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# 2019-11-19 - Turn Enemies Into Allies by Judy Ringer
Self-reflecting it occurred to me that i have not handled conflict
well throughout my career. The best i can say is that i have
successfully acted as a mediator or diplomat to help resolve conflict
between other team members. Somehow it seems easier to work with
conflicts that are not my own.
Anyhow, this self-reflection left me with new desire to improve my
own communication and conflict skills. Toward that purpose, i bought
a copy of Turn Enemies Into Allies by Judy Ringer.
I appreciated the clarity and organization of this book. At times i
felt challenged by the perspective. This book was written for
managers, not for employees nor the self-employed.
I also felt challenged by the notion of a fixed versus growth
mindset. As i noted in my review of The Resilience Breakthrough, the
term "growth mindset" seems to pander to the capitalist ideology of
unlimited growth. In truth we do have personal limitations, the
planet has resource limitations, and we are born with some of our
tendencies and character traits. To ignore this is a form of denial
and it invites internal conflict and unnecessary suffering.
Having known someone who has a lot of experience with professional
conflict resolution, i could recognize the author's expertise. I
really appreciate the clarity of writing, the attention to detail,
and the purely benevolent and positive attitude of the writing.
This book has given me ample food for thought and i feel certain that
it will benefit me in the future. My notes continue below.
# Intro
This book is a guide for managing and resolving conflict in the
workplace. It is also a guide for managing conflict in all areas of
life.
This book is a precise and practical guide for catching employee
conflict before it escalates and coaching the parties to resolution.
This guide offers a deliberate and methodical way of working with
employees in conflict...
Akido is first and foremost a martial art. It has roots in judo and
jujitsu, and yet is quite different in that the goal is not to block
a strike, win a contest, or otherwise prevail over an opponent.
The word akido is often translated as "the way of blending or
harmonizing with energy" or more simply "the Art of Peace." Akido
principles such as entering--moving off the line of attack and into a
partnering relationship with the attacker--create alignment with the
incoming energy, or ki.
Another principle is blending. When you enter and align with the
incoming energy, you can blend with it--add your energy to it. Next
is redirecting the energy such that both the attacker and receiver
remain unharmed.
In akido, an attack is reframed as power that can be developed and
guided. What would normally be understood as an act of aggression is
instead seen as an energy to be utilized... changing the dynamic from
resistance to connection.
# Chapter 1, Work on yourself alone
Working on yourself is ongoing, foundational, and critical to
maintaining the presence, power, and purpose required of you as you
help your employees regain balance and centered presence with each
other.
Especially in situations with a lot of history and high emotion,
before you can successfully guide others through a conflict, you must
first examine your own attitude, emotions, and beliefs around what is
possible and understand what your role is in bringing out those
possibilities.
As you work on yourself alone, there are three nonverbal qualities
you bring with you at every phase of the process: 1. Your centered
presence 2. Your personal power 3. Your clarity of purpose
When you feel you've lost your way, let these qualities bring you
back to where you need to be.
Call it what you will--self-control, composure, mindfulness--your
ability to manage *you* is where it all begins.
The more intentional you can be with your energy, the more influence
you will have in the outcome of events.
Your primary job is to believe with confidence that the outcome is
not predetermined, and that the conflict is actually potential energy
you and your employees can harness toward a positive result. This is
where your power lies. If you don't have this positive mindset, you
must reexamine your purpose and work on yourself to find the mindset
you need. Or, alternatively, you can call on another party to manage
the intervention.
As you move toward intervention, consider your purpose for doing so.
What do you really want for yourself, the parties involved, and the
organization? What is your highest and best purpose? Continually
clarify your purpose, and keep it at the forefront of each session
you conduct.
Bringing the three qualities of centered presence, personal power,
and clarify of purpose to a conflict situation is easier said than
done. Below are helpful practices and attitudes.
## 1. Reframing
Things change dramatically when we reframe an attack as incoming
energy that can be guided toward a mutually supportive outcome.
A conflict is an opportunity for both parties:
* To change their relationship for the better.
* To learn valuable work and life skills.
* To see each other's positive aspects.
* To step into leadership roles and model conflict competency in
the organization.
* To solve problems together using differences as assets.
## 2. Possibility
What possibilities exist for each party? How would the resolution
affect the larger team and organization? It's the coach's role to
help everyone see how a positive outcome liberates untapped
potential--for the parties in the conflict and for others. Whenever
possible, document hidden or indirect costs that are likely to
improve when the conflict is resolved.
## 3. Non-Judgment
As human beings, we are practiced at forming judgments about
everything, and we're usually unaware we're doing it.
