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       # 2024-01-29 - Skills For Intimate Conversation by Dr. John Gottman
       
       # Rule
       
       The rule is that understanding must precede advice. In the Art &
       Science of Love Workshop, Drs. John and Julie Gottman tell couples
       that the goal of an intimate conversation is only to understand, not
       to problem-solve. Premature problem solving tends to shut people
       down. Problem solving should only begin when both people feel totally
       understood.
       
       # Skill 1: Putting Your Feelings Into Words
       
       The first skill is being able to put one's feelings into words. This
       skill was called "focusing" by master clinician Eugene Gendlin. He
       said that when people are able to find the right images, phrases,
       metaphors, and words to fit our feelings, there is a kind of
       "resolution" one feels on one's body, an easing of tension. In
       intimate conversations, focusing makes conversations about feelings
       much deeper and more intimate, because the words reveal who we are.
       
 (DIR) Focusing by Eugene Gendlin
       
       # Skill 2: Asking Open-Ended Questions 
       
       The second skill of intimate conversations is helping one's partner
       explore her or his feelings by asking open-ended questions. This is
       done by either asking targeted questions, like, "What is your
       disaster scenario here?" or making specific statements that explore
       feelings like, "Tell me the story of that!"
       
       [IOW the classic news reporter questions:
       Who? What? Where? When? Why? How?]
       
       # Skill 3: Expressing Empathy (Validation)
       
       The third skill is empathy, or validation. Empathy isn't easy. In an
       intimate conversation, the first two skills help us sense and explore
       another person's thoughts, feelings, and needs. Empathy is shown by
       communication that these thoughts, feelings, and needs make sense to
       you. That you understand why the other person's experience. That does
       not mean that you necessarily agree with this person. You might, for
       example, have an entirely different memory or interpretation of
       events. Empathy means communicating that, given your partner's
       perceptions, these thoughts, feelings, and needs are valid and make
       sense. You have your own perceptions. Both of your perceptions are
       valid. 
       
       [And NVC teaches that even a failed attempt at empathy is a better
       start than no attempt at all.]
       
 (HTM) From: https://www.gottman.com/blog/dr-gottmans-3-skills-and-1-rule-for-intimate-conversation/
       
       tags: article,connection,self-help
       
       # Tags
       
 (DIR) article
 (DIR) connection
 (DIR) self-help