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# 2023-05-05 - At The Speed of Life by Gay and Kathleen Hendricks
I saw this book referenced in the written material of a workshop i
attended in 2017. I finally got around to reading this book, and
many of the ideas seemed very familiar. They were the same ideas
that i felt the most resistance to in workshops. For example, the
all-or-nothing mentality when the authors state:
> Specifically, we teach that each of us can claim one hundred
> percent responsibility for everything that happens to us. We
> expect our clients to demonstrate mastery of this principle by
> overcoming their tendency toward victimhood in every area of their
> lives.
In other words, we can never truly be a victim, we only choose to
play the part. This extreme view that we are at choice and can claim
100% responsibility for everything that happens to us; it strikes me
as spiritual bypassing and victim blaming. It implies that we are
always at choice and never powerless. The authors do explain in more
detail in chapter 15, but even there the language is not clear to me.
After giving it some thought, here is the best understanding of the
authors' position that i can come up with is:
After we survive something that happens to us, we are the one who is
stuck with the consequences. We cannot expect anyone else to assume
the role of fairy godmother, wave their magic wand, and take care of
it for us. So either we will assume responsibility for the
consequences, or nobody will. Therefore, we will be more effective
if we do assume responsibility.
This is all well and good so long as it is self-motivated. It would
be wrong to use this as a standard to judge other people outside the
context of a client/therapist relationship. This standard is only
properly applied by one's self toward one's self. We cannot actually
know how at-choice another person is. To hold another person to our
expectations and to tell them that they have some magical control
over the universe that they don't understand can be like setting that
person up for more misery. In other words, a variation of the
Just World fallacy.
(TXT) Just-World Fallacy
I also did not like how the author tried to apply quantum physics
terminology to psychological therapy. I am NOT a sub-atomic particle
and i do NOT behave like one. I've heard WAY too much quantum
mechanics babble from people who like to hear themselves talk.
I also don't care for the dogmatic faith that the body is the only
approach to positive transformation. I have heard the question
"Where are you experiencing this feeling in your body?" so many times
that i got sick of hearing it. I felt annoyed and resented the
interruption of my own process.
What i liked most about this book were the thought experiments.
They gave plain, simple instructions to try out new ideas and
practices in the laboratory of one's own bodymind.
Below are relevant excerpts from the book.
# Foreword
Human beings are losing their feelings. I know at first hand that
people today cannot tell where in their bodies they experience the
core emotions of human existence. The body awareness of feeling--the
feeling of emotion--is missing. And in the absence of this skill a
host of ills comes into being.
They [as medical patients] suspect that I will tell them that these
emotions are only in their minds. They have become so alienated from
themselves that they do not consider their feelings real or valid.
Science has typically examined only those things that are objective,
publicly observable, measurable, and quantifiable. Thoughts,
feelings, and sensations have been relegated to the backseat because
they are subjective and hard to measure. In fact, many scientists
today would say that feelings do not exist.
... in the late nineteenth century... only behavior--that which could
be observed and measured--was the major focus of psychology. In the
latter part of the twentieth century, cognitive theories and
therapies [CBT] reappeared and are attempting to restore thinking to
its rightful place in psychology.
You cannot express a feeling if you don't know that you are having it.
To the extent that feelings are acknowledged at all [by physicians],
they are often considered symptoms of a disease. Thus, feeling
depressed becomes a symptom of a disease caused by inherited
abnormalities of brain chemistry.
While psychology and medicine have been ignoring feelings, society
has done so as well. Feelings represent our animal side, opposed and
resisted by reason. As a result, we do not teach our children much
of value about feelings.
At The Speed of Life is the first book to describe in detail how to
employ the body and its feelings as a path of healing and a means of
psychospiritual growth. Gay and Kathlyn make it fun, too. That is
their special gift.
# Chapter 1, Body-Centered Therapy As A Path of Awakening
In our first session we always ask people what their past experiences
have been in therapy, and why they are interested in our
body-centered approach. ... We are interested in finding out why they
are no longer choosing those [other] paths of growth. Here is the
criticism that almost all of them mention: Talk therapy gives them
insight and understanding but did not lead to any immediate or
noticeable changes in their daily lives. In the words of one of our
new clients, "It took a long time, and nothing much happened."
The skilled practitioner of body-centered therapy will rarely hear
anybody complain that it takes too long. The great advantage of
body-centered therapy is that it goes immediately to where people
live: the reality of their somatic experience.
Another important criticism our clients mention is that therapy
promotes a one-up, one-down power imbalance between the client and
therapist.
Our approach to body-centered therapy addresses the power problem in
two different ways. First, we place the technology of healing
directly into our clients' hands. We teach them the nine strategies
presented in this book and expect them to practice them on their own.
Second, we carefully discuss the issue of responsibility from the
first session. Specifically, we teach that each of us can claim one
hundred percent responsibility for everything that happens to us. We
expect our clients to demonstrate mastery of this principle by
overcoming their tendency toward victimhood in every area of their
lives.
Body-centered therapy works because it solves a fundamental problem
of living. In describing this central problem, keep in mind that our
perspective is close-up, clinical, and practical, not purely
philosophical.
The central problem is this: Early in life human beings develop a
split between feelings and thinking, which can also be thought of as
a split between body and mind. Messages from the body (such as what
we are feeling and what we want) become ignored or denied by the
mind.
Essence is the part of us that makes us truly us. It is the
body-space in which our "I" resides. Take it away, and we don't know
who we are. Fail to contact essence, and nothing satisfies us.
Human beings must be in moment-to-moment contact with body-essence to
feel satisfied.
Essence is the open, spacious feeling in your body in which all other
phenomena rest. When you are in touch with essence, you can feel
unpleasant sensations such as fatigue, fear, or toothache--and still
feel good. Essence is bigger than these other phenomena, and one can
feel the distinction between essence and everything else as one's
contact with essence grows. This paradox--feeling good even when you
feel bad--is a hallmark of essence.
At the most practical level, the central problem is that human beings
are losing their ability to know their authentic somatic experience
and how to tell the truth about it.
Body-centered therapy offers a powerful and direct solution to the
central problem. By working skillfully with movement, breathing, and
tension patterns, the body-centered therapist assists clients in
healing the mind/body split. The immediate reward is a greater
feeling of aliveness and well-being in the body.
What is the essence of good relationship and good therapy? In a
word, the secret is attention. The feelings inside must be heard,
and must not be told to shut up.
Be present to the truth within yourself, and problems disappear. See
the truth the way it is, say the truth the way it is, and life gains
remarkable integrity. Withdraw your attention from the truth,
swallow the expression of it, and a parade of pains, heartaches, and
lost opportunities will march through your living room.
The challenge for the therapist is this: The people in pain do not
know that they are plating an act. They do not have an act; they
have become their act. No separation remains between person and
persona. There is no essence beneath the mask, no realness.
Asking a person to bring consciousness to bear on an unconscious
action changes the whole pattern. There are several ways to do this
seemingly small thing, but asking the person to magnify the action is
one of the best. It is a bold thing to do, for client and therapist
alike.
Such moments have an electric quality to them. Sometimes people
explode in rage at being seen in this way. The thing that they
thought they were hiding turns out to be visible in neon.
Here are some of the major ways human beings avoid becoming present
to what is:
* Somaticizing. We generate a body pain or problem to take our
attention (or others' attention) from our feelings.
* Faulty attribution. We blame something Out There for something
that is actually In Here.
* Explanation. Some people get caught up in lengthy explanations for
their feelings.
* Justification. Instead of simply being present with the sensations
of anger, some people often become righteous about their anger,
thinking that it is the correct response to life. Justifying is a
defense against finding out what our feelings are actually about.
If we can be righteous about them, we do not have to look any
deeper into ourselves.
* Concepts. Any conceptual [abstract] thought can remove us from the
immediacy of our feelings.
* Soap opera. Many of us create recycling dramas in our lives that
are as predictable as the buttons on a jukebox.
* Logic. Reason is wonderful and has its rightful place in life, but
superreasonableness can be a formidable barrier to being with
feelings. Instead of simply feeling them, we stop to figure it all
out.
* Judgmentalness. Many of us approach every moment with a question:
Is this the right experience, the one I'm supposed to be having?
Many of us get so judgmental about our own feelings and the
feelings of others that we don't give ourselves any room to be with
them.
To claim our full birthright as human beings, we need to claim our
full ability to be with whatever is there. Otherwise we are humans
fleeing. ... Making the transition from human fleeing to human being
requires a major act of courage.
