight on men's sense of self, and I couldn't agree more. To be accepted as a man, I first had to learn to suppress parts of myself that other men would think were "unmanly." And if I didn't do it on my own, you better believe there would be another man--who was also wanting to be accepted--to do it for me. I don't believe women need another man jumping on the "woke" bandwagon, wearing a feminist T-shirt, and tweeting and speaking out about social issues, who isn't willing to start by doing the hard work of introspection and self-reflection. I believe the world needs men to show up, not in big ways, but in hundreds and thousands of little ways... That work doesn't begin with an audience; it starts in the mirror, with an audience of one. ... the schoolyard ... quickly became a classroom, albeit an anxiety-inducing one, where I would learn what it took for me to be accepted by the other boys--what it took for me to be deemed good enough, tough enough, strong enough, brave enough, man enough. And it all starts with one simple rule: don't show your emotions. Now from the outside, it may not have seemed like I, as a city kid, had a lot in common with the country boys in [southern] Oregon, but there was one undeniable thing everyone of us could relate to: no one wanted to be labeled a "pussy," and the way to avoid that was to follow rule number one. One of the ways that I have begun reconstructing the path from my head to my heart is by creating experiences that force me to be vulnerable. If there's something I am experiencing shame around in my life, I practice diving straight into it, no matter how scary it is. If shame thrives in silence and isolation, then the opposite must be true: shame dies in speaking up and in community. Chapter 2, Big Enough ===================== In the West, there has been a growing movement among men focused on stopping what they call the "feminization" of men. The basic belief is that every strong civilization that has ever existed has needed strong masculine men to survive and flourish and that the patriarchy isn't a socially constructed thing--it's just the way God made us. The belief is that our system is part of the natural hierarchical organizational process of humans and animals and that men have been benevolently extending and granting rights to women and protecting them for thousands of years. There are countless offshoots, subgroups, and beliefs held by many of these men, but essentially one of the core beliefs is that men are divided into two categories: alphas and betas. The problem that [L. David] Mech discovered was that wolves behave differently in captivity than they do in the wild, and the "alpha wolf" actually doesn't exist. This bothered Mech so much that he has spent the better part of the last forty years publishing articles and debunking the confusion around the myth of the alpha wolf... This whole notion of our muscularity being the barometer for our masculinity is often referred to as the "Adonis complex." We men do this thing where we assess our perceived place on the man-enough ladder, ... and then we attempt to climb up the ladder by stepping on the man we perceive to be on the run below us. What if our physical strength is simply a band-aid on the bigger problem? A problem that exists within our culture, and with masculinity as a whole. If we are trying to get bigger and stronger, if we are trying to learn self-defense and survival skills, if we are buying guns to protect our families from intruders, or buying pepper spray for the women and girls in our lives, or offering to walk them to their cars at night then there's a... good chance that we are really late. The work to protect the women we love must begin with ourselves first, and then with the men in our lives. One of the tools I utilize the most to help check myself is the concept of the why ladder. It's about taking a brief pause and asking myself why, and then why again, and then maybe why again. It's about climbing the why ladder as a way to check, and challenge, my intention. Chapter 3, Smart Enough ======================= The boy who knows the answers to every question the teacher asks is often teased for being a "know-it-all" or a "try-hard." At the societal level, men are just "supposed" to be smart, simply by virtue of being men. And if we're dumb, that's okay too because we've created a culture where forward progress is still possible simply by virtue of being a man, hence the term "failing up." Women are the emotional ones, but men, due to our capacity to cut ourselves off from emotion, are the "rational" ones, the smart ones, the problem solvers. And believing is seeing: the world around me has always reinforced [this idea]... While the message about being smart is often conflicting, there is one message that has remained consistent across personal experience and societal pressure: we have the answers. ... if you want to be a man of value, you have to be a man of resourcefulness. But not just any resourcefulness, your OWN resourcefulness--your own smarts, competence, and intelligence. For me, part of accepting and embracing the fact that I don't have all the answers also means having to look at my fear of being wrong and my knee-jerk reaction of defensiveness when I am corrected. But what I've learned is that being willing to be wrong, to ask for help, for directions, to admit sincerely when you've made a mistake and also admit that you don't know the answer, makes it that much harder to "cancel" you because you are effectively canceling yourself. By humbling yourself and sitting in the discomfort of your humanity, I believe something almost spiritual happens, and regardless