2023-10-23 - Living Introverted by Lee Ann Lambert ================================================== I found this book in a thrift store. I was surprised to learn about the scientific evidence that the predisposition toward introversion is mainly genetic. Many of the observations written down by the author match my lived experience. Interesting to think that some of these tendencies are rooted in neurological differences. The author wrote about a lack of solid statistics, but estimated that introverts make up about 25% of the population. What follows are relevant excerpts from the book. Introduction ============ Sometimes, I would be quite social and charming, as is always possible with introverts. I mystified my parents and my schoolteachers. At one moment I was outgoing and friendly, and in the next, I would become withdrawn and secretive because the socializing had simply worn me out. Chapter 1: What Does It Mean To Be Introverted? =============================================== It was Carl Jung, one of history's most acclaimed and controversial psychological theorists, who coined the terms "introvert" and "extravert" (note that Jung used an "a" in extravert, and it has somehow evolved to using an "o," as in extrovert--either is fine). Introverts are people who need to be left alone at times (much more often than extroverts). We prefer to spend the bulk of our time "in our heads," and we cannot do this well while in the middle of a group of people at a tailgate party. Introverts tend to be thinkers, planners, strategists, and imaginers, and enjoy doing complex work with our brains. We prefer symbols to spoken words. When completing tasks and projects, introverts tend to be more methodical and focused than extroverts. We are more economical with both movement and words, and frequently go at a given task with a quiet resolve until it's done. Introverts tend to be much more sensitive to outside stimulus, meaning noise, the activity around them, the ringing of the phone, even caffeine. While extroverts drink this stimulation in, we get overloaded very quickly. The reason for this is our very low tolerance to dopamine; the neurotransmitter that is involved in providing the pleasurable feelings one gets from thrill seeking and excitement. Introverted minds are always turning and are able to stimulate themselves so fully that too much commotion from the outer world will make us cranky, tired, and will eventually cause us to sort of shut down for a bit. The last definitive mark of an introvert is the preference for depth vs. breadth. In her book The Introvert Advantage: How To Thrive in an Extrovert World, Marti Olsen Laney explains that extroverts love to spread their attention and interests far and wide, while introverts feel happier delving deep into a few subjects or focusing deeply on a few relationships, tasks, hobbies, or projects. Because of our very low-key nature, introverts are often mistaken for being shy, aloof, misanthropic, slow, dull, or lonely. Chapter 2: The Introvert Brain Versus The Extrovert Brain ========================================================= Science has found that the brains of introverts work differently than the brains of extroverts. First, the introvert's brain is more self-stimulating than the extrovert's. Second, the paths by which information is processed are different, with the introverted path being long and complicated and the extroverted path being fairly straight and unhampered by bends and twists. And finally, the neurotransmitter preferences between introverts and extroverts are different. Many extroverts have low sensitivity to dopamine, so they need to do things that they find exciting to keep their dopamine level high. Usually dopamine can be kept at high enough levels for an extrovert simply by staying busy with social and externally focused activities. Introverts on the other hand, are incredibly sensitive to dopamine, according to Ms. Olsen-Laney. A little is more than enough. We like to have a different neurotransmitter, acetylcholine, traveling our brain paths. In contrast to dopamine, which produces exciting and pleasurable feelings when the extrovert is engaged in social activities, acetylcholine produces pleasurable feelings for the introvert when he or she is thinking and feeling on an inner level. Acetylcholine is associated with a calmly alert state. Introvert: Increased eye contact when listening. Extrovert: Decreased eye contact when listening. Introvert: Does not enjoy being the center of attention. Extrovert: Wants to be the center of attention. Introvert: Shuts down when over-stimulated or stressed-out. Extrovert: Thrives on outside stimulation. Introvert: Surprises others with their depth of knowledge about a given subject. Extrovert: Is invigorated by knowing a little about a lot. Introvert: Has excellent long-term memory. Extrovert: Has excellent short-term memory. Introvert: May have trouble retrieving information quickly. Extrovert: Shoots from the hip. Introvert: Operates at an overall lower energy level--more relaxed. Extrovert: High energy--quick movements, can't sit still for long. Introvert: Gets uncomfortable with increased interactions. Extrovert: Gets uncomfortable with less interacting. Introvert: Not fond of surprises. Extrovert: Surprises are part of the fun. Introvert: More territorial. Extrovert: Less territorial. Chapter 4: The Personality Spectrum and Influences Beyond ========================================================= Introversion and Extroversion ============================= Some personality traits might be hard-wired; a part of our genetic code from a thousand generations. It seems that the tendency towards being introverted or extroverted is most likely something we are born with. Everyone's personality is an intricately woven web that intertwines the DNA inherited from mother and father, and the behavioral traits that are inherited, learned, and developed through life. To tease the web fully apart would be nearly impossible. Chapter 5: Is It Nature or Is It Nurture? ========================================= Somewhere along the line, someone is going to ask the question, "Are introverts just extroverts who haven't developed their social skills?" This is an unfair question... Introverts can and do have excellent social skills available that they can use *when they choose to be social.