As you read this book, you will see that nine strategies are
presented:
* presencing
* breathing
* moving
* magnification
* communication
* grounding
* manifestation
* love
* responsibility
They are presented in this order because they unfold in that order in
body-centered therapy.
# Chapter 2, A New Paradigm For Healing The Mind/Body
A new paradigm must be employed to describe what happens in
body-centered therapy.
In therapy, quantum shifts occur in at least two major situations.
The first one is when a person (or couple or family) jumps from one
level of functioning to another. The second type of quantum shift is
when the client discovers a fundamental unity underlying a conflict.
Two major definitions of quantum correspond to these two types of
shifts. First, a jump in the level of functioning from one state to
a different one; second, the presence of an irreducible and
indivisible state that contains previously conflicting sub-states.
Both types of quantum events occur readily and observably when the
strategies described in this book are used. It is for this reason
that we talk about changes that occur "at the speed of life."
At the heart of the Newtonian paradigm is the idea that for every
action there is an equal and opposite reaction. ... The Newtonian
view is at the heart of behavior therapy, which seeks to change the
stimulus or the response to it. This is useful to a point, but it
can also be the source of a great deal of misery.
The quantum paradigm, because it takes us to a level in which the
conflict is held in a new way, offers a rapid means of change.
The richest bit of wisdom that Einstein left us, the one that is
urgent for all of us to understand, can be expressed like this: What
you see and experience in a given situation depends largely on what
you bring to the situation. People trapped in the Newtonian paradigm
will focus instead on what others are doing to them and their
reactions to it. In the Einsteinian paradigm, they instead focus on
the qualities, intentions, and requirements they are bringing to the
situation. ... The Einsteinian question is: How are my present
unconscious intentions and my past conditioning contributing to
creating my present situation?
In our training workshops we identify four components of the human
psyche that are the key areas of the new paradigm. These components
are essence, feelings, persona, and projection. When a person moves
from one of these elements to another, a quantum shift occurs in her
or his experience of the world.
Although essence is a concept that goes far back past Aristotle,
modern psychology has not addressed it. It is a concept that is
absolutely unprovable except by direct experience and personal
observation. For this reason it does not lend itself to the research
methods of contemporary "hard-nosed" psychology. One of our
professors at Stanford, Earnest Hilgard, broke modern psychology into
two main camps: hard-nosed and warm-hearted. Essence is definitely a
product of the warm-hearted school. But essence is much more than a
concept. When skillfully approached, it has great clinical relevance
and healing power.
Essence is not hard to contact. It requires you to willingly place
your attention on whatever you're feeling, without doing anything
else with it.
The therapists whom we have trained over the years tell us that as
their own sense of themselves becomes more deeply grounded in
essence, the process of helping people heal themselves and their
relationships is speeded up significantly. We think this result is
because when people perceive essence in themselves and in others,
they know cellularly [viscerally] that there is a unifying principle
at the bottom of all conflict. There is a place to come home to.
What we all desperately need to learn is that this place to come home
to is inside ourselves, at the core and center of ourselves.
Why, then, is essence not perceived more often? If it is such a
strong force, how does it come to be lost so easily? Paradoxically,
the way it is lost is also the key to it recovery. Early in life,
sometimes very early indeed, feelings occur that overshadow essence.
Regardless of when essence is lost, the problem is the same. If we
are in touch with essence, we may have feelings, but we experience
them in the larger context of essence. Grounded in essence, we know
that we are more than our feelings. When we are out of touch with
essence, the feelings have us.
If we are grounded in essence, a feeling will arise (such as anger or
fear) and we can accept it as part of ourselves. If we are out of
touch with essence, the same feeling will seem to dominate us. To
control it, we withhold it and remove ourselves from the situation.
This action leads to projection.
The world of feeling is unpredictable, confusing, and hard to
control. that is the nature of feeling. At the very best, learning
to deal with feelings is a complex art.
When a persona is in charge, the world must be shaped to fit it. We
see what we believe, and that our beliefs shape our perceptions is
beyond argument.
Feelings and wants are sometimes expressed authentically, but
unfortunately they are more often expressed through the filters of
personas.
From within personas there is no possibility of genuine freedom: We
are simply rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. Only by being
courageous enough to jump free of personas can the genuine nurturance
of authenticity be tasted. Underneath all the personas there is a
big prize waiting to be claimed.
Even when they work, personas conceal authenticity. When we are
running personas, we are also running up a debt in the authenticity
account. The main costs of a persona are:
* We do not get to think. There is no possibility of fresh, creative
action when we are running personas. They are part of a script,
often one written long ago, and so they have a repetitive
predetermined pattern to them.
* We do not get to feel. Personas mask authentic feelings, so there
is a decrease in our aliveness. All feelings, both positive and
unpleasant, come out of the same faucet. To turn down the faucet
on pain is to slow the flow of pleasant feeling as well.
* We do not get to experience genuine love. When we are operating
from within a persona, we cannot give or receive the authentic
experience of love.
The major problem with personas, though, is that they force us into a
view of the world that is unreal.
When we are in touch with essence, we know that we have feelings and
personas, but we are not in their grip. When we lose touch with the
clear space at the center of us, it is easy to give too much weight
to feelings. If you are scared, for example, a deep connection with
essence can allow you to feel that feeling of fear instead of running
away from it. This is possible because you know that the fear will
not overwhelm you, that you have a space or context in which to hold
it. Essence gives us a sense of calm even when there are
disturbances at the periphery.
A deep connection with essence also gives us a larger context in
which to hold our personas. If our contact with essence is strong
enough, we can make use of a persona without its using us. When we
are running a persona but not aware that it is a persona, we lose
touch not only with essence but with the authentic feelings that
underlie the persona. When we form projections out of the persona,
we lose touch with the crucial fact that the persona is the only
reason we are seeing the world that way after all! Then we defend
our projections vigorously, instead of recognizing that they are
simply our distortions of the world.
# Chapter 3, Key Questions To Produce Rapid Transformation
Several key questions allow people to move from one level of being to
another. We call these Quantum Questions because the person has to
make a quantum shift in order to answer them. We teach people to ask
these questions as often as needed in their lives, in any situation
where change is desired.
Although a question is verbal, the Quantum Questions quickly lead
people beyond the verbal. In body-centered therapy a Quantum
Question produces a singular result: When a therapist asks a client a
powerful question, one that causes the client to shift levels, the
client's body reacts in a way that reveals crucial data that the
therapist can use to help the client. Breathing patterns and body
language shift unconsciously simply in the act of considering the
question.
The most important Quantum Question is:
> What are you experiencing right now?
This question always reveals a crucial piece of information.
The following Quantum Questions are more specific, designed to reveal
information about each of the four elements discussed in chapter 2:
projection, persona, feeling, and essence.
Because most of us think that our projections are the way things
actually are, the therapist cannot simply ask "What are your
projections?" If people can answer that question, they probably have
already stopped projecting. The quickest way to find out a client's
projections is to ask:
> What are your complaints?
For simplicity's sake, we have devised the Rule of Three. When we
find ourselves complaining about something three or more times
without taking effective action, we assume it's a projection.
These [following] Quantum Questions are designed to allow clients to
recognize that their projections are based on their personas. The
first basic question a therapist can ask is:
> Exactly what was happening when you started seeing the world this
> way?
Another way we sometimes ask this question is:
> When did the version of you emerge that experiences the world this
> way?
A second Quantum Question is:
> How is this situation familiar?
Another way to ask this question is:
> What does this situation remind you of?
This question is best asked when the person's fullest senses are
engaged in the projection. For example, we often have the person
exaggerate the projection through voice, posture, and gesture, so
that he or she gets the deepest sense of how the projection feels.
One of the profound characteristics of asking Quantum Questions is
that they often elicit resistance. In fact, a Quantum Question often
elicits the primal feeling that underlies the persona. This feeling
will often be directed at the therapist. This point cannot be
overemphasized: How a person reacts to the Quantum Question will
yield a clearer diagnosis than a whole battery of psychological
tests.
As people begin to see their personas with some clarity, it is useful
for the therapist to ask:
> Given this persona, what kinds of people are required to play the
> other actors in the script?
This [following] Quantum Question is designed to allow the client to
get in touch with the feelings on which her or his personas are
based. The question is:
> What were your feelings when you learned to experience the world
> this way?
