(TXT) View source
# 2019-10-18 - The Resilience Breakthrough by Christian Moore
# The Resilience Breakthrough by Christian Moore
I felt pretty reactive while i read this book. I know that it is
polite to hear someone out before responding, and to respect the
effort put into creating a work such as this book. However, i will
include some of my reactions here to keep it real. My own words i
will enclose in [square brackets].
# Introduction
[When i listen to or read typical narratives about resilience, i hear
the same kind of self-congratulatory pap that is popular in TED
talks. I hear people talk about how hard they had to work to
overcome their difficulties or disabilities. They almost seem to be
addicted to intensity. They sound smarmy as though they know better
than others how to live life. I don't want to work that hard, and i
don't want to adopt an attitude of superiority.]
She makes the distinction between a *fixed mindset*--which is when
you believe you're stuck with what you're born with; that you only
have a certain amount of intelligence and character--and the *growth
mindset*, the belief that your basic qualities are things you can
cultivate through your efforts. ... you have a growth mindset when
you have a "passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even
(or especially) when it's not going well.
[This sounds akin to the capitalist myth of limitless growth.]
The ability to show up, to keep going, or even to just continue to go
through the motions while you're dealing with failure, depression,
anxiety, hopelessness, addiction, legal problems, an abusive spouse,
unemployment, a terminal illness--the list of struggles that are part
of the human condition is endless--creates dignity. It creates
self-respect. There is an honor in pressing through even the worst
of circumstances.
[And sometimes it just makes you feel like a sucker!]
# Chapter 1, Flipping the switch
Method:
* Combat denial and acknowledge that there is a problem. Realize
the reality of your pain from where you're standing.
* Ask yourself: How can i use this emotional pain, challenge, or
situation to better my circumstances and make me more
resilient--today, this hour, this minute, this second?
* Do the opposite of what people would normally do in a similar
situation.
* Pay attention to how you feel inside when you decide to do this.
You're likely to feel more energized, hopeful, and motivated.
This isn't a one-time event. You have to constantly do it.
# Chapter 2, Finally! Where resilience comes from!
* Street resilience. Fighting spirit. Will to survive.
* Resource resilience. Gathering resources and being resourceful.
* Relationship resilience. Being in it together in a supportive
way.
* Rock bottom resilience.
# Chapter 3, What is relational resilience?
When others are depending on you, you do what it takes to find
strength you didn't even know you had. Even when you really, really
want to, you simply don't give in, or give up. This is one important
aspect of relational resilience.
Relationships have been the source of my greatest pain and greatest
joy. Relationships amplify life's experiences. Nothing compares to
meeting others' emotional needs and having your own emotional needs
met. It's the greatest rush you'll have in life.
When someone needs me and i need them, this is real wealth. This is
the highest level of fulfillment--and the only way to long-lasting
resilience.
# Chapter 4, Surrender the one-up
Many relationships have a natural hierarchy--boss and employee,
parent and child, teacher and student. But even when the ranking
isn't so obvious, we tend to rank ourselves in relationship to the
other person. The most powerful interpersonal tool i know is
something i term "surrendering the one-up relationship." This means
that when i have power or influence over another person, i use that
advantage to their best interest. That person goes from feeling
inferior to feeling equal. This is the opposite of what we are
socialized to do.
# Chapter 5, Engage emotionally
The truth is that all relationships--even the healthiest--are subject
to entropy, the tendency of everything in life to deteriorate into
chaos. Friends and especially family require constant attention.
All significant relationships dissolve without attention, effort, and
care. Emotional intimacy is a mutual understanding of each other's
life experiences, strengths, weaknesses, mistakes, fears, hopes, and
vulnerabilities. This means there has been adequate time invested, a
shared understanding and real connection, caring, safety, and trust.
It's a mutual desire to renew and build the relationship, and there
is safety to express how you really feel.
One of my first defenses, when i feel threatened at all, is to
emotionally disengage. I pull back and the walls go up. But when i
do this, i am not only hurting those around me who care about me; i
am hurting myself. When we're constantly turning toward the others
in our lives, we build rich relationships that keep us strong and
resilient.
