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# 2019-02-11 - How To Communicate Like A Buddhist by Cynthia Kane
# Intro
When i finally took notice of my communication style, i realized none
of it was actually mine! This book came out of my own need to
redefine my communication style. When i looked closely, i saw that
my default methods of communication led me to interact with others in
a way that was completely out of step with what i really wanted. The
Buddhist four elements of right speech, or four rules of
communication, and over the last five years i have modernized and
melded them with other forms of mindful, nonviolent, and what i call
self-responsible communication to create a working practice.
# Chapter 1, What's Your Communication Style?
Right Speech:
* tell the truth
* don't exaggerate
* don't gossip
* use helpful language
Three Questions: Is what i am about to say:
* true
* kind
* helpful?
... my experience is that very few people are able to give up
speaking untruths altogether. But if we can become mindful of when,
where, and most importantly why we lie, we have taken the first step
toward eliminating or at least minimizing them from our
communications.
Here are some ways you can prevent exaggeration from your
communications:
* Pay attention to words that overemphasize the negative or
positive of a situation.
* Pay attention to your reactions. Are they over the top? Is it
all about you?
* Check whether you are feeling "better than" or "less than"
whomever you are with, remembering that in reality this isn't
possible.
Litmus test for gossip: What if the person i'm talking about heard me?
Before you share information from someone else, ask yourself:
* Is this your information to share?
* If you do share this information, who are you helping?
* Why do you want to share it?
* If that someone else knew you were sharing it, how would they
feel?
* If a child overheard, what would they learn?
* Is what you are about to say disrespecting someone else?
Helpful language:
* Choose words that express ourselves in such a way that others
don't feel attacked or criticized.
* Make a conscious decision to be kind in your responses rather
than reactionary.
To accomplish right speech, you need to:
* Listen to yourself
* Listen to others
* Speak consciously, concisely, and clearly
* Use the language of silence
* Meditate
# Chapter 2, Mindful Listening
How to listen to yourself:
* Pay attention to your words and speech
* Pay attention to your feelings
* See yourself with friendly eyes
## Communication habits:
Complainer
Instead of saying: The food was good, but the restaurant was too
loud. Say something like: The food was good and the restaurant was
loud.
Apologizer
Consider whether you actually feel apologetic before saying you are
sorry. Would "excuse me," "pardon me," or nothing at all work better?
* Should -- I could do X, and i am choosing to do ...
* I am -- Rather than: I am angry, Try: I have anger, Or: I am
feeling angry
* Always / Never -- Try: Up until now / Right now
Many psychologists identify the stories we tell ourselves as the
basis for our limiting beliefs. The process begins with seeing them
for what they are: stories.
When facing a negative self story, say to yourself:
* I don't have to believe this story.
* This story isn't true.
* This story isn't mine.
* This isn't the story i want to tell.
Feel the difference in your emotional state after you tell yourself
these things. Then ask yourself:
* What am i feeling when i believe this story?
* What is the pain i feel?
* What is the fear behind it?
* How am i hurting?
Identifying, naming, and exposing our fears to the light of day
begins to take away their power, because they are no longer
unconsciously defining us.
Then comfort yourself and say:
* You're OK.
* You're good.
* You're safe in this moment.
* I believe in you.
Do this until calmed. Then ask:
* What can i do to make myself feel better?
* How can i be kind to myself in this moment?
* Through all this turbulence, how can i even out?
* What do i need in this moment?
* What do i want in this moment?
This is the path to changing your internal communication style. Once
you are no longer trapped by your own self-deprecating stories, you
are better able to have conversations with others that are open,
honest, and come with no agenda.
Process for noticing how we speak to others:
* I am experiencing a stressful situation.
* I choose not to get stuck in it.
* I focus on the present moment. The feeling i feel.
* I'm OK. I'm good. I believe in me.
* When was the first time i felt this feeling? Could it be a past
trauma?
* See yourself with compassion.
* How can i make myself feel better? How can i make this
interaction helpful?
One of the most important pieces in transforming your communication
from reactive to responsive is to simply pause before speaking. Why?