[The feeling that first appears in response to a Quantum Question,]
we call a Lead Feeling... Often the client's Lead Feeling is not the
only one. There are frequently one or more Masked Feelings that need
to be explored. A Masked Feeling is one that is hidden behind the
Lead Feeling.
The Quantum Question for feelings may yield material that takes much
time to integrate. Often there are walls of denial and avoidance
that people must deal with just to gain access to their feelings.
There is also the issue of whether people are willing to go all the
way to completely experience and express their feelings.
It takes considerable practice to be able to experience feelings
rather than talk about them, but this skill is essential to opening
to essence. Essence is developed by giving ourselves permission to
be with our feelings and ourselves. Like any other skill, this one
takes time to cultivate.
Therapists can speed up the process a great deal by inviting their
clients to locate their feelings specifically in time and space. The
two questions that we have found most useful in helping clients pin
down their feelings are:
> Where are you experiencing this feeling in your body?
> What are the specific sensations you are feeling?
One of the most important Quantum Questions is:
> Exactly what happened?
Several Quantum Questions lead to essence. One of the most important
is:
> Can you conceive of yourself completely free of this issue?
Another is:
> Who is the you that was there before this problem occurred?
A third is:
> Would you be willing to feel and tell the truth of this event until
> it is complete?
These Quantum Questions are the blueprint for powerful therapy. Used
by themselves, without body-centered techniques, they will allow a
great deal of healing to occur. Therapists skilled in working with
the body will go far, far beyond these questions, however, into the
domains of breath, movement, and body language.
The body-centered therapist can move rapidly to essence by using the
techniques and principles introduced in the next chapter.
In summary, the absolutely crucial element for therapists to embrace
is that essence lies below all conflict. If we as therapists feel
this fact down in our cells, we can use practically any technique and
it will work.
We think that the main problem holding back the field is that
therapists operate from their beliefs rather than from essence. When
this occurs, therapists become their beliefs--their beliefs have
them--instead of realizing that all beliefs are like lifeboats in a
friendly ocean of essence. When therapists do not rest comfortably
in essence, they cannot see it effectively in their clients. This
shortsightedness may lead them to settle for their clients' simply
changing one overcoat for another.
# Chapter 4, Reading the Subtle Language of the Unconscious
# Through the Five Flags
All of us can benefit from learning to notice and understand the
signals of disharmony from mind and body. There are five readily
observable ways the bodymind sends out signals when unexpressed
emotions need to be felt and communicated. One term for these
signals is flags. The Five Flags can be seen in breath, movement,
posture, speech patterns, and attitude. These flags nearly always
communicate faster than the conscious communications, and they are
more reliable indicators of what is actually going on.
The Five Flags all indicate cracks in a persona. They point to
places where the stress of living in a persona is so great that a
tiny breakdown is occurring.
Because they are stress reactions, it is sometimes easy to think of
them in negative terms. But we encourage our therapy students and
our clients to think of them as friends, as winks from the soul.
## Breathing Flags
The first thing we notice about a client's breathing style is where
the breath is. The second thing we notice is how it is: it may be
labored, effortful, hesitant. Taken together--where and how--these
elements form a person's breathing signature.
In a relaxed state, breath ideally should move the lower abdomen
dominantly, with some movement in the chest. We call this pattern
Centered Breathing. It is deep and relaxed; it occurs at a rate of
eight to twelve times a minute.
The Aerobic Breathing pattern is in effect when we are physically
aroused but not frightened state--such as during exercise or sex. In
Aerobic Breathing the breath moves the chest and the belly together,
rapidly and deeply. Upon closer observation, there is usually more
movement in the chest. We will not discuss this pattern in detail,
because it has little relevance for therapy or personal growth.
The Fight-or-Flight Breathing pattern is a major source of difficulty
for human beings. When a person is scared, angry, or hurt, the
stomach muscles tighten, curtailing movement in the belly and forcing
the breath up into the chest. Breathing speeds up to a rate of
fifteen or more times per minute.
At this stage of evolution human beings have the ability to create
symbolic fears in their minds. By contrast [to cats and dogs],
humans have the ability to keep a steady stream of unpleasant images
coursing through their minds all day long, whether or not those
images have any relationship to reality. Our physiology responds to
mind-stuff just as it does to real-stuff.
Therapists are generally concerned only with Centered and
Fight-or-Flight Breathing. In our work we train people to notice
when their breathing shifts from Centered to Fight-or-Flight
Breathing. When they become skilled at noticing this shift, they
are able to discern better what emotions they are experiencing.
For a therapist, the easiest way to notice a client's breathing
pattern is to keep the eyes mainly on her or his chest and belly. We
have found that after an hour of training, nearly everyone can
reliably distinguish between Centered and Fight-or-Flight Breathing.
To observe how a client breathes, considerably more art and intuition
are required.
## Movement Flags
Three key areas in which movement flags appear are the extremities,
the eyes, and the position of the head. The extremities--the arms,
legs, and fingers--are perhaps the best place to observe movement
flags.
Similarly, the eyes (the proverbial "windows to the soul") are
movement flags par excellence. As the only place where the brain
fronts directly on the world, the eyes give a sensitive portrayal of
the inner world of the client. There are several easy-to-observe
movement flags that the eyes give off. One is averting the eyes.
When a certain subject comes up, do the eyes go up, down, or off to
the side? Is this a characteristic pattern, and if so, what is the
meaning of it to the client? Another frequent eye movement flag is
defocusing: The person "goes off," as if in retreat. A third such
flag, somewhat harder to see, is when the size of the pupil shrinks
or gets larger.
## Postural Flags
Chronic patterns of tension in the body gradually express themselves
in postural anomalies. This is a subject that could easily fill an
entire book. For the present discussion, however, we will focus on
three kinds of postural flags: left/right splits, top/bottom splits,
and front/back splits. Here are several examples of each:
* Left/right splits: One shoulder is higher than the other; one eye
more open or more closed than the other; one leg shorter or longer
than the other; the left hip higher or lower than right; one side
of the jaw more muscled or bulgy than the other.
* Top/bottom splits: Weight held in the hips and legs while the torso
is thin or underdeveloped; barrel chest with underdeveloped legs.
* Front/back splits: Pelvis pulled back while belly juts forward;
head pulled back while chest juts forward; head straining forward,
in front of torso and lower body.
It must be emphasized that as much as therapists would like there to
be a universal language of the body, there is none. Bearing this
point in mind, here are a few generalizations that we have found to
be true.
Left/right splits often reveal a male/female distinction in the
person's psychology. For example, if the person's trauma has largely
been with the mother rather than with the father, it tends to be
expressed in more tension on the left side of the body.
Left/right splits may also reflect our relationship with our
internalized male and female. As the Buddha said thousands of years
ago, enlightenment involves cultivating all of the feminine and
masculine elements of ourselves, regardless of whether we are
biologically female or male.
Top/bottom splits often reveal the difference between support and
expression in the person's psychology. The upper part of the body is
very expressive--the arms, the heart, and the head. The lower part
of the body is where most of us experience support or lack thereof.
Front/back splits often reveal a person's relationship with time. If
the head is forward, out in front of the body, the person may well
have a "hurry-up" script. This pattern can be contrasted with a
posture in which the head is pulled back. Frequently this type of
person is in retreat from life.
Another set of issues that emerges from the exploration of front/back
splits are those involving experiences and expression. The front
part of the body seems to be more associated with experience--most of
us feel our emotions along the front of our bodies. The back of the
body often holds more of the issues related to expression. This is
perhaps because it has the muscles involving pushing, a primitive
form of expression.
## Verbal Flags
The body-centered therapist must learn to focus on how clients speak,
as well as on what they are saying. How reveals personality quite
accurately--in fact, more accurately than what.
There are several key areas in which the therapist can listen for
verbal flags: tone, repetition, emphasis, and paraverbal
communications. Tone is the attitude the person is projecting into
the words themselves. Are the words issued in a challenging, hostile
tone? Or are they delivered as a supplication? Is the sound
grating, wheedling, or contemptuous? The ancient Latin roots of the
word personality are per and sona, "through sound." The actors on
the Roman stage wore masks, so that their personalities had to be
revealed through the sounds they made.
Noticing the repetition of words and phrases is a reliable way to
tune in to what a client's unconscious is saying.
Emphasis is another key area in which verbal flags may be noticed.
Which words or phrases does the client emphasize?
