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# 2020-09-22 - Family Happiness Handbook by Laura Musikanski
(IMG) Hand and spectrum
I felt delighted by the clarity, depth, and succinctness in this
handbook. Below is a text-only transcription:
# Contents
* Chapter 1: Principles
* Chapter 2: Habits
* Chapter 3: Horsemen
* #1 Never speak with contempt
* #2 Never criticize
* #3 Never be defensive
* #4 Never stonewall
# Chapter 1: Principles
Three principles for happiness in families and life. Based on Gary
Chapman's Five Languages of Love
## 1. Do no harm with words. Speak, Act, & Be Love.
Use words to express encouragement, appreciation, and gratitude as
often as possible.
Life is hard enough and family should be a source of support and
feeling good about yourself.
Examples:
* I appreciate you.
* You are a good person.
* I love you.
* You are beautiful.
* Thank you for everything you do.
* It is a joy to have you in my life.
* I really admire you. Let me tell you why.
* I am so proud of you.
* What a good job you have done!
## 2. Be as generous as you can and then a little more.
* Be generous with your time.
* Be generous with acts of service.
* Be generous with your praise.
* Be generous with gifts.
## 3. Touch, hug, hold, snuggle, cuddle, enfold, cherish, envelop,
## encircle, pet, pat, massage...touch.
Without touch, babies do not survive.
(A study conduced in 1944 to determine whether infants could survive
without affection resulted in the death of babies who were not
touched. Further studies by researcher Harlow on monkeys confirmed
the need for touch and loving attachment.)
Without touch, children are vulnerable to abuse.
Touch should always be consensual. Even small children should have
the option of not being hugged, cuddled, held, snuggled, etc.
Touch guidelines:
* Ask first.
* No means no.
* Never insist.
Sexual touch should only be for sexually mature people in consensual
relationships. Never between adults and children.
# Chapter 2: Habits
The first chapter of the Family Happiness Handbook presents
principles that you can use as a basis for new habits.
Employ these principles with family members and with your self-talk
(the words you use when thinking about yourself).
Habits take about 21 days to form.
At first, new behaviors may feel uncomfortable or insincere. Give
yourself time to form your habit. Remember: progress not perfection
Over time, it will feel natural and become normal for you.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can hurt forever.
Words have incredible power.
They shape your feelings, your ideas about yourself, your
expectations, and your world view.
They can heal and they can hurt.
The third chapter of the Family Happiness Handbook lays out four
toxic habits and pathways for replacing them with loving habits.
If you have a habit of expressing yourself in harmful ways, be honest
with yourself about the harm intended. Take notice of the harm your
words produce. Make a vow to yourself to change your habitual way of
talking from harmful to helpful--genuinely, honestly and lovingly
helpful.
# Chapter 3: Horsemen
Four ways of using speech you should NEVER use with your family.
Based on Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Don't do it:
* Contempt
* Criticism
* Defensiveness
* Stonewalling
## #1 Never speak with contempt
Contemptuous expressions come in many forms. It is based on feelings
of hatred or aversion:
* Belittling
* Disrespect
* Disdain
* Depreciation
* Scorn
* Slighting
* Disgust
* Derision
* Mockery
* Mean Humor
* Disparagement
* Sarcasm
* Put downs
* Hatred
Body language counts.
Contempt is often expressed with one side of the mouth raised, eyes
narrowed, and body turned away. When not sure, try mirroring body
language of another to determine their feelings.
Instead of Contempt: Express Appreciation
When feelings of contempt arise, pause.
Find a way to flip the situation in your heart.
Search for the good in the person you are speaking to.
Remind yourself of why you love them.
Express gratitude.
Notes on flipping contempt to appreciation:
Old habits die hard. Watch yourself to see if you use appreciation
as a way to express contempt, such as with backhanded compliments or
sarcasm.
Don't let yourself get away with it, if you do.
Develop a habit of being genuinely appreciative.
It takes time to flip a habit of being contemptuous to appreciative.
It takes diligence, honesty with yourself, and self-awareness to
transform the habit of contempt into appreciation, but it will pay
off.
Contempt is often a defense against fear of failure or fear of not
being accepted or valued.
Appreciation gets you what your heart wants.
## #2 Never criticize
Criticism comes in many forms. It often is based in a desire to help
someone or change them.
* Correcting
* Attacking
* Aggression
* Uninvited advice
* Uninvited helpful statements
* Uninvited suggestions for improvements
* Questioning without real desire to understand (more like an
inquisition)
Note: Keep mindful of the intent and situation when giving advice,
suggestions, etc. When invited and wanted, and spoken with love, the
same words that would be critical can be loving and helpful.
Instead of Criticizing: Focus on Your Needs Instead of Their Flaws.
When the desire to criticize arises, ask yourself what your unmet
needs are in the moment.
Speak with "I statements" to state your needs.
Needs include:
* Acceptance
* Empathy
* Touch
* Love
* Play
* Hope
* Ease
* Order
* Space
* Purpose
* Presence
* Participation
* Independence
* To see and be seen
* To understand and be understood
Note on needs:
Expressing needs does not imply someone else is responsible for
meeting them.
It's okay to ask someone to meet your needs, but not to expect them
to meet your needs.
It takes courage to express your needs. It may feel safer to be
critical or contemptuous, but in the end, being unpleasant ensures
you will not get your needs met. Being appreciative and vulnerable
opens you up to love.