Because that is where you get the opportunity to reflect on how you
are feeling in the present moment, see yourself and others with
compassion, and in so doing, you are far more likely to move away
from reacting in the same old way.
... I'd like to advocate the idea that you can pause a conversation
as well. For example, let's say you are in a conversation and you
get caught somewhere between these steps--you've identified your
feelings but can't get to a place of compassion. I suggest saying
something like "I really want to discuss this, but i think things are
a bit confusing and complicated for me right now. I need some time
to think about this and get back to you."
One often overlooked tool that can help us communicate more
effectively is humor, which, much like the pause, can help defuse
tension in a stressful situation.
# Chapter 3, Listen To Others
Four steps:
* Be present
* See things from the other person's point of view.
* Learn to accept what's true.
* Ask yourself if there is a way you can help.
How to be a present listener:
* Before a conversation, de-clutter your headspace.
* During a conversation, notice the moment you're in.
Three techniques to de-clutter your headspace:
* conscious breathing
* gratitude practice
* write it down
Notice when your attention has drifted to the past, future, what
you're going to say next, etc. Acknowledge that to yourself without
judgment and bring your attention back into the present interaction.
Being present in a conversation looks like the following process.
* Focused attention
* Thought. Distraction.
* Note without judgment; I'm not listening. I need to start again.
* Refocused attention -> loop back to step 1
By drifting and refocusing, we're constantly coming back to the
present moment again and again, keeping us tied to the conversation
we're in and aware of its needs.
How to see from another person's perspective:
* Shift your focus from "I" to "We."
* Think of the other person's unique experiences.
* Ask, How can i see this situation differently?
To see from another person's perspective we must see them as an
equal. Enter a conversation viewing everyone involved as deserving
of love and support.
When you feel yourself reacting strongly to criticism, it's a good
indication that the criticism is true--at least on some level. The
practice of listening to others invites us to look within, and accept
any truth that we find. Constructive feedback is actually a gift,
some piece of information about yourself that you have hitherto been
unable to see, but you have to make yourself willing and available to
see it.
Even when we aren't quite sure we can see the truth in it, it's often
best to reply with something like, "I recognize your point of view.
I think i need to take some time to think about what you have said."
How can i be helpful to others?
* Pay attention to their feelings.
* Respond with care.
* Be there for them.
When you're with someone who is upset, notice whether they are
identifying their feelings or focusing exclusively on a story. If
it's the latter, ask how they are feeling in that moment. This helps
them move closer to healing what's happening inside. When someone
asks you for feedback, a good rule of thumb is to "share your
experience" rather than give advice.
Being there means caring about others and wanting the best for them.
Being there for someone is a form of communication that is beyond
words. To be there is to accept the other person in all their joy
and pain. Through the act of really listening, you are sending the
message of "I'm here for you. You are not alone."
Three practical ways to show your support for someone in a
conversation:
* Let the other person speak without any interruptions. (The
average person listens for only 17 seconds before interrupting.)
* Make eye contact.
* Give feedback or share experiences only if it's requested.
Additional tools:
* Put your phone down.
* Ask yourself questions during the conversation:
- What does this person need?
- How can i help this person suffer less?
- How can i be there for them?
- Am i judging the person i'm with?
- Do i think i know what they will say next?
- Am i getting lost in thought?
* If you know you won't be able to give someone your full
attention, let them know that this isn't a great time to talk and
ask if you can reschedule.
* You can be agreeable without agreeing with everything a person
says.
* Show you're taking what they're saying to heart. Ex:
- I can imagine you might have felt...
- I can see you're feeling...
# Chapter 4, Speak Consciously, Concisely, and Clearly
If we start to pay conscious attention to our word choice before we
speak, then we can choose wisely before it's too late. The first
step to conscious speech involves slowing the communication down.
Discerning what is worth a response and what is worthy of a simple
acknowledgment instead means we have to change the rhythm of the
conversation. We can slow the beats of the conversation by drawing
out the space between our thoughts and words.
Before we speak:
* pause
* breathe
* Internal question (Is what i have to say true, kind, and helpful?)