# Chapter 6, Friendship, don't take it for granted
A true friend is someone who shows an increase of love when you're at
your lowest. At your lowest, ugliest point, there will be very few
people who are willing to increase their love for you. Especially
when you are in a place where you are not meeting their needs. True
friendship is unconditional.
[All friendship is conditional. All people have limits. All life is
conditional. There is no such thing as a completely true friendship,
but the upside is that there is no such thing as a completely false
friendship either. That gives us wiggle room to work with.]
# Chapter 7, Turn outward
When you're disconnected from others, you'll likely turn inward. One
of the best ways to feel connected with other human beings is to turn
outward and serve in the moment.
[Some of us have introverted personalities and we *need* to turn
inward to recharge. Some of us have genetic mutations that affect
how receptive our bodies are to oxytocin. The generalizations made
in this book are just that: generalizations. Reality is more
complex.]
Selfishness is a powerful destroyer of relationships.
# Chapter 8, Put down that device!
# Chapter 9, Drop the facade
I have used this strategy of acting like everything is fine as a
defense mechanism to keep people at a distance from me. There are
times when i don't let people get close or help me because of my
pride. This kills opportunities to create real connection or to help
people grow closer to me. When life is at its most difficult is when
relationships show what they're made of, and they will usually either
become stronger or they will break. ... It's when things aren't
perfect that you find out who you really emotionally connect with.
[We all have facades, or ways that we present ourselves that are more
socially acceptable than our initial impulses. Some people have the
attitude that if we removed our facades, then what would remain would
be a more authentic self. I have a different attitude. While i
agree that we are more than just facades, i disagree that we can be
our authentic self without them. We have many facades, layers,
roles, and such. They are all natural parts of our complex being.
If we stripped them all away then there would be scarcely enough left
to call a self. Rather, our authentic self arises out of our
complexity. That said, we do have agency, or the choice between
possible ways to present ourselves. Some of those ways will sit more
easily with us than others. I don't mean the easy path of least
resistance. I mean standing in front of the figurative or literal
mirror, being able to look yourself in the eye, and completely accept
all of yourself. That is our most authentic self.]
# Chapter 10, Connection with something bigger than you
Regardless of your spiritual or religious practices, connecting with
a higher power is a vital facet of relational resilience.
Even if you don't believe in anything else, believe in these:
* Connection
* Options
* Hope
* Resilience
These four things will lead you to something bigger than you.
# Chapter 11, What is street resilience?
I call it "street" resilience because life on the streets is raw. On
the streets, you're alone. You lack resources and support, and you
have to fight for your basic needs. You have to use your mistakes as
a reason to rise above.
Street resilience is channeling your emotions--guiding then,
directing them, and using them for a productive purpose, instead of
letting your emotions use you.
Unfortunately, all of us--young or old, rich or poor--will experience
some form of disrespect, discrimination, and regret throughout our
lives. It's therefore extremely important that you have street
resilience in your toolbox at all times.
# Chapter 12, Get the whole picture
Ask yourself: Is it possible that i don't have all the information
about this? Is there a chance that i am not understanding the other
point of view? Because, chances are, you don't. So how do we get
the whole picture? ... Look for other points of view that are
different from your own, and seek to increase your exposure to other
opinions and ways of living.
Exposure alone doesn't guarantee understanding. Rather, exposure
while seeking to get the whole-picture view is what leads to insight
and expanded perception.
# Chapter 13, Channel pain into a cause
Seek to find a positive, proactive outlet that enables us to
transform hurt into action. Latch onto something that excites or
moves you.
# Chapter 14, Reframe your limitations as potential strengths
"Great! You got ADHD! We live in a very fast-paced society, and
people would love to have your kind of energy!"
Regarding PTSD: Being constantly hypervigilant about a gun pointed at
you during wartime may be necessary for survival, but it is a hard
way to live. Being hypervigilant about your romantic relationship
can be healing.
# Chapter 15, Focus on what you did right today
Each night, ask yourself these questions:
* What did i do right today?
* How can i do more of that tomorrow?
* Imagine that while you're asleep tonight, a miracle occurs and
your problem suddenly doesn't exist. Now, you're waking up
tomorrow, not knowing that the miracle happened yet--what would be
the first signs that the problem is gone?
