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# 2018-05-21 - The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome by Maxine Aston
# Preface
Since I wrote the first edition of this book, changes have been made
to the most recent version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual
of Mental Disorders (5th edition, APA 2013) and it has been decided
by them no longer to use the term Asperger syndrome and to refer to
individuals who come under this bracket as simply having an Autism
Spectrum Disorder.
# Chapter 1
[Asperger syndrome is] an impairment in communication, both verbal
and nonverbal. Their speech was inclined to be pedantic... speech
was often presented in a very monotonous or overly exaggerated way,
with little facial expression.
Under the new diagnostic criteria those who were previously diagnosed
with Asperger syndrome might fall under Autism Spectrum Disorder -
Level 1.
The three main criteria that people with Autistic Spectrum Disorder
share were arrived at by Lorna Wing and are now often referred to as
Wing's triad of social and language impairments. A diagnosis should
be based on impairments in the following three areas: 1. social
relationships 2. communication 3. imagination
However, to date, there is no specific universal agreement about the
diagnostic criteria.
The statistics on occurrence land somewhere between 1:100 and 1:300
people.
# Chapter 2
Statistics report more males than females.
Two interesting books referenced:
* Pretending To Be Normal by Holliday Willey
* Aspergirls by Rudy Simone
... The reasoning behind this seems to be that women are more
likely to choose a partner to whom they can relate whereas men are
more likely to choose a partner who compensates for what they find
difficult or cannot do.
# Chapter 3
A person with Asperger syndrome may be an expert in a particular,
often obscure, field... Their rote memory can be amazing... they
often seem to acquire all this knowledge without any effort. They
may be able to do all these things and often be very competent at
them, and yet their non-Asperger syndrome partner may... fear that
there would be some unpredicted crisis and their partner would have
difficulty coping with it.
# Chapter 5
The bluntness and honesty of the Asperger partner can also cause
problems in social activities. The behavior of a person with
Asperger syndrome may at times appear rude... they do not appear to
have needed any close or long-term friends.
Bullying can have an adverse effect on all children. It can lower
their self-esteem, confidence, and ability to be assertive. To
children with Asperger syndrome bullying may often go unreported and
undetected, and the lessons it teaches about other people can live
with them all their lives. They may carry with them the belief that
others are out to trick them, to make fun of them, and make them look
stupid. This may exaggerate their reaction to perceived criticisms
of themselves, and it is this heightened sensitivity that partners
may experience first-hand when trying to discuss how they feel about
a particular issue.
# Chapter 6
[Aspies often take things literally]
... non-verbal communication between partners may also cause
problems. Eye movements may also appear odd, your partner perhaps
staring for too long or looking away at an inappropriate moment.
# Chapter 8
Not everybody can live with the absence of intimate communication,
reciprocated feelings, and empathy that, to a greater or lesser
extent, are part of Asperger syndrome.
# Chapter 9
Most of the women with male partners with the syndrome describe them
as being very kind, gentle, and quiet men when they first met them,
and these were the characteristics that they were initially attracted
to. These men tended to display a naivete that had a boyish essence
to it, and the women they often chose had strong maternal, caring,
and warm ways. So instantly there can be a 'fit' between the two
halves of a couple of this type.
Boys with Asperger syndrome are sometimes teased at school because
they adopt a somewhat feminine approach, and are less likely to
conform to social stereotypes of masculine and feminine behavior than
is the case with their peers. Their mothers are more likely to be
their role models than their fathers, because it is often their
mothers they spend more time with. This could lead to boys
displaying mannerisms and gestures that could be misinterpreted by
other children as being 'girlish'; name-calling and bullying could be
the consequence.
Such a feminine side in an adult male can be very appealing to some
women, however. Many men with Asperger syndrome are quite happy to
cook, clean, iron, and even arrange flowers if they so wish. They do
not feel obligated to fulfill and display masculine roles, but are
much more likely to do what pleases them, rather than what society
states they are supposed to do. They may have quite a gentle
approach and rarely display aggressive behavior. Many women
interpret this as meaning that they are sure enough of their
masculinity to be in touch with their feminine side, and see this as
a positive quality in a partner.
As men with Asperger syndrome often choose women who are quite
strong, independent, and nurturing, this all fits together very well,
for a while. It is only after a time together that the contradiction
of this feminine side emerges. Although the man may be gentle, they
may also begin to display some rather chauvinistic traits. ... there
is a possibility that the man's partner may be older than he is.
It is not the case that men with Asperger syndrome deliberately
search out older partners. However, many of the non-Asperger women I
encountered in the course of my research were older than their
partners. Since the time of my original research I have found that a
woman with Asperger syndrome is also likely to choose a man who is
much older.
... the more able men with Asperger syndrome are often highly
qualified and have very well-paid jobs--frequently within the
fields of engineering, science, math, or computers. The ability to
work with objects rather than people could be described as a
characteristic trait of Asperger syndrome.
... some employers will often overlook the social problems an
adult with the syndrome displays as their hard and conscientious
work compensates for it.
