2023-08-06                         from the editor of ~insom
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   In October 2022 I caught COVID. I want to say it was a mild
   case because I don't think I have any long term effects -
   and of course, because so many people have died of it - but
   it is also just about the worst that I have felt in a very
   long time.

   I spent four or five days essentially alone, trying to keep
   from passing it on to my family. I slept sporadically, read,
   listened to long-form essays. I was in our spare room and
   the leaves were late into changing. I had a great view of
   them through two windows. I realised how lucky I was.

   I felt extremely down. I remember one point where I thought
   that if I died that would be fine - I'd had a good life and
   have no big unfulfilled wishes. My children are grown, my
   wife would be okay.

   That thought was probably the single thing that lead to me
   seeking out therapy, which has made a huge positive change
   in my life and wellbeing. After years of mastering all sorts
   of skills (mostly for money, sometimes for fun), I had to
   learn how to be content and how to let myself experience
   joy.

   After some more reflection, I think that those four days
   stuck in the spare room are the closest thing I have ever
   had to going to a retreat. Yes; I was fevered and sick and
   taking medicine and not exactly in the right frame of mind.
   But I was also just ... alone with my thoughts for an
   extended period in a way that never happens.

   I've read about people going on retreats - not being sure it
   would be for me. My father and my brother did a pilgrimage
   to Lough Derg. It is three days of fasting and quiet
   contemplation, barefoot - including a 24 hour vigil. It
   never appealed to me before.

   I take the time regularly to sit with my thoughts, think
   about how I'm thinking. I journal, I take notes, I record
   memos of how I am feeling. I try and do more of the good
   things and less of the bad things.

   Maybe I need to find a way to have these long detoxifying
   periods in my life, without catching a respiratory disease.