## #3 Never be defensive
Defensiveness comes in many forms:
* Minimizing
* Rationalizing
* Explaining
* Justifying
* "Yes-But" statements
* Denying
* Blaming
* Yelling
* Attacking
* Counter-attacking
Defensiveness often comes from a feeling of being attacked, which may
or may not actually be the case, and a feeling of not being good
enough, valued or appreciated. It is also often based on taking
things people say personally. It is hard, but helpful to remind
yourself that most everything someone else says about you is really a
reflection of them and their thinking.
Instead of Being Defensive:
* Stop and Listen.
* Seek to Understand.
* See things from their side.
* Take Responsibility.
Validate what they said by letting them know you heard and
understood, even if you do not agree.
Note on going from defensive to understanding and taking
responsibility:
Defensiveness is often rooted in fear. Fear of not being enough.
Fear of not being accepted. Fear of getting hurt.
It takes a lot of effort to learn to become aware of your own
feelings and replace reactive defensiveness with open responses and
owning what is yours. And for most people, it takes help from a good
friend, talk therapist, the right al-anon meeting for you, and other
resources to re-learn childhood habitual ways of reacting out of fear
instead of responding in love.
A few words about using words:
Most of us do not learn how to listen in ways that are loving and do
no harm.
One way to learn how to listen better is called Active Listening.
## Active Listening proposes steps for listening:
* Give the speaker your undivided attention.
* Show you are listening with your body language and facial
expression. Reflect the listeners feelings with your body and face.
* Defer judgment or input until you fully understand.
* Check that you understand by paraphrasing what you heard.
* When you do not understand, request clarification.
* Ask open ended questions, being careful that your questions are
intended to understand, not to judge.
* Respond only once the speaker agrees you fully understand.
A few more words about using words:
Like with listening, most of us do not learn how to speak in ways
that are loving and do no harm. This is often especially true for
difficult situations.
One way to learn to speak without doing harm is called Non-Violent
Communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg. It involves four
steps:
1. Observations
2. Feelings
3. Needs
4. Requests
The tricky part is taking each step simply and cleanly, and without
blame, criticism, judgment or other harmful intent or hard feelings.
Steps for NVC:
First, make an observation using an "I statement" that just explains
what you see, hear, remember, or imagine. Such as "I see your arms
are folded in front of you" instead of "I see you are angry" (this is
a judgment).
Second, state how you are feeling in simple terms without including
what you think about things. Such as "I feel afraid" instead of "I
feel like you are going to start a fight" (this is a judgment).
Third, state only one need in simple terms. Such as "I need to be
understood" instead of "I need you to understand me this time" (a
judgment based on history is hidden in this statement).
Fourth, make a simple request, not a demand. Such as "Would you be
willing to use active listening for five or ten minutes while I
listen to you, and then you listen to me using active listening for
the same amount of time?" instead of "Would you be quiet for a minute
and just listen to me?"
## #4 Never stonewall
Stonewalling starts with refusing to consider another person's
perspective. It has many forms:
* Stalling
* Ignoring
* Being too busy all the time.
* Always saying no.
* Failing to follow through on something you agree to do.
* Refusing to have dialogue and/or refusing to take action.
* Holding up a process without intention for resolution and
progress.
* Saying no without discussion.
* Saying you will come back to it later and then not doing so.
* Saying you are feeling overwhelmed or crying regularly to get out
of discussions.
* Agreeing without intending to act on your agreement.
Stonewalling can be a way of dealing with fear of conflict and/or
fear of being abused. It can also be a way of being aggressive
without appearing so.
Instead of Stonewalling:
Take some time to do things that are soothing and healthy every day.
When a discussion gets heated or you start to feel overwhelmed, tell
the other person you need to take a time out but will be back to
participate in the discussion. Take 30 minutes alone doing something
healthy that calms you down. Then fulfill your commitment to
continuing the discussion then or when you arrange to do so.
Be honest with yourself when you find yourself stonewalling as a
habit.
Invest in your own happiness with a talk therapist, talking regularly
with someone who loves you and will listen without judgment, or going
to the right al-anon meeting for you so you can: Process past
traumas. Learn how to have and maintain healthy boundaries. Learn
how to take responsibility in healthy loving ways.
Thoughts on Stonewalling
For most people, it is hard to acknowledge stonewalling because they
are not aware that they are doing it. Most people feel that they are
being victimized. This feeling is often based on past traumas.
Stonewalling may feel like a good way of keeping yourself from
getting hurt again, but it is also a way of keeping yourself from
being loved, and from loving.
It takes great courage and a lot of work to come to terms with
yourself when you are unaware that you have a habit of stonewalling.
Stonewalling and Conflict
Stonewalling is often used as a way to avoid conflict. Every
relationship has some conflict. Healthy conflict can strengthen
relationships which increases your happiness.
Steps for healthy conflict:
* Stay calm. Take a time out if someone gets upset.
* Do not engage in harmful or negative talk.
* Focus on what you do want, not what you don't want.
* Allow the other person to talk.
* Share concerns.
* Ask questions to understand the other person.
* Take breaks to digest and reflect.
* Be creative about solutions.
* Find something to agree upon.
* Continue dialogue even after you find agreement.
(HTM) From: https://issuu.com/happycounts/docs/family_happiness_handbook
tags: article,health,self-help
# Tags
(DIR) article
(DIR) health
(DIR) self-help