# Chapter 16, Look fear in the eye
It's hard to look fear in the eye and continue to move forward and
not let it stop you, but it's like lifting weights: You get stronger
with every repetition or exposure. It's not fun in the middle of the
workout, but the results can be great! Strategically handling your
exposure to fear is more likely to create success.
Six big fears that are most prevalent and have the most impact on
resilience:
* Failure
* Embarrassment
* Death or Loss
* Rejection
* Loneliness
* Pain
The majority of what i worry about is wasted energy. It would be
much more productive to focus on what is really happening right in
front of me, not the anxieties in my head.
Unconditional love counterbalances fear. Love is the sharpest sword
you can use to slay the fear monster.
# Chapter 17, What is resource resilience?
When you have resource resilience, you recognize that your resilience
can be increased by tapping into the resources you currently possess
or could potentially possess.
# Chapter 18, Cultivate a worthy mindset
It takes deliberate effort to focus on the positive. To do this,
remind yourself of some truths about the human condition. I'm worthy
because:
* I'm part of the human family.
* I'm no different from anyone else. I have a heart, a mind, and
emotions, the same as everyone else, and we're all deserving.
* I have the same needs that other people have.
* I've done all that i could. I tried my best.
* If i access this resource, i can use it to do good and to help
other people.
# Chapter 19, Tap into the power of people
We are all surrounded by an almost limitless resource--other people.
... even if you're not an especially outgoing person, you can access
resource resilience by turning to the people in your life for
support. I'm not advising you to manipulate others into doing things
for you.
If you want to become good at something, or if you want to develop a
certain skill or character trait, surround yourself with people who
are already the way you want to be.
# Chapter 20, Action, action, action!
Taking action generates more resources than simply thinking or
planning. There is power in preparation and goal setting, but it's a
place we can get stuck. Taking action works especially well during
stressful times.
# Chapter 21, Fight resignation with spontaneity
If you can find ways to be spontaneous and find the fun (even when
there seems to be absolutely no fun around), everything becomes a bit
more doable.
# Chapter 22, Wrestle complacency to the ground
Complacency is the enemy of resilience. The minute you say, "I'm
satisfied," and sit back or take it easy, resources will run from
you. Complacency sneaks up on you. It's inconspicuous and may seem
harmless, but has hurtful effects. To fight complacency, and to
access all the resources available to us, we must seem to educate and
improve ourselves constantly.
None of us is entitled to anything. If we believe everything should
simply be handed to us, we're not going to be out there seeking and
striving--and our resilience will drop.
[Striving isn't all it's cracked up to be. Especially when it is
externally imposed. Not all of us want to be on the capitalist
rat-race treadmill.]
Learning is a great way to fight complacency; in fact, it's the
antithesis of complacency. You always have the opportunity to learn.
[Hear hear!!!]
# Chapter 23, Get some production therapy
One of the best ways to increase resilience that i know of is to get
and stay productive. It's impossible to be productive and stagnant
at the same time. In a productive state, we're contributors rather
than consumers. ... It doesn't have to necessarily be work as in a
job. It could be ... essentially, anything that produces something
positive. When you're producing, you have a sense of accomplishment.
You also experience flow--the feeling of being "in the zone."
# Chapter 24, Don't accept no
Each time you get a no, potential resources are being pulled away
from you. But when you stand up to the word no, more resources show
up. Thus, when you fight past a no and get a yes, you're giving
yourself the resilience edge.
[While this resonates with my life experience, i also know that this
sounds super annoying. One principle of consent is that "no means
no." The workplace has parallels to dating, and nobody likes a pushy
date.]
When i am working hard to turn a no into a yes in order to access
resources, it is my job to understand the reason i'm being told no.
The ability to hear no and walk away and not argue is also a trait of
the resilient.
Four tips to turn a yes into a no [sic]:
* Always remember, people feel better inside when they say yes.
* Reevaluate whether you need their yes to proceed.
* Use humor wherever possible.
* Make sure your mission and motives are truly in the best
interests of others.
[5. Focus on what you *can* do, rather than what you can't do.]
# Chapter 25, What is rock-bottom resilience?
To me, rock bottom is when you feel you don't have the motivation to
continue to try or go on in life. You lost the desire to fight on or
to put effort into daily challenges and tasks.
Absolute rock bottom is the lowest point of your life.
Emotional rock bottom is when you're simply burned out.