When you coach, if at any point you start to draw conclusions about
which party is right and which is wrong, it becomes difficult to do
your job effectively. If you judge one of the parties as the
problem, it will be hard for you to see their positive intent. And
you may miss constructive actions or recast neutral behaviors in
unhelpful ways.
## 4. Curiosity and Inquiry
More than anything else, a mindset of curiosity and inquiry empowers
you and keeps your conversations safe and on track. I ask open-ended
questions, such as:
* How did you feel when that happened?
* What were you hoping for?
* What do you think your coworker's intention was?
* What was your intention?
## 5. Appreciation
Appreciative Inquiry maximizes the power of noticing what is already
working rather than focusing on what is broken. Practitioners have
learned that as soon as you align with the positive, you gain energy
and move toward a compelling future.
Below are detrimental practices and attitudes:
1. This is not my job.
If you don't feel ready to lead in this way, consider calling in
someone else you believe is right for the job.
2. I don't have the skills to do this.
If so, this is a great opportunity for you to learn.
3. This will take too much time.
Not as much as you will lose in productivity and goodwill.
4. They should just rise above it.
If they could, they would.
5. What's wrong with these people?
Ask instead:
* What do they need to help them through this?
* What are they blind to?
* How can i help them see what they're missing?
6. They're mean, disrespectful, and hurtful.
They're unskilled. When you reframe negative intent as a need for
skill-building, you shift from judge to coach.
# Chapter 2, Align and engage
As a coach, it's important to curb your well-intentioned impulse to
solve the problem.
One of the simplest ways to practice alignment is to listen with
interest to people's stories.
Chapter 2 is an overview of how to approach all the individual
sessions, regardless of how many sessions are required. The primary
purpose of chapter 2 is to equip you with tools to hear and validate
each party's distinct narrative of the conflict.
Prep:
* Know the purpose and desired outcome for each session.
* Review your notes.
* Enter with optimism for a positive outcome.
Agenda:
* Ask for any new developments since the last session.
* Discuss ways to prepare for the next session and set a date.
* Take notes; send them in a follow-up email after each session.
* Assign homework.
Homework:
To fully engage the parties in the process, i've found it helpful to
give homework assignments that reinforce the focus of each session
and prepare them for the next. The point is to support the parties
and their process in as many ways as possible, and to maintain
momentum between sessions.
This is one of the most difficult things to do in conflict--to hear
and acknowledge your conflict partner's story. I do this for the
parties until they can do it for each other.
Meeting with each person individually for one or more sessions
reduces defensiveness and increases the possibilities for
resolution...
Your primary task throughout the individual session is to ask
questions, acknowledge each person's positive intent, and redirect
what you hear toward sustainable resolution.
I also practice being comfortable with silence and try to stop myself
from jumping in too quickly. I wait for a few beats even after i
hear an answer in case the person has more to say.
It's also important to notice and challenge your assumptions. It's
important to be truly and genuinely interested in everything about
the person and their story, which creates feelings of safety,
openness, and calm.
A key insight for me was realizing i could be transparent with the
process, and let participants know that my job in these individual
sessions is to be on their side and on their partner's side.
Introducing this idea helps each party see that the situation has
more than one facet.
Listen and acknowledge, simple but not easy
Don't:
* Debate
* Try to solve the problem
Do:
* Stay curious
* Ask open, honest questions
* Validate
* Look for what they're not saying
The overarching purpose for the individual sessions is to build the
parties' skills, confidence, and openness to ultimately resolve the
conflict in join sessions. You want to create openings for the
parties to see the conflict from a wider perspective and reposition
themselves as partners in creating the solution.
# Chapter 3, Measure willingness and ability
In the first individual session, in which you meet with each person
for the first time, your purpose is to discuss whether the parties
have the ability to change and are willing to commit to the process
you will describe to them. Specifically, you are seeking to
determine if they will try to understand the other's point of view,
have an intention to resolve their differences, and commit to
building a more harmonious working relationship.
Preparation:
* Know the purpose of the intervention.
* Be clear about what you want for each individual, for the
relationship, and for the organization.
* Determine how you will measure each individual's commitment.
* Determine how you will measure each individual's ability to learn
and change.
* Document what you already know about the parties' ability to
change.
* Enter with optimism for a positive outcome.
Agenda:
* Come prepared with a focus for the session.
* Express gratitude that this person agreed to meet with you to
discuss the current situation.
* Build rapport.
* Explain the process you're asking them to engage in to resolve
the conflict with a coworker and your role in helping them.
* Listen to their story.
* Measure their willingness.