# Chapter 10
Receiving couples counseling when relationships have run into
problems can, in many cases, help revive them. Indeed, the problems
in many marriages and relationships have been solved within a
counselling room. Unfortunately, this does not often appear to be
the case when one partner has Asperger syndrome.
For some, the result may be disastrous, leaving the partner who does
not have Asperger syndrome feeling unheard, frustrated, and very
angry. The reason for this is likely to be that the presence of
Asperger syndrome has not been recognized by either the couple or the
counselor. ... counselors are not psychologists, nor are they
psychiatrists... Nor are they qualified to make an official
diagnosis; they should, though, have enough knowledge about Asperger
syndrome to be able to refer or signpost the couple in the right
direction.
# Chapter 11
The fact that your partner has formed a long-term intimate
relationship with you is a very positive thing as it is likely to
mean that they are at the higher, more able end of the spectrum.
Many adults with Asperger syndrome never form such relationships.
You will have a strong advantage over your partner in the area of
social skills, interaction, and communication, and this may be even
more the case if your partner is male.
# Chapter 12
Ambiguity and Asperger syndrome do not mix. If these two ingredients
are put together, it can result in instant disaster. It is very
important to be precise, direct, and straight to the point...
Once a positive diagnosis has been received, you then know that your
partner is not being deliberately evasive or uncommunicative. It is
not because they do not want to understand what is being said; it is
much more likely that they simply do not understand it.
If they are given the correct help, support, and guidance and have
the motivation to learn, they can develop strategies to help them
cope and respond more appropriately in communication and social
situations.
The only type of intelligence affected by Asperger syndrome is social
intelligence.
... as an adult, they may be very sensitive to any form of
perceived ridicule or put-down, especially from you.
Communication strategies:
* Give complete messages with at least four forms of disclosure:
the facts, your thoughts, your feelings, and what it is you need.
[NVC!]
* Use "I" statements
* Rather than being reactive, respond with a question or complete
statement
* Do not assume that you know what your partner is thinking or that
they know what you are thinking. One way that your partner can be
helped to understand what is expected of them is to use a written
form of communication.
# Chapter 13
Tony Atwood strongly recommends that it is simpler for each partner
to write things down in letter or note form than to try and express
verbally what each is trying to say or ask. This idea has certainly
proved successful in my own experience of counselling couples when
one of the partners has Asperger syndrome.
An incentive will increase their motivation; which will produce a
change.
... it is likely that email or social media can be used to an even
better effect than letter writing, as many people with Asperger
syndrome enjoy spending time on the computer and internet.
The phone can also be more comfortable.
Talking with the lights turned down can also reduce the confusion of
mixed messages caused by misunderstanding nonverbal language and may
feel more intimate than writing a letter or sending an email.
Reflective listening. Practice exercises listening to neutral topics.
Deal with one subject at a time to avoid sensory overload for partner.
# Chapter 14
For men and women with Asperger syndrome, the fear of anger [being
directed at them by their partner] seems to be completely out of
proportion.
Positive channels for anger:
* sports, yoga, physical exertion
* faith, prayer, spirituality
* individual counseling
Respect, not abusive behavior.
For the majority of men and women with Asperger syndrome it appears
to be more likely that they will react to stress by shutting down,
not communicating, and keeping their distance from their partner.
Some non-Asperger partners struggle with this and make the mistake of
seeing it as a rejection. It is rarely a rejection, however; it is
rather their partner needing time out and space.
# Chapter 15
Communication has been highlighted as problematic in relationships
when one partner has Asperger syndrome, and as sex is also a form of
communication, it is no exception.
# Chapter 18
Special interests keeps aspies busy and out of trouble. These will
likely be solitary interests.
# Chapter 19
Routines. Adults with Asperger syndrome can be very dependable and,
if given something to do, as long as they want to do it, they will do
it no matter what. They will complete the job and it will be done to
perfection. It may take them a while--and you will have to be
patient as they will not take short-cuts or 'make do'--but the result
will be worth it.
# Chapter 20
If your Asperger partner is male, then he may have a highly developed
feminine side, and so will often appear to get on better with women
than men. Interestingly, I found this was also the case for the
women with the syndrome whom I contacted, but in reverse, as they
showed a preference for male friends.
Taking things literally... can make socializing a nightmare...
Likewise, not realizing that honesty is not always the best policy
when asked an opinion can cause problems. People with Asperger
syndrome will inevitably give a very honest answer, and sometimes
this will cause offense.
Another problem that was described by some of the men and women I
spoke to was their partner's difficulty in recognizing potentially
dangerous situations.
# Chapter 21
Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes.
Having a lack of empathy is one of the aspects of Asperger syndrome
that non-Asperger partners find hardest to deal with.
Most relationships depend on reciprocity to make them work--there has
to be give and take.
# Chapter 22
If someone with Asperger syndrome is capable of forming an intimate
relationship, they should also be capable of knowing that there are
some types of behavior that are totally unacceptable and
inappropriate.
author: Aston, Maxine C.
(HTM) detail: http://www.maxineaston.co.uk/
LOC: RC553.A88 A799
tags: book,health,non-fiction
title: The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome
# Tags
(DIR) book
(DIR) health
(DIR) non-fiction