The next step toward conscious speech is to know what is and isn't
your responsibility within a conversation. You are in control of
your speech. You are not in control of other's interpretations and
reactions. As a listener, you are in control of your own
interpretations and reactions.
What i have learned is that if someone is having a bad day or a
difficult time, there is nothing wrong with trying to make that
person feel better, as long as you remember that ultimately it's up
to them to have the self-awareness to see what the trouble is and
then decide what needs to happen in order to feel better. It's the
other person's responsibility to learn how to alleviate their own
pain. We can acknowledge the pain, be there for the pain, listen to
the pain, but it's not our pain to resolve, nor is it within our
power to do so.
Before you go to your next meeting or important conversation, ask the
following questions:
* What is your intention or goal for the conversation?
* What points do you want to get to across?
* What do you want to know or learn from the other person/people?
By writing this down you can more easily stay focused on having
productive, healthy dialogue.
Our responsibility in a conversation both as a speaker and a listener
is your:
* words
* actions
* reactions
* thoughts
* feelings
* silence
The fewer words we use, the more likely we are to choose them
consciously. The more we pare down our words, the more expressive we
can actually be. Filtering our words through the four elements of
right speech makes it easier for us to reign them in. Using fewer
words helps to avoid distraction and helps our listener to understand
and respond to us.
Vague language creates ambiguity in conversation, which can lead to
difficulties later that could have been avoided. Be more clear by
saying what you mean, asking for what you need, and being specific.
# Chapter 5, Use the Language of Silence
Notice silence--how you're using it, what the feeling is behind
it--and see things from the other person's perspective with loving
eyes. Use gaps when speaking to include others in the conversation,
turning the conversation away from I to we. Take time to think about
your interactions to make sure they are kind, honest, and helpful.
# Chapter 6, Meditation
Mindful silence is sitting for five, ten, twenty minutes or more, in
silence with a focused attention. Noticing our thoughts and
feelings, but not attaching to them; simply accepting them and then
letting go to come back to the focus of our attention, which can be
our breath, our body, a mantra, etc. Mindful silence in this context
is meditation.
Meditation helps us accept what is happening in the moment. This
allows us to be more open and compassionate with others, and to see
situations and circumstances more clearly; but it is not a
one-time-only kind of deal. Meditation is never accomplished,
finished, or mastered. It is a practice that, when cultivated,
reminds us that at any point in our communications we can refocus,
come back to our breath, and start again.
* Metta - Loving Kindness Meditation, use to enhance
self-compassion.
* Vipassana - use to implement honesty.
* Tonglen - use to see things from another person's perspective.
* Meditation to detach from a story line.
* Meditation to balance or re-balance communication.
Meditation to detach from a story line:
Assume your meditation posture and close your eyes. Inhale and
exhale to center yourself. Think of the stories you've been
gathering. What have you been obsessing over or talking about with
others again and again? See the story and invite the feeling behind
it. Ask yourself, What do i feel? What am i really feeling right
now? How do i feel hurt? Once you conjure these emotions, put your
hand on your heart and say "I see you." Say it as many times as you
need to. "I see you. I know you're hurting. I'm here for you."
Continue to comfort yourself in the meditation for several minutes.
When i've reacted to someone or said something that wasn't in line
with the elements of right speech, instead of getting stuck in the
shame cycle, making myself feel worse, i detach from my own judgment
by asking for forgiveness and forgiving myself. I close my eyes and
focus on what i have done to cause someone else harm. I see the pain
i've caused and i say, "Please forgive me for my reaction. I see
you're upset by my reaction. Please forgive me." Then i turn the
words on myself. I forgive you for your reaction. I forgive you for
your reaction...
Meditation to balance or re-balance communication:
Focus on vishudda (throat) chakra and using seed sound Hum.
author: Kane, Cynthia
(HTM) detail: https://www.hierophantpublishing.com/how-to-communicate-like-a-buddhist-by-cynthia-kane/
ISBN: 978-1938289514
tags: book,buddhist,non-fiction,self-help,spirit
title: How To Communicate Like A Buddhist
# Tags
(DIR) book
(DIR) buddhist
(DIR) non-fiction
(DIR) self-help
(DIR) spirit