* Measure their ability.
* Discuss ways to prepare for the next session and set a date.
* Take notes and send them in a follow-up email after the session.
* Assign homework.
Everything i do serves the goal of partnering and aligning with the
people i work with. ... In each case, i arrived first and arranged
the room so we were seated either side-by-side or at the corner of a
table and not across from each other. ... I wanted each to feel i was
at their disposal and all would be well.
If the parties are not motivated to change, they won't. A willing
attitude determines 90% of the outcome.
What's in it for me? When you can help your [possessive language]
people address [this question], the conflict is heading toward
resolution.
## Pushback/Resistance
* Yeah, but...
* No, you don't understand!
* That won't work.
* That's ridiculous!
## Entering/Blending/Connection
* Can you say more?
* Please help me understand
* I'm not sure i agree. I'd like to hear your reasons.
* I'm curious; why do you think so?
What to watch for:
* Non-verbal communication (body language).
* Whether they ask questions that show interest and understanding.
* Whether they show any emotions or reaction as i talk about what
they can look forward to in the process.
Ask specific questions to get a sense of the parties' optimism and
willingness, and to generate conversation:
* On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is it to your
work/team/organization that you and your coworker resolve this
conflict?
* On a scale of 1 to 10, how optimistic are you about resolving the
conflict? What is the reason behind that number?
* On a scale of 1 to 10, what is your willingness to resolve these
issues? What is your commitment to this process?
* What are you most eager to learn as we go forward?
* What are you most concerned/anxious/hopeful about?
* What would help you personally?
As one of the last steps in the individual sessions, I foster
commitment to the process by looking for ways in which the ongoing
conflict gets in people's way. ... And i invite each party to ask,
"What's in it for me?" as a way to move from the current path to a
new one.
## The Five P's:
1. Pain
* Help each party see the consequences of continuing the status
quo. Help them see the natural result of continuing the conflict.
* Be clear and consistent about the choices each party has
available to them.
2. Pleasure
* Encourage everyone to imagine what it would be like to come to
work each day with the problem solved.
3. Purpose
* Paint a picture of where the organization is going. How do these
individuals complete this picture?
* Connect with their purpose for joining the company.
* Connect with their life purpose. What matters to them?
4. Performance and Productivity
* Help all parties see the coaching process as an investment in
their futures with the organization. Being asked to undergo this
process is a vote of confidence in an individual's future
contribution, not a punishment.
5. Personal Power
* Explain how the process can improve each parties' ability to
manage conflict in all areas of life by acquiring the skills to
make work more enjoyable as well as to see conflict as a gift and a
teacher.
Willingness and ability are different, and it's possible to have one
without the other. [Willingness] is an inside job. Ability,
however, can be developed in others [if they are willing]. Ability
to address conflict manifests as competence and skillfulness in
self-reflection, interpersonal communication, and empathy, as well as
other similar learned habits of mind, body, and spirit.
We don't always see conflict habits in the same way [as other vices].
Nor do we often see the choices available in conflict. These
choices are not as obvious as reaching for a cigarette or eating an
extra icecream bar. But the way the patterns grow and affect us are
the same.
Because we've habituated to certain ways of behaving, when triggered
by the conflict cue, we react as we've been patterned to. If i want
to engage differently in conflict, i begin by noticing the pattern
that leads to the actions i want to change. [By unraveling this
process and seeing the cues, we can pause and consider new actions to
move in a more purposeful direction.]
## Old Habit
* In conflict, i accommodate until my back is against the wall, and
then i explode.
* When i'm irritated, i shut down.
* I avoid conflict at all costs.
* I try to make sure no one is hurt by conflict. I like everyone
to be happy.
## New Pattern
* I know i'm a people pleaser and often over accommodate. I have
learned to watch for this pattern and ask myself if what i'm
agreeing to is actually okay with me.
* When i become irritated, i notice physical tension, which is a
signal that i'm about to shut down. I break the pattern with a
conscious breath. This helps me stay open and talk things out.
* When i start taking things too personally, i remember to get
curious, ask a question, and try to see the other person's view.
* When others become emotional, i center myself and listen.
If one or both parties refuse to see their contribution, or are
affecting the organization or team in ways that limit cohesiveness
and productivity, keeping these individuals on staff may do more harm
than good. Not everyone can work together harmoniously.
Of all the intervention techniques i use, asking open, honest
questions from a place of curiosity is the most useful. By "honest,"
i mean questions i don't know the answer to.
Questions that broaden the topic or learning:
* Can you tell me what's going on?
* What is your perspective on how this got started?