Paraverbal communications are all the sighs, sniffs, coughs, and
stutters that accompany words. The prefix "para" means "alongside"
or "by the side of." Once people begin to tune in to paraverbal
communications, they cannot help but be astounded by how much they
determine the meaning of human speech. Perhaps the most important
thing that we ourselves have learned about the paraverbal realm is
that these communications ARE the meaning of human speech. The
unconscious speaks its meaning "between the cracks," and it speaks
directly to the other person's unconscious.
## Attitude Flags
An attitude flag often involves a combination of the other flags,
adding up to an overall approach to life.
# Chapter 5, The Presencing Principle
Problems persist to the extent that we fail to be present with them
and with the feelings associated with them. When we can simply be
with an issue (rather than judging it or trying to change it), the
issue has room to transform in the desired direction.
Presencing is the nonjudgmental placement of attention.
There is a general human tendency to avoid presencing. There are
hundreds of different way to avoid, but only one way to become
present.
Being present is exquisitely simple, but most of our clients do
practically anything they can to avoid it.
Our feelings are locked into place by our resistance to them, and the
moment the resistance is dropped they have freedom to change. Often
the change is dramatic and immediate.
Most of us are fairly well addicted to the way things are, however,
and we resist experiences that could shake up the status quo. Being
present has a great deal of power in it: the power to alter
irrevocably the structures and assumptions by which we live. Of
course, most of us desperately want to change the status quo, but
before we can, we need to acknowledge the part of us that is deeply
invested in staying stuck in it.
For many of us, the initial wound to our wholeness was the withdrawal
of attention. Human beings need attention in order to grow and
flourish. Ideally this attention is a loving and responsive presence
that allows us to develop our unique being.
Concentration involves a narrowing of attention. In contrast, being
present is similar to keeping company with a good friend--or "hanging
out," as our son calls it.
# Chapter 6, The Fundamental Presencing Technique
There are two psychological moves that allow people to come into the
present and put the Presencing Principle into action. The first is
to take their attention from everything that is keeping it somewhere
else. The second is to place their attention on what is actually
present right now. By removing the attention from fantasies and
distractions, by placing it on something that is arguably right here
and right now, we immediately start moving at the speed of life.
The barriers to presencing are formidable. Imagine that you are home
by yourself, feeling lonely. Presencing would mean placing your
attention on your feeling of loneliness, noticing how you are
experiencing it on your body.
One of the most important learnings we see people make in therapy is
their discovery that they have the power to make an unpleasant
feeling disappear simply by being present with it.
The Fundamental Presencing Technique is to invite the person to put
her/his attention on a feeling or sensation as it is experienced in
the body. We use feelings and sensations in the body because they
cannot be argued about. By placing the attention on something that
cannot be argued about, the client presences the truth. The
resulting communication--the report--must be a simple description of
the feeling or sensation. We are interested in a specific experience
and description of the feeling or sensation, not an analysis of it.
In body-centered therapy, insight and analysis must always follow
experience.
# Chapter 7, The Magnification Principle
Many troublesome symptoms and feelings disappear rapidly when the
person consciously magnifies their frequency or intensity.
Magnification is also a reliable method of revealing the authentic
feelings beneath symptoms.
The therapist notices something--often one of the Five Flags--and
invites the client to make it bigger, to fight fire with gasoline.
What is the purpose behind such a seemingly paradoxical action? Why
invite someone to do more of something that is already an expression
of misery?
When the therapist welcomes the symptom or the problem feeling and
invites the person to make it bigger, the judgment of "wrongness" is
eliminated. Someone in the relationship--the therapist--has broken
through to a new reality, and the client soon follows.
There are several reasons why the Magnification Principle works.
First, it is a powerful way of making the unconscious conscious. The
unconscious produces an action of which the person is not aware--for
example, the twisting of a wedding ring--when magnification brings
consciousness to bear upon it. When the unconscious is greeted with
a welcoming embrace, a healing moment begins. Magnification is an
exquisitely simple and to-the-point method of bringing consciousness
to an unconscious element of ourselves.
Second, magnification breaks the "vapor lock" of a recycling symptom.
The unconscious tends to repeat itself over and over because it is
stuck in a pattern. ... These elements may repeat themselves
hundreds of times until something happens to break up the pattern.
Magnification does just that.
Third, the magnification of a surface symptom gives us direct access
to the deeper element just below the symptom. ... A superficial
mannerism must always be regarded as a flag of a hidden feeling.
Often these feelings are buried so deeply that they are far from a
person's awareness. By magnification of the surface symptom, the
person is able to clear space through which the deeper issue may
emerge.
Fourth, magnification gives full expression to something that the
symptom may be expressing incompletely.
The fifth reason magnification works is that the person who magnifies
a symptom or a feeling goes benignly out of control in order to do
it. Control is often what is keeping the symptom or feeling locked
into place. The willingness to magnify something risks going from
the unknown into chaos. The happy surprise for those who make the
jump is that there is a deeper order just beneath the chaos waiting
to support them.
At a more philosophical level, magnification works by inducing
transcendence by paradox. By pushing hard against a wall--a yang
activity--one eventually surrenders to an acceptance of one's
weakness, the yin concept.
There are places in therapy where the Magnification Principle is
clearly inappropriate. Three such areas are sex, physical violence,
and self-destruction. ... the therapist must take care to build a
clear distinction between the feeling and the action. Magnification
of the feelings underneath the expression is often a rapid path to
healing. But the client must not be encouraged to act out any of
these feelings, unless therapist and client can agree that the
expression will not hurt anyone.
# Chapter 8, Fundamental Magnification Techniques
The Magnification Technique that we use most is the
Flag-to-Magnification Process, abbreviated by many of our students as
Flag-to-Mag. This process involves picking up on one of the Five
Flags and inviting the client to magnify it.
Feelings can also be effectively explored and resolved through
magnification. We have found that feelings must be honored and
embraced, and there are few more effective ways of doing so than
magnification, in the Feeling-to-Magnification Process, the second
Magnification Technique. There are three main feelings that people
have difficulty expressing: fear, anger, and sadness.
# Chapter 9, Using Breathwork in the Healing Process
Breathing patterns precisely reflect the emotional difficulties
people are experiencing or have experienced in the past.
If we could do but one thing with people who are in emotional pain,
we would most likely focus on breathing--both ours and theirs.
So the first way we have learned to employ the Breathing Principle in
therapy is to notice when clients are using their breathing to
restrict their ability to feel or be with themselves in some way.
When we see this pattern, it leads us to one of two therapeutic
moves. We can zero in on the feeling they are denying, inquiring
into the fear, anger, or sadness that is being held back. We can
also intervene directly on the breathing, inviting them to break free
of the restrictive pattern by deepening the breathing, using the
Fundamental Breathing Technique described in chapter 10.
Although we have great respect for the healing power of breathwork,
we think the real potential of Breathing Technique is to make already
healthy people feel even better.
Centered Breathing directly enhances our ability to handle positive
feelings.
# Chapter 10, Three Fundamental Breathing Techniques
## Centered Breathing
The first Breathing Technique is the procedure for Centered
Breathing. It leaves the person feeling that the combination of
balance and relaxation best described by the word "centered." We
wholeheartedly recommend this technique to anyone who wants to feel
good.
## Basic Instructions
1. Lie down on your back. Bring your knees up so that your feet are
flat on the floor. Set your feet at a comfortable distance apart,
about 12 to 18 inches, and a comfortable distance from your
buttocks. Rest your arms on the floor, not on your chest or
belly. Take half a minute or so to get comfortable and let your
body settle down. During all this breathe slowly and gently. Let
all your movements be easy and gentle. This practice is designed
to stay always in the comfort zone. If you start feeling any
tension, pain, or dizziness, pause until it passes before you
continue. Unless your nosy is stuffy, always breathe through your
nose. If your nose is obstructed, it is alright to breathe
through your mouth temporarily.
2. Explore how the spine moves when you rock your pelvis slowly.
This is important because ideally your spine and your pelvis move
slightly with each breath. Coordinating your breathing with
correct spinal movement is a secret ingredient to staying flexible
as you get older. Here's how to do it. Gently press the lower
part of your pelvis into the floor. Notice that doing this arches
your the small of your back slightly. Do it gently. Continue to
press the pelvis into the floor, arching the back a little each
time. Now begin to press the tailbone more into the floor. Do it
very gently and slowly. Now slowly and gently flatten the small
of your back into the floor. Notice that this tilts the bottom of
your pelvis up. Slowly repeat this arching and flattening of the
small of your back. Notice that doing so rocks your pelvis. Keep
rocking your pelvis very slowly. Make it a smooth motion. Arch
the small of your back slightly, rocking the pelvis down toward
the tailbone, then flatten the small of your back. Let it be a
rolling motion, slow and easy. The movements can be very subtle.