* According to a 1956 study of both fraternal and paternal twins by Hans J. Eysenck, it found that identical twins "resembled each other more closely than fraternal twins in extraversion and introversion." In 1969, researcher Sandra Scarr found a moderate to high genetic contribution to being introverted or extroverted, and in 1976, J.M. Horn, R. Plomin, and R. Rosenman found that identical twins were more likely to be similar in their inclination to talk to strangers (a good indicator of introversion or extroversion) than fraternal twins. Richard Depue and Paul Collins argued in their article, Neuriobiology of the Structure of Personality: Dopamine, Facilitation of Incentive, Motivation, and Extraversion, that there is a very strong case for a neurobiological basis for extroverted behavior which is linked to incentive motivation. Basically what the research says is that there is a genetic link to doing extroverted things because it boosts the dopamine level in the brain. Extroverts like dopamine. Introverts can only take a little at a time. Chapter 6: The Gifts of Being Introverted ========================================= Some of the best gifts that introverts have to offer are independence, self-reliance, and the ability to stand alone. Relying on ourselves for our own best answers and the willingness to stand alone gives the introvert an advantage in situations where individual strength is required. Introspection and the gift of self-awareness are also among the gifts of being introverted. While both introverts and extroverts can be of high intelligence, introverts generally display a very high ability to concentrate well for extended periods of time. Complex thinking and working through puzzle-like problems are activities that the introvert's mind is well adapted to. Chapter 7: The Problem With Socializing ======================================= If you are trying to change a basic trait such as your introverted personality, you will have about as much success as you would trying to change your hair color. Sure, you can cover it with another color, but it's still the natural color underneath. It's one thing to learn to adapt to certain situations, and quite another to try to force yourself to change. Chapter 8: Honing Your Social Skills ==================================== How To Small Talk ----------------- * Ask people about themselves. Most people love to talk about themselves... * Ask questions that are more than a yes or no answer. * Find nice things to say about the person you are talking to. * Listen attentively. * Check out what your new friend is wearing and ask about it. You can almost always find some sort of a prop to start a conversation or to encourage others in conversation. * Take compliments with a smile. The Art of Listening -------------------- * Understand that the person you are listening to might not have the same communication style as you. * When listening to someone, give feedback. This reinforces to the speaker that you are actually paying attention, and it forces you to stay with the conversation. * Do not make assumptions about what is going to be said, and don't fill in words. This can be very annoying for the speaker. * Use eye contact and other body language to let your conversation partner know that you're fully engaged. Smile, nod, and add in a facial expression or two. * Do not interrupt. * Try not to judge what is being said or the person saying it. * Keep your body language open, unless you're trying to signal that the conversation really needs to end. * If you need to end the conversation, try to find a natural break in it, and say something like, "I really need to cut this short. I've got tons to do, but I've enjoyed talking to you." * Do not multi-task while you're having a conversation. [Not even on the phone.] * Pay enough attention so that you have something to talk about or ask about the next time you meet. * If the conversation is going on and on and you can't escape, but you really need a break, go ahead and allow yourself to remove yourself mentally from it. Just remember that it's possible that you will miss something important. * Respect others need to talk and be heard. For each of us these needs are different, but neither right nor wrong. How To Say No To An Invitation ------------------------------ One social skill that comes in pretty handy for an introvert is the skill of saying "no." * No thank you. * I need to focus on my personal life right now. * I have been bogged down at work and need to spend some time alone relaxing. * I'm sorry, but I've set that day (afternoon, whatever) aside for some personal time for myself. * Not this time, but possibly in the future. Next time, give me a little more time to fit it in my schedule. * This week isn't good for me, but I am free either next Thursday or Friday afternoon. * It sounds like you have a fun day planned, but I'm probably too low-key for all that. Would you like to meet me for coffee next week instead? * Hmm. I need to think about that. Can I get back to you tomorrow with an answer? Chapter 9: The Introverted Child ================================ Parents and society expect certain types of behavior from children. It is assumed that children will be naturally playful (as in with lots of other kids) and outgoing. It's also assumed that they will be social and want to learn about the new people that cross their paths. As children grow, they are expected to have the desire to join and spend time with many new friends and experience many new activities. For extroverted children in our world, this is all very fine. But for introverted kids, these assumptions and expectations are backwards. While introverted children needn't be treated with kid gloves, it's essential to allow them to have quiet time by themselves. It's also important to allow them to decide if they want to join in group activities and such. Helping an introverted child to learn about social skills is also important. The skills of cooperating with others in small groups, getting to know new people, socializing, and understanding the differences in personality types is critically important. These develop over time, and shouldn't be forced so much as gently taught as opportunities arrive. When it comes to the classroom, it's good to remember that