* What do you need from (the other party)?
* How do you feel about doing this work?
* What concerns do you have about the process?
* What questions do you have for me?
* Any other reactions or thoughts?
Questions that deepen the topic or learning:
* Can you name some reasons you think the problem is
resolvable/unresolvable?
* What is the concern behind your view?
* Can you explain that further?
* What happens when you get irritated?
* Can you give examples of that?
* Have you ever had coaching or training like this before?
* What would be helpful for you personally?
* What would help you be your best self when conflict arises?
# Chapter 4, Develop power and presence
Chapter 4's purpose is to give the parties ways to effectively change
their mind-body state to one of optimal performance and emotional
awareness. You help both parties experience the difference between a
centered and an uncentered state as well as how to choose the
centered state anytime, anywhere.
Preparation:
* Know the purpose and desired outcome for the session.
* Know which skills you will focus on and why.
* Have scenarios in mind for role-playing and practicing the skills.
* Read your notes from the previous session.
* Enter with optimism for a positive outcome.
Agenda:
* Express gratitude for the person's presence.
* Explain your hopes for the session and ask them about theirs.
* Ask for any developments since the last session.
* Teach centered presence and purposeful power.
* Use examples from their conflict to practice the skills.
* Discuss ways to prepare for the next session and set a date.
* Take notes and send them in a follow-up email after the session.
* Assign homework.
When teaching conflict and communication skills, i envision two
concentric circles. The outside circle is the container for our
"quality of being" skills: centered presence, personal power, and
clarity of purpose. The inner circle--surrounded and supported by
our quality of being--holds our communication skills: inquiry, active
listening, acknowledgment, advocacy, and problem solving.
Quality of being: the underlying tone of my actions--including the
way i carry myself physically, mentally, and emotionally--as well as
the awareness with which i approach a conflict. Am i centered and
breathing? Do i understand my part in influencing the conversation?
How do i manage my emotional energy? Can i step back, witness myself
in action, and make conscious choices? Our physical posture, breath,
and composure influence our thinking and the environment around us.
A skilled communicator knows how to keep the dialogue psychologically
safe, focused on the task at hand, and moving in a positive
direction. We begin with quality of being because being "speaks"
louder than doing. The underlying principles of presence, power, and
purpose are most evident here and are necessary for the communication
strategy to be effective.
As a general practice, i want the parties to re-center periodically
in order to stay in a learning frame of mind.
... mindset trumps ability, talent, and skill in influencing our
willingness and ability to change.
Characteristics of the fixed and growth mindsets:
## Fixed Mindset
* Emotionally reactive.
* More interested in winning an argument than learning from it.
* Seeking constant approval.
* Judgmental of self and others.
* Usually pessimistic about the outcome.
* Blame oriented, unable to see their contribution to the conflict.
* Insistent on getting their way.
## Growth Mindset
* Emotionally responsive and open.
* More interested in learning than in being right.
* Open to feedback.
* Appreciative of self and others.
* Optimistic about the outcome.
* Curious and open to seeing their contribution.
* Looking to achieve a balanced solution.
Centering is more than an intellectual awareness. When we're
centered, mind, body and spirit are aligned. We feel balanced,
stable, and in control.
When i teach centering, i want to help the individual understand:
* The difference between being centered and uncentered.
* That centering requires only an intention.
* That centering is a choice we can make at any time.
"Choice of attention--to pay attention to this and ignore that--is to
the inner life what choice of action is to the outer. In both cases,
one is responsible for one's choice and must accept the
consequences." --W.H. Auden
# Chapter 5, Demonstrate communication strategies
Your purpose in chapter 5 is to combine centered presence with key
communication strategies in order to change the parties' adversarial
dynamic and help them communicate more effectively.
Preparation:
* Know the purpose and desired outcome for the sessions.
* Know which skills you will focus on and why.
* Have scenarios in mind for roleplaying and practicing the skills.
* Read your notes from the previous session.
* Enter with optimism for a positive outcome.
Agenda:
* Express appreciation for the individual's presence.
* Explain your hopes for the session and ask what the individual
hopes to gain.
* Ask for any new developments since the last session.
* Teach communication strategies and skills, employing examples
from the conflict at hand.
* Discuss ways to prepare for the next session and set a date.
* Take notes and send them in a follow-up email after the session.
* Assign homework.
Most of the time, conflict is set in motion by differing needs,
views, values, and/or thinking or behavioral styles. Without
experience or training in conflict skills, we often don't know how to
ask for what we want, communicate a contrary viewpoint, say no, or
express the impact of a coworker's action. When we're unskilled in
conflict, we either avoid it or become overly direct and
confrontational.