No one even needs to know you're doing them. Do this slowly for
half a minute.
3. Now add your breathing to the movement this way. As you arch the
small of your back, breathe in, filling your belly with breath.
As you flatten the small of your back, breathe out. Don't strain.
Just breathe fully in and fully out, deeply and easily. Breathe
in as you arch the small of your back, filling your belly
completely. Then breathe out as your flatten the small of your
back, letting all the breath go. Roll the pelvis gently with each
breath. The movement only needs to be slight, just an inch or
two. Practice this now for a minute or so.
4. This combination of breath and movement is the fundamental thing
you need to remember about Centered Breathing. Whenever you feel
stressed or uncomfortable in any way, check your breathing. If
you find it is not deep and full in your lower-abdomen, and if you
find that your spine is not moving slightly with the breath, shift
immediately to Centered Breathing.
Continue practicing for as long as you like, then resume your normal
activity.
## Sitting Instructions
1. Sit comfortably upright in a straight-back chair. Begin slowly to
arch and then flatten the small of your back against the back of
the chair. Notice how doing this rocks your pelvis forward and
back. Let it be a slow, smooth action. Let it be easy and
gentle. Practice for half a minute.
2. Add your breathing to the rocking of your pelvis. Breathe in as
you arch the small of your back. Breathe out as you flatten it
against the back of the chair. Breathe your belly completely full
in a relaxed way. Let the breath go down and in, filling your
belly completely. Then as you breathe out, empty your belly
completely and flatten your back against the chair.
## Standing Instructions
1. Stand with your back against a wall. Feel your back contacting the
surface of the wall. Arch and flatten the small of your back
against the wall. Do it very slowly and gently.
2. As you arch the small of your back, breath down and in, filling
your belly. See how full you can get your belly without
straining. Then breathe out, flattening the small of your back
against the wall. Practice for a minute or two, doing it very
slowly and gently.
## Two Specialized Instructions
Sometimes people are not able to relax their abdominal muscles enough
to get a significant amount of breath down into their centers. [The
following instructions] are designed to help you relax the abdominal
muscles. These instructions are simply added to Step 3 of the basic
instructions.
As you breathe out, tighten the muscles of your abdomen. These are
the muscles you would use if you were blowing out candles on a
birthday cake. When you breathe in, relax these same muscles and
fill the area with breath. On the out-breath, tighten the belly
muscles again, expelling all the breath as if you were blowing out
candles. Get all the breath squeezed out, then relax the belly
muscles and fill the area with a big in-breath. Keep repeating this
sequence, slowly and gently, for the next minute or so. Then go back
to breathing normally.
The second additional instructions is designed to help people who
have lost the ability to sense the difference between belly and
chest. These instructions may be added to Step 3 of the basic
instructions if you need them.
Lying down on your back, place a book on your belly over the naval
area. The book should have enough weight that you can clearly feel
it. A hardcover book without the dust jacket is ideal; the rough
binding helps keep the book from slipping off your stomach. Breathe
slowly and deeply, making the book rise and fall with each breath.
If you cannot make the book move, add more weight until you can
clearly feel the area. Sometimes it takes people a few minutes to
figure out where their belly is. Be patient. When you begin to get
breath into your abdomen, take away the book. If you lose it, put
the book back. Most people will get it within a few minutes of
practice.
## Presencing Through Breathing
Breathing is one place in the bodymind where conscious and
unconscious meet. Breathing therefore is an ideal place to notice
any struggle going on between the conscious and the unconscious.
Most people use their breathing to control or subdue their feelings.
Children often hold their breath to keep themselves from crying. The
adult equivalent of this pattern is subtler but is basically the same
thing: By making adjustments in their breathing, humans learn to
control the amount of sensation that gets to their awareness. The
trouble is that it decreases aliveness and is followed by a
predictable loss of well-being.
## Magnification Through Breathing
Magnification Through Breathing uses breathing to make things bigger.
Breathing is the most direct method of magnifying any feeling.
When we use breathing to magnify a feeling, we are adding
consciousness to an unconscious pattern. The unconscious has
determined how much fear and anger you have. You didn't ask for it
consciously. Once you know it, though, you can consciously magnify
it. Paradoxically, magnifying it will either make it disappear, or
reveal what else is underneath the surface feeling.
## The Daily Breathing Program
The Daily Breathing Program, which takes only a few minutes, can be
thought of as a reminder. Practicing it in the morning will remind
your body and mind what correct diaphragmic breathing feels like.
Then you have a place for your breathing to come home to throughout
the day.
The Daily Breathing Program consists of three elements. First is
about two minutes of Centered Breathing. Second, the diaphragm is
relaxed and toned through a unique activity that allows this crucial
part of the anatomy to regain its full potential. Third is an easy
stretch that promotes flexibility of all major joints. All three of
these elements are best done lying on the back, although they can be
done sitting if that is necessary.
Step 1)
The purpose of this step is to establish correct diaphragmatic
breathing, and to coordinate the movement of the breath with the
movement of the spine.
Lie on your back. Bend your knees, placing your feet flat on the
floor a comfortable width apart. As you breathe in, arch the small
of your back gently and slightly. As you breathe out, flatten the
small of your back against the floor. Breathe slowly and deeply,
filling your belly full and gently arching the small of your back.
Breathe out slowly, flattening the small of your back into the floor.
Do this gently and slowly for about two minutes.
Step 2)
The purpose of this step is to relax and tone your diaphragm, the
large muscle in the center of your body that controls breathing.
Lie on your back. Bend your knees, with your feet flat on the floor
a comfortable width apart. Relaxing your abdominal muscles, breathe
fully in, expanding your belly as fully as you comfortably can. When
it's full and expanded, hold your breath. Without letting any air
out, contract your belly muscles, as if you were shooting the ball of
air up in your chest. Then shoot it back into your belly. Do this
rapidly, about once per second. Keep rocking back and forth between
belly and chest until you need to take another breath. Breathe
normally for 15 to 20 seconds, then repeat the above process. Do the
activity for about two minutes.
Step 3)
The purpose of this step is to relax and enhance the motion in the
major joints of the body. Breathing is much freer and more effective
when the joints are able to move more easily in conjunction with the
breath. This particular stretching activity is the most efficient
way we have discovered to promote joint flexibility.
Lie on your back, knees up, feet flat on the floor. Stretch your
arms straight out to your sides in a T position. Your arms should be
straight out, not pointed up in a Y position. Begin by rolling one
arm down the floor as the other rolls up. Let the arms stay on the
floor while you roll them up and down the floor. Do this a few times
until you get a fluid motion. Now, keeping the arms rolling, let
your knees drop toward the side on which the arm is rolling down. Do
this a few times until it becomes fluid and easy. Now, keeping the
arms and legs going, begin turning your head in the direction
opposite to the knees. Do this slowly and easily and gently for
about two minutes.
# Chapter 11, Using Movement in the Healing Process
Movement patterns precisely reflect the emotions that need to be
addressed. Movement indicates a client's degree of aliveness, and it
is a bridge to the inner self. Attention to movement is a powerful
door to discovery and transformation.
Our personalities are made public through our movements. Our
characters reveal themselves in the way we stand, walk, or start a
conversation at a party. Each of us has our own life-dance, our way
of moving through the world.
Breaks and gaps in our initial embrace of life are always accompanied
by contractions in movement.
Moving the way we feel, authentically, can actually build rich inner
experience as well as uncover what is false to ourselves. We
sometimes call the Moving Principle "inner movement" to distinguish
it from calisthenics and locomotion. The purpose of inner movement
is to reclaim both the wounded and the wonderful disowned parts of
ourselves. Simply by focusing inward and moving with our genuine
impulses, we trace and erase the original map of withdrawal. In its
place we create a new map of aliveness based on love and acceptance
of the full range of human possibilities.
When blocks occur, the expression of an impulse usually takes one of
two forms. Either it is incomplete, or it becomes polarized. For
example, a person may habitually leave sentences unfinished, while
another withholds impulses to reach out. In incompletion blocks,
clients are expressing only 50 to 60 percent of themselves.
When the expression of an impulse polarizes, we call it the Seesaw.