of who you are, you become real and relatable. Chapter 4, Confident Enough =========================== If you had met me in high school, chances are you might have described me using adjectives like "cocky," "arrogant," or "overconfident." I was well-aware of my deep-seated insecurities and lack of confidence. So much of my personality was put on and performative. I can look back now and almost see this play out and feel so much compassion for my [younger] self. My facade of overconfidence was me overcompensating for my insecurities, for parts of me I felt ashamed of. For example, as naive and ignorant as it may sound, I had no idea that it was a well-known thing among women that men often sit in a way that has us taking up more than our share of a seat or space, also known as "manspreading." [I have been criticized more than once by both men and women for having too much tension in my posture, folding my body in on itself, as though i were trying to hide myself or be invisible. Seems like a double-bind to me. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.] In the summer of 2017, when I sat down with my friend Dr. Michael Kimmel, a sociologist who specializes in gender studies, for one of our Man Enough episodes, he stated the importance of creating the kinds of spaces where men feel safe enough and confident enough to speak up and share. A space they can trust that what they share won't be used against them. I've found that the most difficult part of connecting is sending that initial text or making that first phone call to try to set up a time to connect. But I've paid enough attention to know that if I can just make that effort to reach out, it almost always pays off. Men are taught to be, or to appear to be, self-confident, but we are not taught ow to develop or know our own self. Hot take: you can't be self-confident if you don't have a sense of self. Self-confidence without self-awareness is false and performative. So I began the work of cultivating a sense of self, of asking myself what I was really like, what I really liked... [This was] a continuous practice that invites awareness into my thoughts and actions, what makes me tick, what fuels me. It's deep, internal, and extremely personal, and the growth is slow to see. Researchers have studied facial muscles on men and women to measure emotional reactivity because facial muscles are controlled by the brain's emotion circuits. In one study, they placed electrodes on the smiling muscle, the zygomaticus, and on the anger/scowling muscle, the corrugator, and measured the muscles electrical activity when the participants were shown emotionally provocative pictures. This study found that men were more emotionally reactive than women in the first fifth of a second; in other words, when it was still unconscious. [Well, men are reputed to be more visual than women.] But then as time went on into the range of conscious processing, the men became less emotionally responsive as the women became more so. This blew my mind! Their findings may suggest that men may be equally as sensitive, if not even more so than women, but that we have trained ourselves to disguise, disengage, or deflate those muscles. And if these muscles are controlled by our brain's emotional system, then it further demonstrates that we have been trained to numb or disengage from our emotions. Chapter 5, Privileged Enough ============================ Like male privilege, white privilege is uncomfortable for me to talk about. In addition, if you are feeling triggered by me saying "male privilege" and "white privilege," then that means one thing: we need to talk about it. [So much for consent.] Oversimplified, white privilege means that the color of my skin will never be a hurdle for me, just like male privilege means that my gender will never be a barrier for me. Chapter 6, Successful Enough ============================ In my mind, the messages of success and the pressures of providing are tied so intricately with the messages of masculinity that when I start to bump against them, it feels impossible to try to dissect and separate them. The more successful a man becomes, the more of a man he becomes. It turns out that what makes us happiest is not having what we want, but wanting what we have. When I made decisions from a place of wanting to impress or to fill a void, I always lost. Being reactive for me always comes from a place of fear, and fear is often an indicator of scarcity. So now, instead of appearing like I know it all, I surround myself with people who know far more than I do, and I humbly ask their opinions an advice. At the time [that the author hit rock bottom], I had what I perceived to be nothing to offer. I was jobless, heartbroken, crashing on their couch, not able to contribute financially to anything, and was experiencing a season of depression as a result. I mean, I didn't want to be around me, so why would anyone else want to--especially other men? And yet those guys, who are two of my best friends to this day, genuinely, sincerely valued me. They saw value in me. They encouraged me to stay active, to get off my ass. They loved me and were there for me in such a profound way that it brought me back to life. They affirmed my desire to create and pushed mt to take practical steps to hone my skills and bring my ideas to life. They prayed for me and with me, reminding me of a purpose for my life that goes far beyond people's perceptions of my life--far beyond my own perception of my life. The things I had been seeking in the perception of success, I began finding in the reality of relationships, connection, and community--something that I