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# 2018-10-01 - Transform Your Boundaries by Sarri Gilman
A friend recommended this book. It felt worth my while to read it.
# Chapter 2
The boundaries that you need for your decisions - your
relationships... come from inside... you have to figure it out from
inside of you.
# Chapter 4
Boundaries are made of Yes and No. Boundaries come from inside of
you. Before you can set boundaries in your life and with other
people, you need to be able to listen to this guidance from inside.
Learning to listen is a process and it requires constant attention to
stay aware of what is true for you. You can start by listening to
yourself once per day. This will start a brand new relationship with
yourself and it will take time to rebuild trust.
# Chapter 5
The whole purpose of our boundaries is to take care of us. Otherwise
we will pay a high price.
In fact, when we do not have our boundaries in the right place, when
we do not allow our boundaries to take care of us, we often get to a
point of exhaustion, depletion, and feeling used and taken for
granted by others.
# Chapter 6
It is normal to find self-care confusing and even impossible. It
takes a great amount of reflection, listening to our inner voice, and
learning about things that are nourishing to our mind, body, and
spirit. Some are specific to you. Others are good for everyone.
You need to watch, and observe yourself. Study yourself to recognize
what makes you feel good, what makes you feel great, what gives you
peace. Many more opportunities to improve your self-care are ahead
for you and for the first time in your life, you will recognize these
opportunities and you will dare to take them. Each time you do, you
will expand your self-care and you will feel better and better and
better.
Each person needs to create a daily self-care plan. This plan will
change as you get to know yourself better... you write out an actual
plan that you follow, the same way you follow other commitments you
put on your calendar. [Otherwise] it becomes harder to do.
# Chapter 7
Our bodies give us signals and symptoms when we ignore our self-care.
Resisting or ignoring our body signals has consequences for us. We
can become robotic about our tasks, our things we must do, and forget
about how we are feeling. Noticing numbness is a good way to tell
that we need to stop what we are doing, and do self-care.
Sometimes taking the steps to make a boundary happen can make us
afraid. It may mean other people may not get everything they want or
need or expect from us.
# Chapter 8
Establishing true self-care is required to do any boundary work in
your life. Self-care is a relationship with your soul. This is a
significant and sacred commitment, to listen to your self... Trust
between our own souls and ourselves is earned by our actions. We
have a hard time setting boundaries when we don't have a connection
to our own self. This connection to the self is necessary.
# Chapter 9
Do not look for the finish line with boundary work. It is about
staying present and healthy and focused on recognizing when you need
to set a boundary.
We have tendencies that we are drawn toward... our "first response"
doesn't ever fully extinguish. Learning to ignore the "first
response" will give more options when confronting problems. The
problems, the challenges to our boundaries will never go away. We
will simply be armed with a better way to respond that allows us to
take care of ourselves.
# Chapter 10
Our internal sense of Yes and No doesn't come with a plan. We have
to figure it out.
# Chapter 11
There is some risk involved in boundary work. Unbearable emotions
are part of it. This emotional distress is a signal that you are
doing something right. Yes and No are not emotions. Boundaries are
not emotions. Getting comfortable with the uncomfortable emotional
mess is critical to doing boundary work.
# Chapter 12
You are the only one who can give yourself permission to truly listen
to your Yes and No. The approval is never going to come externally
from other people.
We harshly dismiss our needs as unreasonable, too expensive, not
enough time, ridiculous, and selfish.
We take care of our emotions. Our boundaries take care of us.
# Chapter 13
You don't have control over how strong or how high you need to make
your boundary fence. Other people show you how high and how strong
they need it to be in order for them to recognize your boundary.
# Chapter 14
Things go better when you expect other people to struggle with your
boundary.
Usually when we sit down with people and discuss our boundary, we
learn interesting things about what other people are expecting or not
expecting. You can't fulfill everyone's expectations.
# Chapter 15
Part of setting a boundary is holding that boundary when pushed.
Addicts, alcoholics, people with mental health conditions, powerful
people, authoritative people, or wealthy people can be "extreme
challengers." These are pathological cases, different from setting
boundaries with all other people. They [extreme challengers] need to
hear your boundaries more often. Prepare to repeat yourself.
[In my circles i often hear of emotional vampires and toxic people.
I feel strong resistance to the very idea of demonizing people.
Perhaps a kernel of truth is addressed by the term "extreme
challengers." This behavior could be viewed as simply a learned
strategy to get needs met, one that has definite rewards and
drawbacks.]
# Chapter 16
The three basic skills to set boundaries are:
* Self awareness (Know your own Yes and No)
* Boundary awareness (Decide your boundary)
* Emotional awareness (Experience your feelings but don't move your
boundary because of them)
In an extreme challenge, we use three additional skills:
* Define your responsibilities. A therapist can help.
* Time boundaries, AKA time management
* Define your access boundaries.
# Chapter 17
An extreme boundary challenger will basically take everything you
have and suck you dry.
Do not ever ignore your own resentment. It is the healthy part of
you trying to get you to pay attention and act differently.
Resentment is not about them; it is about you. Resentment is an
indication that you are not taking care of you[rself].
# Chapter 18
Trauma and stress will weaken your boundaries. Expect this and limit
your exposure to challenges during stressful times.
# Chapter 19
Extreme challenges can't always be prevented or avoided. The first
thing we need to do is ask lots of questions about whether or not we
are outside of our boundary of responsibility. We are vulnerable to
depression when we are not caring for ourselves. Self-care is a
large territory and it can be many things. If you are not sure how
to cope with all the feelings that rise up inside, talking with a
therapist can be helpful. When you really begin to dig your self out
and establish a real connection with yourself, it doesn't always feel
good.
author: Gilman, Sarri
(HTM) detail: https://www.sarrigilman.com/
tags: book,non-fiction,self-help
title: Transform Your Boundaries
# Tags
(DIR) book
(DIR) non-fiction
(DIR) self-help