In this block the person experiences life as an either-or
proposition. The full range of expression is neither safe nor
comfortable, and the person tends to swing back and forth between
opposites.
For any person in any session, both of these blocks may occur. We
have isolated their characteristics to allow therapists to work with
Fundamental Movement Techniques that allow resolution of these two
different styles.
The central secret about movement therapy is that the process does
work. Once a client uses the Movement Principle, the body knows
exactly what to do. The therapist simply follows.
People become frozen around unexperienced emotions, broken
agreements, and unexpressed truth. Each time we do not tell the
truth, hide our feelings, or break an agreement, our bodies store
that information. Most of us are composed of layers of incompletion
that armor us from directly experiencing life. People often choose
to ignore their frozen bodies. Seeing and stating the
obvious--"Excuse me, but you have your head in the sand about
this"--begins the thawing process.
## An Experiment In Movement That You Can Do Right Now
During your normal activities one day, notice:
* how you move forward. Do you cut through space directly, taking
the shortest route? Or do you prefer to meander a little, stopping
to explore along the way? What shape does your body take when you
advance: jutting, rounded, compact.
* how you move backward. When do you feel the impulse to retreat?
Do you back up to make space for yourself (rather than moving
forward and inviting someone else to accommodate you)? When you
move backward, do you get smaller or larger inside? Do you feel
safer?
* how you get taller. What is going on around you when you make
yourself bigger? Are you with family or co-workers? Are you
comfortable being as big as you are?
* how you get shorter. When you have the impulse to "get small"?
What makes you want to disappear?
* how you flow through life. Are you a speeder or a lingerer? When
you move from one place to another, are you aware of the
transition, or do you wake up again when you arrive at your
destination?
The realm of movement is an ideal way to study the transitions in our
lives. The spaces between events reveal unconscious patterns very
quickly. Most people are totally unaware of themselves as they move
from one place to another: standing up, coming in the door, or
putting on a coat. What people do when they don't think they're
onstage (in other words, an out-of-persona experience) reveals core
patterns and attitudes very quickly.
There are little transitions, such as getting into the car, and there
are big transitions, such as getting up in the morning. The daily
shift from the unconsciousness of sleep to the consciousness of
waking life can evoke deep feelings of childhood or birth
experiences. A change in the normally orderly patterns can provoke
the original transition issue.
Our body image changes when we shift our attention from how we look
to how we feel, to how we experience moving and being.
Healthy people stand and move distinctively. Their gestures are
economical and complete. Their eyes sparkle with vitality and
presence; their skin color is radiant. Their standing body is
balanced and fluid, with seemingly endless potential for spontaneous
response to life's invitations. They express feelings fully and
congruently; their communication matches their inner experience.
They are inspiring to be around because they seem to magnify creative
potential in everyone they contact. People feel better, lighter,
happier around them. Perhaps the most distinctive feature of a
healthy moving body is flow. Each movement impulse flows from its
source through toned muscles to the periphery of the body in a little
dance unique to the expression.
Healthy people are always inventing themselves. They tend not to get
caught in mannerisms, and they have a large range of possible
movements. Instead of the three-to-four-hundred-gesture vocabulary of
most people, they branch out closer to the three thousand possible
movements we can make. ... They stand out as models of what can be.
Instead of getting lost in content we are noticing context, the
movements and body attitudes that repeat.
# Chapter 12, The Three Fundamental Movement Techniques
The movement techniques build on a knowledge of movement flags which
were introduced in chapter 4. Basically, a movement flag is a
gesture, or larger movement that is inconsistent in some way with the
client's communication, a gap or bulge in the surface flow of
interaction. Movement flags are the semaphores of the unconscious.
They signal to us "Pay attention to this!"
Very simply, a movement flag is a movement that does not fit. It
does not quite make sense in the overall context.
Even if you never intend to become a therapist, the study of movement
flags can open rich areas of exploration and deeper inner experience
for you.
* Facial tics: These include grimacing, pouting, or screwing up part
of the face.
* Scratching: This interesting movement flag often signals
irritation. The therapist can often look like a magician by asking
the scratching client: "Were you irritated about that?"
* Picking: This flag has several subcategories. Clients may pick
their fingernails, cuticles, or other body areas, lint from
clothes, or debris from the couch or rug, to name a few common
patterns.
* Smoothing: Smoothing also occurs in several domains: hair or face,
clothes, and the area directly around the client. One particularly
useful gesture to notice is smoothing the rug in a wiping pattern.
One client recently identified her unconscious attempt to "smooth
things over" in her marriage when this flag emerged.
* Holding movements: Clients often hold their neck or arm in a way
that carries some emotional charge. One hand may hold or restrain
the other repeatedly. Clients may cross their arms as they hold
themselves. Any part of the body may be held during a session when
material arises that involves that area.
* Brushing motions: Clients may brush off an arm, brush a hand
through the hair, brush imaginary crumbs off the front of the body,
or make a brushing-off motion that repeats during conversation.
* Rocking: This often-subtle movement flag is frequently a signal
that the client is experiencing feelings and sensations from early
in life. Clients have found rocking movements to be a way of
comforting, grounding, reassuring, protecting, and isolating
themselves. Rocking is easy to magnify, and it connects the client
directly to early care-giving issues.
* Self-touching: This movement flag occurs frequently, and it often
underscores the issue being discussed. Clients often feel that
touching reassures them that they are present, stops feelings, or
grounds them. Some have noticed touching themselves in the ways
they were touched as children.
* The "hinge-cringe": When clients are fearful or avoiding, they
frequently contract in a cringe-like movement, especially at the
joints of the body. As their body shrinks, the clients also report
feeling smaller inside. We notice that overweight people often
make space for themselves by backing up and shrinking rather than
by asserting their personal space by moving forward.
## The Moving Microscopic Truth
The Moving Microscopic Truth, the first Movement Technique, is the
Presencing Principle in action. This way of moving allows a bridge
between inner experience and outer experience. Essentially, it is
movement that matches feeling, sensation, or thought.
We use the Moving Microscopic Truth in nearly every session because
of its power to connect clients with issues quickly.
The therapist can support the Moving Microscopic Truth both verbally
and nonverbally by matching the client's experience. Here are some
phrases [prompts] that we have found useful:
* "Let yourself move your hands (or feet, or face) to match that
sensation you're experiencing right now."
* "Let yourself paint that quality in the space in front of you."
* "Notice just the way it is right now. Move to match that."
* "Allow your hands to sculpt the shape of that feeling."
* "Let yourself open up to just what you're experiencing right now."
* "I notice your hands picking your sleeve. Be aware of what you're
feeling as you do that."
* "Let that movement be as intense (big, sharp, full, etc.) as you
feel inside."
* "Let your stomach speak directly through your hands."
* "Say yes to that feeling in your body."
* "Take on that character in your walk. Walk the way that feels
inside."
## Magnification Through Movement
The basic direction of Magnification Through Movement, the second
Movement Technique, is "Do more of what you are doing." When a
movement flag occurs in therapy, magnification is often the simplest
and most effective intervention. It is especially powerful with
movement flags because the small, idiosyncratic movements we all
display are the tips of the icebergs of memory, incomplete
interactions, and unfulfilled potential. Magnification Through
Movement allows the client to discover the personal meaning of
gestures and habitual patterns.
The following are phrases we have used to invite magnification.
* "Let yourself do _____ more."
* "Continue _____ and make it bigger."
* "Make that _____ even more intense."
* "Exaggerate your _____ and notice what else happens in your body."
* "Let more of your body express that _____ feeling."
* "Take that _____ all the way."
* "Breathe into that _____ feeling more deeply, and move with that
_____ sensation."
## The Polarity Process
The third Fundamental Movement Technique, the Polarity Process,
builds a connection between the either-or experiences that many
people have. These polarities, which are often persona strategies,
can be united in a new synthesis that fits the person's essence more
accurately.
The directions for the Polarity Process are often very simple. Some
questions we have used are:
* "What is the opposite of the sensation?"
* "What's the other side of this issue?"
* "If you didn't (strike out), what would happen?"
* "Let yourself become the (good boy), then the (bad boy), back and
forth several times. See what happens as these two parts
dialogue."
* "Let both of those impulses move at the same time."
# Chapter 13, The Communication Principle
A problem will persist until someone tells a fundamental level of
truth about it. When the truth is expressed, there is room for the
problem to transform in a healing direction. The truth is defined as
that which cannot be argued about.