believe is far more important for men to realize. This is exactly the hallucination that forms the foundation for the ideology of masculinity: it's never enough. The only way for whatever we have to be enough is to change the story, change the criteria, change the definitions. As I began to look at my relationship with masculinity, I crashed headfirst into my relationship with success. If I wanted to be a man who was strong, confident, and secure, I needed to be successful by society's definition. For me, living a truly successful life will mean that I have acquired far more moments and memories with those I love and have given far more than I have taken. Here's a little hack that helps me the most when I am stuck or feeling lost. Imagine you are at the end of your life. You're ninety-five years old, and the doctors have told you that you have days left to live. Who do you want to be surrounded by? When you think back in the season, or the moment of your life you are currently in, will you regret the choice you made or be grateful you made it? Did it serve you and the people you love? Did it lead to true happiness, or was it a decision made out of fear or out of pressure? Chapter 7, Sexy Enough ====================== Sex is something men are told we must be the most confident about. Yet for many men, this is not true. For me--and a lot of guys--pornography was "sex education." There was literally no where else to turn where it was safe to ask questions, and often it wasn't even about fantasies; it was about understanding what sex looked like and how to have it. As a man, I have been socialized to not give myself permission to feel any feelings or have emotions around sex. [This chapter mostly focuses on the author's struggles with porn.] Chapter 8, Loved Enough ======================= When you have a concept as massive and universal as love, it really helps me to break it down and think of it in smaller ways. While I believe there are infinite ways and kinds of love, this chapter is about love as it relates to romantic relationships and, even more specifically, in a marriage. As it stands now, it's ever easier and more widely accepted to be emotionally and physically intimate with multiple people at the same time. But my personal belief is that we only have so much energy and time in a given day... Ever hired a contractor who is building four or five different houses? I have. It sucks because their attention to yours slowly starts to diminish with every other house that they are building. [Now there's a Western analogy, with each atomic family having their own separate house, and the resources to hire their own dedicated contractor. In the old days people would gather together for barn raising, and it took a village to raise the bairns (children).] ... there's one relationship that's impossible to escape, one relationship every one of us has the opportunity to choose without regret or remorse, one we don't swipe way out of: the one you have with yourself. That's the starting point... that supports the relationship you will have with your partner. But now I realize that all a spiritual awakening or enlightening moment does is give you a glimpse into the realization that you are more than you thought you were. That you are a part of something beautiful and bigger than yourself. That you are enough. Chapter 9, Dad Enough ===================== Unfortunately, the method by which we measure fatherhood readiness is the exact method by which we measure masculinity. As men we've been socialized to believe that if we can't provide for our families, then are we even men? Just the possibility of financial hardship and not being able to provide for our partners and children is enough to put most men into a state of paralysis and choose not to have kids. [At least they are making a conscious choice.] That moment we found out Emily was pregnant, what had previously been an invitation for me to take the journey from my head to my heart quickly became a demand to take the journey. My aunt Susie told me that my grandpa wanted to be in the delivery room when she was born in the 1940s, but the hospital refused to allow him in--even though he was a senator. In the 1940s and '50s, virtually no men were in the delivery room when their wives gave birth--that was the law and what was considered to be the norm. Chapter 10, Enough ================== A foundational part of this book, and my journey, has been taking the messages that society has given us and trying to reframe them in a way that actually benefits me. Are you brave enough to be vulnerable? Are you confident enough to listen? Are you strong enough to be sensitive? Are you adventurous enough to dive into the deep waters of your shame, into your behaviors, your thought patterns, and the stories you carry that hurt like hell? Are you hard working and courageous enough to take the journey from your head to your heart? [Great, yet another way to torture myself and fall short.] I discovered that what I had mistaken for a desire to be man enough was actually a fundamental need to belong. One of my best friends, Ahmed, once told me that one of the original meanings of the word "human" in Arabic is insan, which translates into English to "insane." Now, while it has many meanings and translations, one of the more accurate translations is "they who forget." So to be human quite simply means to forget. For me that means that the real journey is the remembering: remembering who we are, who created us, our purpose, and our worth. author: Baldoni, Justin, 1984- detail: LOC: BF692.5 .B36 tags: book,gender,non-fiction title: Man Enough Tags ==== book gender non-fiction