In the case of workplace conflict, what the parties need are skills
to help them talk to each other and role models who demonstrate
learning conversations instead of message-delivery monologues.
A learning conversation is exactly that--a conversation in which the
primary purpose is to learn:
* How does my partner in this conflict view this situation?
* What am i missing?
* How am i contributing to the conflict?
* What are the possible solutions?
Real, transformative change of the kind we're talking about happens
through experimentation, exploration, and experiencing the
benefits--exactly what these individual sessions offer.
It helps to have a checklist of strategies and practices to refer to:
* Knowing your purpose for the conversation.
* Inquiring, listening, and learning.
* Acknowledge what you're hearing.
* Building mutually agreeable solutions.
## The 6-Step Checklist
* Center. Prepare for the conversation with centered reflection.
Re-center periodically during the conversation.
* Purpose. Clarify your purpose for the conversation.
* Inquiry. Enter with an open and curious mindset. Ask questions
to uncover your partner's point of view.
* Acknowledgment. Let your partner know you've heard them.
* Advocacy. Be clear, direct, and respectful in stating your point
of view.
* Solutions. Listen for and encourage possible solutions that
emerge from the conversation. Follow-up.
Asking questions is blending, or adding my energy to theirs. It puts
me in the powerful position of learning where my partner is coming
from. I hear their intentions, hopes, and values. Inquiry also
defuses any conflict energy my partner is holding, such as anger and
fear, allowing this emotional intensity to find a release valve.
Secrets to being in inquiry include:
* Clearing your mind.
* Listening with full attention.
* Making eye contact.
* When thoughts stray, bringing them back to the speaker.
* Asking questions you don't know the answer to.
* Helping the speaker reflect on their thinking.
* Proceeding as if you're attempting to solve a puzzle.
* Pretending you don't know anything about how they see things (you
really don't.)
* Trying to understand as much as possible about your partner and
their point of view. How do they see the situation? What's the
impact of your actions on them? What do they really want for
themselves? For this process For their work?
* Watching their body language and listening for the unspoken.
Acknowledgment is possibly the most underutilized communication skill
and [it is] the secret sauce that turns difficult conversations into
learning conversations. You will forget this. [Assertion, not
inquiry.] Your employees will forget this. I forget it all the
time. But acknowledgment changes the conversation--and the people in
it.
Acknowledgment answers three important questions your partner has:
* Do you hear me?
* Do you care?
* Are you trying to understand?
Examples of acknowledging and clarifying statements include:
* What i hear you saying is...
* It sounds like...
* That sounds important. Can you say more?
* I'm sorry my action had that impact on you. What specifically
would you like me to do differently?
* Can you describe what i do or say that makes me appear aggressive
(passive, not interested, angry, and so on)?
* I'm hearing concern for the project. What areas are you most
concerned about?
* From what i gather, you're hoping...
* Thank you for this information.
* I appreciate your thinking on this.
* Is there anything else?
In conflict, we're predisposed to blame (making someone else
responsible for the problem) and justification (not seeing our own
contribution). Falling into this mindset is easy to do and feels
good, because i can pretend i'm in the right. The problem, however,
is:
* Blaming doesn't solve the problem and discounts my contribution
to the problem.
* When i blame or justify, i give up my ability to influence the
other person.
* When i give up my ability to influence the other person, i lose
power over the outcome.
We can use blame and justification as red flags--indicating that
we've abdicated the only power we really have in conflict. Instead,
by choosing to take responsibility for our words and actions, we can
change what's not working in the situation and intentionally
influence it for the better. In other words, we can notice and
change our contribution to the problem.
## Acknowledgment ≠ Agreement
You can acknowledge but not agree by following up with language such
as:
* I'm not sure i agree, but id like to hear more about your point
of view.
* I have a different take on this but would really like to hear why
you feel so strongly about it.
## Inner Acknowledgment
The parties can also acknowledge their own feelings of anger,
annoyance, confusion, and personal defensiveness when they arise.
For me, the process usually starts with an awareness of physical
tension--my jaw tightens or i notice i've stopped breathing. In an
argument with a coworker over who should take the lead in a training
initiative, i said, "Now, i just got really irritated by that
comment, and i think i'm becoming defensive. Can we stop for a
moment? I just want to talk about this topic. I'm not trying to
persuade you in either direction." The acknowledgment helped both of
us to re-center.
The parties in this conflict will need skills to help them say what's
on their mind. This is advocacy. When we advocate, we're assertive.
We're saying, "Here's what i see. It may not be how you see it, so
i'm going to put the view out there in such a way that you can see it
through my eyes."