# Chapter 26, Radically accept your circumstance
Denial is a terrific way to spiral down, fast, to rock bottom--and to
stay there.
Radical acceptance: accept life as it is, not as we think it is
supposed to be. It transforms suffering into normal pain.
There are three parts to this wholehearted embrace of reality.
Accept:
* That our reality is what it is.
* That a painful event or situation has a cause.
* That life can be worth living even with painful events in it.
Acceptance does not equal approval. If you want to change something,
you have to accept it first. Acceptance followed by action is how
you make effective changes in your life.
We must practice every day. We won't get perfect at it.
# Chapter 27, Don't make things worse
If you want to be resilient, even at rock bottom, your first job is
damage control--making sure you don't get into the crisis any deeper.
The experiments that prove venting to be unhealthy shocked the
scientific community, who expected opposite results. But it's true:
Using [displacement] turns out to be a misguided attempt at damage
control. In our effort to cope with the damage, we tell ourselves
that if we just take out all our [so-called] negative emotions on
something "safe", we'll feel better. In reality, we're just digging
ourselves deeper.
[Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronsen, Mistakes Were Made (But Not By Me):
Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts
(Orlando, FL: Harcourt, 2007).]
However, suppressing anger or pushing things under the rug isn't the
healthiest tactic either. Once we've ensured that we're not making
things worse, we can get on the path to making them better by being
honest and communicative.
* Tell the truth about problems and frustrations, but keep our
voices measured and calm.
* Use short 7-12 word sentences that state the problem and begin
with "I".
This dials down the overall volume and emotion in the room, and
allows us to initiate damage control in a difficult situation.
# Chapter 28, Go for a small win
Sometimes all it takes is one tiny, seemingly insignificant victory
to create some momentum and hope. "a series of controllable
opportunities of modest size that produce visible results."
# Chapter 29, Fix a broken window
The broken-window theory means that if an environment is well-kept
(the broken windows are quickly repaired), it is perceived to be
inviting and safe. Even the appearance of a safe and tidy
neighborhood helps to eliminate crime. Likewise, if there are areas
of our life that are in chaos, then i am well served to try and get
them under control and in better order. If you allow the disarray in
your life to remain, it affects not only others' perceptions of you,
but also, inevitably, how you feel about yourself.
# Chapter 30, Tear off labels
The words we hear other people say as they label us can become the
words we believe and the characteristics we live up to. It can be
life-changing to break free of these labels and feel powerful enough
to give ourselves labels of our own choosing.
# Chapter 31, Discover the power of a future promise
Finding something to look forward to, something that can give you a
vision or the incentive to keep going, can make all the difference
during a rock-bottom time in your life.
# Chapter 32, Be illogical
When your back's against the wall and you see no hope, when you don't
see any logical options, there's always one other option--the
illogical one.
# Chapter 33, Forgive--it's the only option
Forgiveness is absolutely essential if you have any desire at all to
get out, and stay out, of rock bottom. Chances are we will have
frequent opportunities to practice forgiving each other. The next
time you feel offended or hurt, question your assumption about the
other person's intent. Is it possible they truly meant no harm? This
may make it easier to forgive.
Two skills especially helpful with forgiveness:
* Create scenarios. Speculate on the reasons for another's actions.
* Write it down. Write a letter to help you think and filter as
you confront someone. Or write a letter of apology if you're the
offender.
# Chapter 34, Conclusion: Self-grace: the final key to resilience
self-grace: a recognition of the human condition. Instead of fearing
failure, embrace the idea that it's inevitable, and you're completely
prepared to forgive yourself when failure does happen. Put failure
in perspective so that when you fail, you can move on to a better use
of energy and time. Completely let go of the failure.
Seven things that make self-grace easier:
* Maintain a sense of humor.
* Have understanding and compassion for others.
* Accept the reality of being human.
* Start where i'm standing and move forward.
* Find positive channels for my weaknesses.
* Avoid comparing myself to others.
* Continue to use the four sources of resilience.
author: Moore, Christian
(HTM) detail: https://resiliencebreakthrough.com/
ISBN: 978-1-6263-4093-0
tags: book,non-fiction,self-help
title: The Resilience Breakthrough
# Tags
(DIR) book
(DIR) non-fiction
(DIR) self-help