Each of us can recall as children trying to figure out what is true.
## An Experiment In Communication You Can Perform Right Now
Participants in our workshops find this experiment very valuable.
You can do it with a partner or by yourself. For two minutes, say as
many sentences as you possibly can that meet the following criteria:
Each statement must be something that no one could argue with. They
can be either simple or profound, from "I have a tie on" to "My
father moved out of the house when I was five" to "My mouth is dry."
Say as many things as you can that are so true that they cannot
produce argument.
If you are like our workshop participants, you will find that
communicating the truth for two minutes is harder than it sounds.
If a given communication continues to produce conflict, it means that
there is a deeper level of truth that needs to be communicated. We
call this the Communication Principle.
This principle is vitally important for all of us to understand. As
human beings, we need to discover what the truth is under all our
distortions of it.
After decades of inquiry, we developed a working definition of the
truth. By "working definition" we mean one that works. It works by
stopping conflict inside people and between them. It works by
restoring harmony where there has been trouble. The truth is what
cannot be argued about. The truth, when it is revealed, resolves
arguments both within ourselves and between ourselves and others.
We developed a process definition of truth: If it produced an
argument, it was not a deep enough level of truth. We would keep
communicating at deeper levels until all disagreement ceased.
The truth does not always being people together. There are many
people who simply do not belong together; for them, facing the truth
is a prelude to a separation. In the same way, many people have
changed jobs after acknowledging some unarguable truth about their
work.
As we often tell our clients, there are only three rules for making
life and relationships work: Feel your feelings, tell your truth, and
keep your agreements.
Each of these three rules involves communicating the truth. When we
do not allow ourselves to experience our feelings, we are lying to
ourselves. When we do not tell others our truth, we are lying to
them, even when we are not actually expressing something false. When
we break an agreement, only the truth will fix it.
Learning to speak the kind of truth that heals has been compared by
many of our clients to learning a new language.
A great deal of human misery stems from hopelessly confusing concepts
with truth.
## The Main Defenses Against Seeing And Saying The Truth
* Denial. Some people simply refuse to look at the truth. They find
more security in denial, looking the other way. They show all
signs of being angry--clenched jaws and terse words--but when asked
about it they say "No, there's nothing wrong."
* Illusion. Others pretend the truth is something other than what it
is. They may chant affirmations or put on a happy face to pretend
their anger doesn't exist. Their security comes through clinging to
their illusion.
* Distortion. Still others distort the truth. Their "I'm angry"
becomes "All you therapists are alike, always ganging up on me."
* Executing the messenger. One of the most troublesome habits we see
in therapy is when people get mad at the person who brings them the
truth. Some clients even shun their families and friendship
networks because everybody seemed bent on delivering the same
message, something like "You're ruining your life by drinking too
much."
* Dramatization. Some people dramatize the truth, seizing upon a
small grain of reality and blowing it up into a soap opera or fuel
for the gossip mill.
* Not knowing how to access truth. Another difficult problem is that
many people have had their truth defined for them by others for so
long that they have no idea what is real and what is not. Someone
else's concepts have been superimposed on the truth, and the two
have become indistinguishable.
Most defenses can be divided into two broad categories: those that
are directed toward other people, and those that take place inside
ourselves. In the first category are projection, aggression, and
passive aggression. In projection someone else is made wrong, blamed
for the issue that really lies inside the person. Aggression may
take the form of actively striking out at another person, through
verbal, emotional, or physical intimidation. It may also be
expressed through self-destructive behavior, like drinking or drugs,
that inconveniences other people. Passive aggression attempts to
control others through being unresponsive, as in the prototypical
uncommunicative and sullen teenager.
The defenses that operate inside ourselves, accounting for much
drained energy, include repression, dissociation,
overintellectualizing, overcompensation, and displacement.
Repression allows us to edit out uncomfortable feelings and thoughts,
either forgetting that they existed in the past or acting as if they
were not happening in the present. If we use dissociation, we might
escape into fantasy or into a succession of new jobs and new
relationships. In overcompensation, a person with anger and
sexuality problems goes to the opposite extreme and joins a monastery
where celibacy and silence are the rules. If we were to use the
displacement defense, we would choose some other channel to express
the energy missing from the true source.
A third category of defenses are sometimes referred to in
professional literature as "mature," because these defenses are
generally not troublesome to self or others. These defenses include
altruistic sublimation, hope, suppression, and humor. In
altruistic sublimation, we take our minds off our own issues by
helping other people or by performing some kind of useful work
[service]. When we use hope as a defense, we deal with a difficult
present by keeping our attention focused on future possibilities. A
healthy person might use suppression to develop a stiff-upper-lip
attitude.
As your awareness increases, however, you may want to notice whether
your use of the mature defenses is costing you intimacy or
productivity.
We know we are hearing the truth when we hear statements about the
quality of feeling.
We know we are hearing the truth when we hear statements about the
exact nature of sensations.
# Chapter 14, Grounding and Manifestation
The end-point of any effective therapy comes when people are able to
stand their ground in the face of the roller-coaster that is life, to
translate their learnings into real-life action, and to manifest what
they truly want rather than what their past has programmed them to
want. When therapy works, the client owns the principles needed to
lead an effective life.
In our work, grounding as a strategy has several levels of meaning.
The first is purely physical. When a therapy session ends, clients
should feel they have their feet on the ground: they should feel
connected to the earth. They should also feel grounded in their
ability to make contact with other people and the world around
them.
Grounding has a second meaning for the therapist: Has the client
connected the learnings from therapy to the real world? Unless
insight is translated into action in the real world, it is usually of
little ultimate value. Some clients, in fact, are insight addicts,
using therapy as a substitute for living effectively in the real
world. With these clients it is especially important to press for
connecting the breakthroughs in therapy to new plans of action.
A third meaning of grounding is more metaphorical. Ultimately,
grounding depends on a balance of experience and expression. Human
beings become ungrounded when they either experience more than they
have expressed, or express more than they have experienced. In daily
life most of us experience much more than we can express.
## An Experiment In Grounding You Can Do Now
Sometimes, if the person has gone on an extended excursion to the
inner and outer realms, we use a technique we call the Fundamental
Grounding Technique. In this technique you walk in place rapidly,
crossing the midline of your body with your arms and legs.
Specifically, you alternate touching your right hand to your left
knee and your left hand to your right knee. This technique causes
your brain to process information rapidly from right to left
hemisphere, bringing about a state of integration. Most people feel
a noticeable shift in positive feeling within ten or twenty seconds.
[This is why the military and cults are so fond of routines that
resemble marching.]
Manifestation is the act of turning dreams and desires into
reality.
## An Experiment In Manifestation You Can Perform Right Now
Pause for a moment.
Ask yourself: What do I really want?
Consider three areas first: Relationship, Health, Material Goods.
Come up with one item you would like in each of those areas that you
presently do not have.
Effective therapy results in people being able to generate what they
want more rapidly and effectively. Unless clients' inner changes
show up in the real world of their daily lives, more work needs to be
done.
[Faith without works is dead.]
In touch with essence, human beings want things that are healthy and
helpful to themselves and others. Operating from the level of
persona, however, they often want things that create disharmony in
their bodies as well as in their relationships.
There are three barriers that we frequently encounter in therapy that
prevent people from manifesting what they want. The first is that
what they want is not REALLY what they really want. Because of our
unmet childhood needs and the traumas of life, many of us want things
that are unattainable or that would be outright toxic to us.
A major key to healing addictions is finding out what authentic need
the addiction is covering up. A great deal of work is often
required... to find out what they really want, the things that would
truly serve them.
A second barrier to manifestation is that most of us think in terms
of what we do not want rather than in terms of what we want. [So
true!]
A third barrier to manifestation is that people often cannot get past
where they are because they have not loved themselves for being
there. The best place to start any process of change is from a space
of love.
## Basic Steps to Manifestation
We have found that the most important step in getting what you want
in life is stating what you want in a positive way. If there is one
principle in which we have to remind our clients (and ourselves) most
often it is this one. [Appreciative inquiry]
One of the most important grounding and manifestation techniques we
use is to get the client to develop and commit to a plan of action.
[Next step] Requesting action on the client's part turns her or his
attention toward the outside world.
A plan of action grounds you because you acknowledge exactly where
you are, then commit yourself to a specific way of getting what you
want.