Advocacy is also standing up for something--a point of view, value,
or belief.
There are ways to advocate for a position without offending or
causing defensiveness.
* Wait - I sometimes play a game with myself to see how long i can
wait and how much i can discuss about the other person before i
begin advocating for my message. It's great practice and often
brings to the surface interesting information and useful insights.
* Continue to clarify purpose - Focusing on purpose takes
participants back to a centered and positive intent.
* Don't assume - Remind your [possessive] employees to tell their
side of the story in a way that doesn't make assumptions about what
the other person knows or agrees with.
* Educate - Because each person's view is unique, your [possessive]
employees need to educate each other on what the world looks like
from their window.
* Share facts - Sharing facts is often referred to as the
"I-Message" or "I-Statement":
- The Fact (When you didn't arrive at the agreed-upon time...)
- The Feeling (I was concerned.)
- The Hope (My hope was for your safety and well-being.)
- The Request (Next time you're going to be late, can you let me
know?)
## Ladder of Inference
The ladder of inference is a visual demonstration of how we form
interpretations and draw conclusions from available data. At the
foot of the ladder lies the available data. As we move up the
ladder, we get further from what actually happened and more deeply
into our story of what happened.
* Explore your view
* Draw conclusions
* Interpret data
* Select data
* Available data
On the other side, climb down the ladder to explore THEIR view.
The ability to distinguish between the intention of an action and its
impact is useful in learning conversations, and has been helpful in
my own practice.
"As people perceive that other's don't respect them, the conversation
immediately becomes unsafe and dialogue comes to a screeching halt.
Why? Because respect is like air. If you take it away, it's all
people can think about. The instant people perceive disrespect in
the conversation, the interaction is no longer about the original
purpose--it is now about defending dignity." -- Kerry Patterson,
Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler
We model respect when we listen for understanding, refrain from
making assumptions about others, speak without blame or
justification, and recognize that the listener can't know what we're
thinking, feeling, or telling ourselves about the world around us.
Respect looks like inquiry, acknowledgment, and advocacy in a way
that doesn't trample on the right of others to have their own views.
Naive realism: The human tendency to believe "I alone am privy to the
true reality." In other words, this [supposedly] invariant,
knowable, objective reality is so obviously true that anyone who
doesn't see reality as i do is clearly unreasonable and/or irrational.
False consensus effect: Tendency to think everyone believes the way
we do, and has similar beliefs and values.
Naive realism and the false consensus effect are about disrespect.
The following practices are foundational for a learning conversation:
* Curiosity
* Purpose
* Centeredness
* Respect
* Apology
* Acknowledgment
You can help the parties know when a conversation is becoming
psychologically unsafe by increasing their ability to notice when one
of them shuts down (silence), or becomes sarcastic or demeaning
(violence). In my experience, it usually takes between two to four
individual sessions of about an hour each to complete the teaching,
application, and transfer of the skills necessary to prepare the
parties to meet jointly. The number of sessions depends on how many
of the concepts you teach, how well the parties integrate the
concepts in their workplace interactions, and how you perceive the
parties' readiness and ability to move forward into the joint
sessions.
Practice:
* Roleplaying
* Ask your [possessive] employees what they think the other
person's feelings and needs are around this conflict.
* Ask your [possessive] employees to become aware of when their
attitude or behavior toward the other party begins to shift.
* Ask what assumptions they might be making about their partner and
invite them to challenge those assumptions.
# Chapter 6, Look forward
Your purpose in the joint sessions is to build rapport, reinforce
relationships, and redirect any remaining challenges toward
resolution and problem-solving. At this point, we're looking forward
to what the rebuilt relationship will look like and how it will be
sustained.
Preparation:
* Know the purpose and desired outcome for each joint session.
* Consider possible topics for each joint session.
* Read your notes from the previous session.
* Enter with optimism for a positive outcome.
Agenda:
* Explain the purpose of the first joint session: to enjoy each
other's company and get to know each other apart from the conflict.
* Explain the purpose and goals for subsequent joint sessions.
* Ask for any new developments since the last session.
* Discuss ways to prepare for the next joint session and set a date.
* Take notes and send them in a follow-up email after the session.
* Assign homework.
How do you know when to move from individual to joint sessions?
You'll know it's time when the parties seem eager to get on with it,
they no longer appear fearful or anxious, and you see them practicing
their new centering and communication skills in the workplace. One
or two individual sessions may be enough depending on the severity of
the conflict and the parties' motivation to alter the dynamic.
