writing more on paper. want to have more feelings. feeling unproductive. gotta
stay focused.

--




!! CONTENT NOTE
   this entry talks a lot about tattoos, and describes some potentially graphic
   imagery (body or otherwise) relating to tattoos













i'm writing a paper on tattooing practices and indigenous identities and this
just makes my skin itch for more tattoo. i want images pounded into my skin,
shapes and lines that remind me of truths i have learned and growth i've
accomplished.

the more i read and think, the harder it is for me to see tattoo aversion as
much more than just another face of racism. not for people who don't want
tattoos of their own, i mean. i mean, people who take all tattoos as
representing something bad, something crude, something undesirable.

once, i was talking about my tattoos with a non-tattooed person, and after
listening for a while, his friend decided i was someone he shouldn't mess with.
'nah, nah,' the one i was talking with said. 'that's just someone who's learned
something about themselves. that's good. you don't have to know what it means.'

i have to think about what i've learned recently that needs to be on my skin.
that needs to be between my body and what is not my body.

--

some tattoos i've wanted recently:

* a really vivid/gross caterpillar; i am extremely phobic of caterpillars, and
  i want to carry one with me all the time so i can look at it or think about
  it whenever i want, and exert some control over that part of myself
* a moth; wherever i go, any time of the year, i look towards the moon every
  night. i think about how that's the same moon everyone else sees when they
  look up. i think about how the moon is cold and dead, but reflects enough
  light from the distant sun that on some nights it's as clear as day.
  sometimes, it's more clear than day.
* a flaming rabbit; there's a story about a rabbit that offers its body as
  food, and i have a picture in my head of the rabbit diving into the fire to
  cook its own flesh. there's another story about a rabbit that builds a wall
  of tinder at the mouth of a cave in which a monster slept, and burned itself
  in the process of killing the monster. i remember the first time i watched a
  video of self-immolation as protest. i wonder if i will ever know if there's
  a moment for me to stand up as a sacrifice.
* patterns; to fill in some space, to color in some skin. to forcibly change my
  external appearance. when i was in high school, i'd sharpie across my arms
  and hands, weaving patterns to calm myself. that they eventually faded away
  was often a relief, because it gave me room to start over and correct
  mistakes, but maybe i have grown enough to earn blocking in more parts
  permanently.

--

i miss the feeling of fresh ink spilling out of my skin while my body heals. i
can feel it, the slow rejection of extra material mixed with plasma. i bled
during my last tattoo; i felt it when the machine kicked too hard, and saw the
blood pooling around my tattooist's gloved fingers. during a previous session,
i'd asked him if it ever bothered him that he caused people pain when
tattooing. 'no,' he replied gently. 'i'm more worried i'll do a bad job and
mess up the tattoo.'

some pain is brief. some consequences last a long time. the part where i bled
is still visible to me; the lines there lose sharpness, spreading deeper into
my skin without the fine control of the patterns near them.