Finding out what you want, as opposed to what you don't want, is both
a grounding and a manifestation technique. It grounds you because
you have to look deeply inside yourself to get the information. It
has manifestation power because the positive images of our desires
have the greatest likelihood of producing positive results.
# Chapter 15, Love and Responsibility
At its best, human action begins in love and culminates in
responsibility. Most of us would like our actions to be conceived in
love and carried to completion in ways that have integrity.
## An Experiment In Love And Responsibility That You Can Do Now
Think of something you have struggled with in yourself--perhaps it's
your weight or your fear of speaking in public. Let your mind settle
on this one thing so that you are clear about what it is. Now think
of someone or something that you know for sure that you love.
Perhaps it's a certain loved one or an action like riding your bike
in the country on a sunny day. The only requirement is that you have
reliably felt love in the presence of this person or thing. Let
yourself feel that love in your body and mind right now. Now take a
leap: Love that thing you have struggled with just as you love the
person or thing that you know for sure you love. You may say, "But I
hate it." All right, then love yourself for hating. Then love it.
Greet it with loving acceptance.
Now for the responsibility part of the experiment. Acknowledge
yourself as the source and creator of the problem you have been
focusing on. Let's say you are focusing on your weight. Even if you
come from thirteen generations of overweight ancestors, you can
choose to take responsibility for your weight now. Responsibility
begins the moment you take it. You don't have to wait for anything
to happen before you take responsibility.
-----
Love is the action of being happy in the same space as someone or
something else.
Love involves being happy with no as well as yes. In our own lives
as well as in our clients', we have found that love is made up of
equal parts of acceptance and limits. It is essential to feel good
about both. If you are good at saying yes but not at saying no, you
will suffer from many boundary problems.
Love is about happiness within ourselves and a willingness to go
great lengths to support other people's quests for happiness. Our
definition implies that we always have the power to be happy if we so
choose, even though we may not be able to predict or control the
situations that we find ourselves in.
Responsibility is being fully accountable for your actions. It is
also the act of claiming that you are the source of whatever is
occurring. When we are responsible, we are accountable for what we
do and we identify with the cause of it. True responsibility, then,
connects us to the heart of the universe because with it we are
allying ourselves with the source of creation.
There are several kinds of resistances or barriers that people
maintain that keep them from loving themselves.
Human beings have an astonishing ability to construct logical
supports for even the most ridiculous beliefs.
Confusion is one of the main types of mental resistance that people
display when we ask them to love themselves. Sometimes their
confusion is about what love feels like.
Another type of confusion comes when we are not sure we have ever
felt love. On deeper inquiry, many of them find that they have
blocked out love that was actually there, because they were resisting
some other feeling like anger, shame, or sadness. But even after
considerable work on themselves, some people find that they actually
do not know what love feels like. In these cases they simply have to
make it up for themselves. They have to design a feeling inside
themselves that they can call love.
The quickest way to discover your emotional barriers to love is to
love yourself, and notice what feelings bubble to the surface
immediately thereafter. If your self-love has no emotional barriers
you will simply feel loving toward yourself. If blocks are there,
feelings may come to the surface that you have used to resist love in
the past.
Body barriers to love are harder to discover without outside help.
People who are tense, for example, usually do not think they are.
They have lived with tension for so long, they think that is the way
life is. Usually it is only when symptoms appear that they begin to
inquire into their tension.
Simply put, people are usually too tight or too loose--just right is
hard to come by. Both excess tension and slackness result in body
amnesia. People forget how to feel in given areas of their bodies,
but years of body amnesia result in the loss of life's meaning and
richness.
True responsibility involves making mental leaps that most of us are
unaccustomed to making. The first leap is simply to see connections
between events. For example, you may notice that you get a sore
throat before you give a speech. If you are taking no
responsibility, you may look outside yourself for the
culprit--perhaps an offending microbe. A responsible answer might
be: "I didn't want to give the speech, and my unconscious must have
picked up the message before I did and made me sick." But if you are
like some of our clients, you will get mad at the people who ask you
such a question. People have been known to fire friends who dared
imply that they had some responsibility for the events of their
lives.
A second unfamiliar mental leap is to notice a connection between
events without adding any excess emotional baggage to it. The
suggestion that their emotions might have something to do with their
sore throat, for example, immediately makes some people feel guilty.
There is something about admitting responsibility that triggers guilt
in some people, as if they should have known better. Others get
hostile when asked to look at the connections between events in their
lives.
Another major kind of barrier to taking responsibility is that many
of us are still stuck in replaying situations in which we were in
fact victimized decades in the past. When the opportunity arises for
us to take responsibility for something in the present, our minds and
bodies immediately return to the past, to when we were authentically
victims. Our grown-up consciousness recedes, and trapped in the mind
and body of a child--often an infant or even a fetus--we are unable
to seize the reins of power over our present lives.
People who are anchored to past incidents and traumas find it hard if
not impossible to take responsibility in the present. When we bring
this issue up at seminars, several hands usually shoot up in the
audience. The question the person asks is roughly the same, whether
we are in Auckland, Oshkosh, or Austria: "Do you mean to say that a
three-year-old is responsible for her daddy coming home drunk and
beating her up?" Or: "Do you mean to say that the Jews were
responsible for being persecuted by the Nazis?" Of course not, we
reply. We are saying just the opposite. There was very likely a
time when the person was authentically victimized, powerless in the
face of the persecutor. Because that experience was not completed
emotionally and psychologically, a pattern was set in place that may
be affecting how their lives and relationships go now.
But here is the clincher: Regardless of the past, it is essential for
us to take responsibility now. Now is the only time that matters.
One of the worst aspects of New Age thinking is that normally bright
people get fascinated by concepts like reincarnation--in their
attempt to explain why they repeat certain patterns--rather than
throwing their whole energy into transforming their patterns right
now. In fact, unless all energy is focused on the now, the
responsibility-taking enterprise usually fails.
People construct their view of the world in large part through the
language they use. Some people keep themselves locked into
impoverished roles in the world through the choice of language that
does not claim responsibility.
After searching for many years, we have come to an understanding of
responsibility that gives maximum empowerment to the individual. We
believe that everyone has the power and freedom to change how they
perceive the world. We believe that everyone can change the way they
feel about anything. All of us come equipped with an ability to
sense our connection to infinite being, and to identify with the
source of the issues that face us. Only by claiming our connection
with the source of the problems in our lives can we claim connection
to the power and glory that awaits us if we take full responsibility.
Very few of us have the self-esteem necessary to embrace this level
of responsibility. We shrink from claiming contact with the source,
thinking that we are made from some other substance than the rest of
the universe. By separating ourselves, we dwindle to a shadow of our
former selves. Then our existence becomes impoverished, life a
shadow show.
# Epilogue, Choosing Integrity
There are three things a therapist needs to be successful: integrity,
effective strategies, and love. But no strategies, no matter how
powerful, will produce reliably good results unless the person who
practices them is grounded in integrity and love.
Neither love nor integrity is easy to understand, much less master.
In therapy every week we are called upon to say yes. Clients, one
after the other, come in with something that needs accepting. We
help them to say yes to it, to welcome it into the totality of
themselves. We are also called upon to say no.
Integrity has three main components, the first two of which are
straightforward: We do what we say we will do. We do not what we say
we will do not. Both are important to therapists, so important that
laws have now been established in most states requiring that
therapists discuss certain issues in initial sessions.
A third component of integrity may hold the key to the first two
components. The original Latin root of the word integrity refers to
a quality of wholeness or soundness. It is this meaning that we are
speaking of here. Integrity is the extent to which we are aligned
within ourselves. How well is the fit between our intentions and our
actions? Are our feelings in agreement with our thoughts, so that
there is a quality of unbroken wholeness in ourselves? To what
extent do we tell the truth about what is going on inside ourselves?
Without inner alignment, there will be no ultimate integrity.
When we have integrity, we get to feel more alive. Not keeping
agreements costs aliveness.
We would like all human beings to taste the degree of aliveness that
is possible when love, integrity, and effective techniques are
applied as a harmonious whole. There is truly nothing like it we
have experienced in the realm of healing.
author: Hendricks, Gay & Kathleen
(TXT) detail: gopher://gopherpedia.com/0/Gay_Hendricks
LOC: RC489.M53 H46
(HTM) source: https://hendricks.com/at-the-speed-copy-pdf/
tags: book,non-fiction,self-help
title: At The Speed Of Life
# Tags
(DIR) book
(DIR) non-fiction
(DIR) self-help