Another gauge is your own sense of optimism. On a scale of 1 to 10,
how optimistic are you that the joint meetings will yield a positive
outcome; that the parties are ready to resolve their differences and
look forward? If you're scoring 7 or higher, i'd say they are ready.
And you can always go back to meeting individually.
The first joint session's [sic] sets the tone for those to come. For
that reason, this session deserves special thought and preparation.
For example, i suggest you don't move into problem-solving in the
first joint session, but rather use the time to build rapport and
reinforce relationship. My experience supports holding this session
in a neutral location away from the office. I like to take the
parties to lunch at a nice restaurant that they'll both enjoy and
that offers some privacy. We choose a date, and i ask them to select
the restaurant and make a reservation.
When people talk about what they love, they lighten up. They begin
to see each other differently: as human beings with many sides and,
oftentimes, common interests. This first meeting is an opportunity
to encourage these common interests to surface as well as build
trust, respect, and safety. As the coach, you want the conversation
to flow and are looking for easy subjects, such as:
* Family
* Movies
* Books
* Sports
* Holidays
* High points and special moments
* Passions and hobbies
* Favorite foods and restaurants
* How both parties came to do this work
* What they like about where they live
* Little known facts they feel like sharing
* A story that best exemplifies what they love about their work
I'm always amazed how well these first meetings go. There's
something about breaking bread together that brings out the best in
people. Sometimes we make small talk the entire time, and that's
fine. And sometimes an affinity develops and the conversation
becomes more informal and personal, as the parties see they have more
in common than they thought. This relational ease builds a
foundation for future joint sessions and conversations back in the
workplace.
Lastly, ask "What did you appreciate about the luncheon meeting, and
how will you bring these qualities into your new workplace
relationship?"
# Chapter 7, Resolve, reflect, reinforce
The purpose of continuing joint sessions is to provide openings for
the parties to talk about their learning from the individual
sessions, comparing experiences, and plan for the future. Both
parties will explore topics including:
* What needs to happen for them both to have continuing positive
engagement?
* What roadblocks may come up?
* How will they resolve future conflict?
Preparation:
* Keep the purpose and objectives for the joint sessions in mind.
* Consider your specific goals for this session.
* Read your notes from the previous session.
* Enter with optimism for a positive outcome.
Agenda:
* Ask how things have gone since the last session, and point out
positive interactions.
* Review purpose and goals, and ask the parties for their thoughts.
* Review the 6-Step Checklist.
* Use specific questions to determine what is working and what
still needs attention.
* Discuss behavioral or style inventories (if included in the
process.)
* Offer the parties an opportunity to express appreciation to each
other and for the process.
* Discuss ways to prepare for the next session and set a date.
* Take notes and send them in a follow-up email after the session.
* Assign homework.
I'm here to help the parties:
* RESOLVE existing challenges by forging solutions that will stand
the test of time.
* REFLECT on potential challenges and plan ways to deal with them.
* REINFORCE their confidence and capacity to handle difficulty in
the future.
The 6-Step Checklist
...
Step 6: Solutions
If one person makes a suggestion, the other has three ways in which
to respond:
* I agree.
* I agree with what you said with regard to ..., and i'd like to
add ...
* It seems we have different ideas about how to ... Can you say
more about why you like that approach and how you think it will
help us solve the problem in this case?
Make sure that plans are made to implement the solutions and ways to
follow up are defined. As you look for future scenarios together,
encourage the parties to ask and answer questions such as:
* Where do we go from here?
* How will we move ahead together?
* What will our working relationship look like after these changes?
* How will we hold each other and ourselves accountable?
Powerful conversation openings:
* I have something i'd like to discuss that i think will help us
work together more effectively.
* I'd like to talk about ... with you, but first i'd like to get
your point of view.
* I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few
minutes to talk?
* "I need your help with something. Can we talk about it (soon)?"
If the person says, "Sure, let me get back to you," [then] follow
up.
* I think we have different perceptions about ... I'd like to hear
your thinking on this.
* I'd like to talk about ... I think we may have different ideas
about how to ...
* I'd like to see if we might reach a better understanding about
... I really want to hear your feelings about this and share my
perspective as well.
Common features in these openers are:
* Letting the other person know up-front there will be time for
both parties to offer input.
* Being clear this will be a two-way conversation.
* The purpose is a noble one.
Logistics
To further support resolution, i think about ways to make the
sessions and the room comfortable and conducive to partnering. For
example:
* I arrange our seating so the parties are physically aligned and
not sitting across from each other.
* As we discuss areas of conflict, i ask the parties to guess and
acknowledge what they imagine is the other's point of view.