introverted students do well with assignments that involve using their critical thinking and reasoning skills. They may be slow to join in a conversation or group discussion. It's not that they aren't paying attention, but that they are processing what they're hearing. For some introverted students there will be a time lag between learning and hearing/seeing a lesson and having the information readily available for regurgitation. Being pressured to answer questions on new concepts might prove to be unsuccessful, frustrating, and discouraging. Introverts might feel more comfortable discussing lessons and new material at their own pace, after they've had time to fully consider what they have learned, and feedback is appreciated when given in private, rather than in a group setting. Chapter 10: The Introvert At Work ================================= You see, it's usually not the job so much as the setting, atmosphere, and social expectations that get attached to the job that bother introverts so much. As a general rule, introverts do better in jobs that offer them lots of autonomy and flexibility and a quiet setting to work in. Introverts also do better in jobs that allow them to use their natural analytical abilities and creativity. We often dislike jobs where we have to answer the phone a lot, or deal with lots of people at one time or in a long succession. Introverts are often highly valued for their ability to concentrate, untangle messes, create plans and strategies, be creative in other ways, and deliver well-organized and thought-out work. Chapter 11: Tips and Techniques for Keeping Your Energy Level Intact ==================================================================== One of the biggest challenges that any introvert faces is conserving, preserving, and regaining energy. Being part of a world that is for the most part, very extroverted is part of our everyday lives. We need to find ways to protect our own energy levels and equilibrium. Here are some methods that may help for dealing with being in a situation that is over stimulating: * Retreat as much as possible--sit back and observe until you feel more comfortable. * Excuse yourself to the restroom. * Mentally isolate yourself--just shut down all but the necessary activities to look alive and engaged. * Retreat for a walk around the building or block. * Use deep breathing techniques to help stay relaxed. * Find a quiet place to read, work, or sit alone, even for a short while. * Use logical thinking to override the unpleasant emotions. * Hyper-focus on a task. [Dissociate] * Do something to ground yourself--drink a glass of water, rinse some dishes, pet a cat or dog, look at a coffee table book--anything to help you feel more normal and less spaced out. * Try to employ a mindset of "Be here now." Observe what is going on around you in a deep, almost analytical way. Pay attention to your own feelings and acknowledge them, but don't give them power. Pay attention to the details of what's happening and allow yourself to absorb and process your experience in a deep way. It might seem counter-intuitive to do this, but you need to employ some of your best introvert skills by allowing yourself to be in the midst of, and to open yourself to the experience. The trick will be in allowing things in, but guarding your energy and closely watching its outflow. For recovering and replenishing energy after socializing or a period of over stimulation: * Take a nap. * Stay home for a day if possible. * Exercise alone--go for a jog, walk, swim, or bike ride. * Cook alone. * Write in a journal. * Ground yourself by walking the dog, doing a hobby by yourself, or curling up in a blanket and reading or watching a movie. * Web surf. * Work in the garden, mow the lawn, do solitary projects around the house. * Go alone to a museum, the library, or a movie. * Cry. * Take a shower or bath. * Meditate. * Pray. It can help us to establish our own daily rituals, routines, and methods for developing our own mindset of calm and centeredness. For keeping energy levels steady during the course of each day: * Using positive self-talk. * Schedule your appointments and social activities so that they are spread out... and not all clumped together. * Give yourself time alone each and every day. * Learn relaxation and stress reduction strategies that you can use every day as a matter of habit. These can including regular exercise, relaxation breathing, meditation, journaling, visualization, guided imagery, yoga, Tai Chi, and other forms of relaxation. * Keep your personal surroundings calm and peaceful. Many introverts prefer an organized and clutter-free environment. * Avoid or reduce your consumption of caffeine and sugar. * Take time to do things you enjoy every day. * When you can, actively avoid situations that are known to be problematic. * Don't put yourself, or allow others to put you on a guilt trip over needing your solitary time. If stress is uncontrollable in your life, you may opt to look into finding help in the form of counseling or therapy. Chapter 13: Making Your Own Luck ================================ What makes a person lucky? [They:] * have a mindset that says, "Today is going to be good." * have a mindset that says, "I can handle this." * take care of business and do not hide from problem. * explore both the good and bad that makes up [their] whole self, and then cultivate the good and work on the bad. * determine [for themselves] what is good and bad--doesn't let society decide [for them]. * take action and do not wait for someone to solve [their] problems. * cultivate healthy, productive relationships. * trust themselves to make wise decisions and choices. * take responsibility for mistakes and fix them when possible. * realize that life is not perfect and that sometimes there are going to be problems. * use life's problems as teachers and learn valuable lessons from them. * work smart. * have priorities--if priorities are out of whack, adjustments are made. If you think something is amiss because you don't have scads of friends, it's only a problem if you're an extrovert. If you're an introvert, you're being normal. Anyone telling you different is misinformed. author: Lambert, Lee Ann detail: ISBN: 9781441464057 tags: book,health,non-fiction title: Living Introverted Tags ==== book health non-fiction