* Sometimes we set guidelines or ground rules, but not always. It
depends on the situation. When i use ground rules, i ask the
parties to talk about what would help them feel comfortable holding
a problem-solving dialogue, employ the akido skills we've been
practicing, to make the joint sessions a success. The following
are the most common requests:
- listen and stay curious
- seek to understand
- know when to take a time-out
- keep a problem-solving stance
- maintain a partnering perspective
- be respectful and kind
- summarize from time to time
- pay attention to time
* Review at the end of the session what went well and what to do
differently next time.
In their first working session together, i like to seed conversation
with questions that invite reflection and dialogue. The questions
promote awareness of what's working and where support is still
needed. To do this, i usually hand each a sheet of questions and
give them time to write their answers and compare notes. Some
example questions include:
* What is your greatest insight?
* What is needed to resolve this process so the solution is
sustainable?
* What are problem areas that could get in the way down the line?
* How will you keep the future conflicts from escalating?
* How do you like to receive feedback?
* What are possible different situations that may come up, and how
will you handle them?
* What's working? Be as specific as you can.
* What do you want to keep doing that's working now?
* What's not working?
* What are you concerned about that might cause future conflict?
* What support do you need from others or someone else?
* What agreements have you made in these meetings about how you're
going to handle things differently in the future?
In addition, i invite the parties to share their experiences about
the coaching process and what they've come to appreciate about each
other through the individual sessions. For example:
* What were the turning points in the coaching process for you?
* What questions about the process do you have for me or for each
other?
* What have you come to appreciate about each other?
* What commonalities have you discovered?
* What differences have you found in your styles that could
complement each other?
* What skills or concepts do you want to reinforce?
* How do you want to tell the story of this process five years from
now?
It's also useful to return to the "scale of 1 to 10" questions asked
in chapter 3 amended slightly to fit the current conditions. For
example: On a scale of 1 to 10:
* How optimistic are you about the conflict staying resolved?
* How would you assess your willingness to resolve future issues
together?
* How committed are you to apply the new skills and mindset?
To reinforce ability and commitment, you want to take every
opportunity during the joint sessions to notice the positive choices
they're making and point them out. For example:
* Wow, nice job paraphrasing that comment!
* I appreciate how you took a moment before you answered. You
appeared to be reflecting on what you heard and deciding how to
respond.
* That was a well-phrased question. You're really understanding
the power of inquiry, aren't you?
# Chapter 8, Review and follow-up
The primary purpose is to establish a review process to make sure the
new habits and relationship are holding, as well as to design a
support system for the future.
Preparation:
* Know your purpose.
* Read your notes from the previous session.
* Enter with optimism for a positive outcome.
Agenda:
* Ask for any new developments since the last session.
* Decide whether the parties will write an agreement and what
system of follow-up you'll use.
* Talk with the parties' managers (if this isn't you) to help
decide how much and what kind of follow-up is necessary.
* Agree on how much transparency you will employ with other members
of the team.
* Take notes and send them in a follow-up email after the session.
If a letter of agreement is part of the process, it shouldn't be a
surprise or left to the final session. When i'm asked to include
this agreement, i let the parties know at the outset and ask them to
take notes along the way about what goes into that agreement.
Generally, assuming the parties continue in their current position,
there are three possible outcomes to the intervention:
* The conflict is resolved.
* The conflict is not resolved. Plan B: performance review,
transfer to another position, or termination.
* The conflict seems resolved. If the parties didn't create a
written agreement and consequences have not been otherwise defined,
i suggest meeting individually again to see what was missed, how
things got off track, and whether the parties are willing to try
again.
My purpose in writing this book has been to help you be successful in
supporting your [possessive] people to communicate, resolve their
differences, and work together amicably and productively. Conflict
is a restriction of energy. Your task is to free up that energy for
more productive and purposeful use--for your [possessive] people,
your team, and your organization or company. Imagine untangling a
knot. You go at it slowly and methodically. You stay focused and
present, seeing how each strand plays a part in the restriction and
where the knot is most unyielding. You work gently to find where the
strands want to move. You don't push or pull; you work with them,
guiding them until the strands are free to move independently to
accomplish their purpose.
author: Ringer, Judy, 1949-
(HTM) detail: https://www.judyringer.com/blog/turn-enemies-into-allies-the-art-of-peace-in-the-workplace-20181204
LOC: HD42 .R56 2019
tags: book,conflict resolution,non-fiction,self-help
title: Turn Enemies Into Allies
# Tags
(DIR) book
(DIR) conflict resolution
(DIR) non-fiction
(DIR) self-help