W A R N I N G : This post contains negativity, cynicism, and unhelpfulness. If
you're the sort of person triggered by things like this, we'll all be happier
if you go away now. Thanks.

I normally don't really comment on the happenings in the phlogosphere, because
things there can get confusing and self-referential really quickly, and because
I highly doubt that anyone there reads my infrequent little blatherings here,
anyway.

But earlier this week I stumbled across some posts promoting an idea so
terrible it made me physically cringe, repeatedly; an idea so horribly
misguided it's almost painful. And I know the expected norm is to try to ignore
things you disagree with, or to somewhat hypocritically offer support and
encouragement for the parts of such an idea as you don't find abhorrent. I'm
sorry, I really am, but... I can't. They mean well, I'm sure, but... no. Just,
no.

A post on gopher.black:

gopher://gopher.black:70/1/phlog/20190416-gopher-conlang-yes-please

...alerted me that hyperboreddoubt over at tilde.pink wants to create a conlang
for the tildeverse. Reading that post:

gopher://tilde.pink:70/1/~ff69b4

...things are actually worse than they already sound, believe it or not. It
turns out that hyperboreddoubt wants to create a "collaborative secret language
for the Tilde/Gopher community". As an example of what they want to do, they
invite readers to check out the collaborative conlang "Common Honey". (Protip:
please don't.) Another page on their phlog:

gopher://tilde.pink:70/1/~ff69b4/gloss.gph

...invites suggestions from readers, noting that "no linguistic experience is
necessary", and that they will eventually attempt to sketch out the language
from "common consensus".

As an aside here, let me just say I don't hate conlangs. I'm posting
instructions on how to curse in Novial, one of the sillier and more obscure
conlangs of yore. You want to make yet another one, you go right ahead. You
want to do so with zero linguistic experience? That's your right, and I'm not
going to stop you. Far be it for me to police how you get your kicks. But, for
the love of all that is good in the world, don't try to make a "secret
language" for the Tildeverse. No. Just, no.

After ruminating on this for a couple of days, here are my objections to this
endeavour, in no particular order:

1. The Tildeverse needs a(nother) secret language like a fish needs a bicycle.
The Tildeverse already has a nigh-incomprehensible argot that's off-putting to
many. We speak of fish and bash, of vi and ed and joe, of tmux and screen, of
irssi, of UUCP and XMMP and Universal Greeting Time. This is mostly all
second-nature if you're a *nix user with a fair bit of experience, but for
those who aren't, it's clearly confusing and unwelcoming. Inventing a new
secret language is just going to increase the insularity of the existing
community and make it less approachable, less inviting, to new members.
Terrible idea.

2. I know that the Tildeverse is awash in socialists, and people of
less-radical bent obsessed with crowdsourcing, but at the risk of sounding
exceedingly cynical, one of the guaranteed ways to make a bad idea (in this
case, a secret language for the Tildeverse) worse is to let it be designed by a
committee. "Common Honey" is a perfect example. It's a needlessly
over-complicated language, now unavoidably tied in with a bizarre "creation
myth" that smells faintly of cultural appropriation, and which has since been
expanded to involve, apparently, laser-wielding giant snails. I wish that was
the most cringe-inducing part of the language, but it's not even close. Conlang
by public committee: just say no.

3. Even if it's not really a "secret" language but a sort of IAL, the
Tildeverse doesn't need it. It's got a perfectly good lingua franca already
(English), and every translation tool in the world supports it. If you want to
(somewhat pointlessly) promote an unofficial IAL for the Tildeverse, Esperanto
has well-deserved criticisms, but I know there are at least a handful of people
who speak it already in the Tildeverse, as well as numerous resources available
for learning it. It's even supported by one or two pieces of translation
software, making it far, far more accessible to people than some new, evolving
conlang-by-committee. Failing that, arguments could be made for Latino sine
flexione that would be dozens of times better than for some nascent
language-in-development.

4. Supposing, despite the reference to a "secret language", you didn't really
want a "language" that's actually "secret", but just wanted some sort of slang
to be used within the Tildeverse (which I still think is an atrocious idea),
the world's already got, e.g. Polari; at Wikipedia you can vade the many bona
lavs, if that's your idea of a dolly time.

5. If you don't want to make a whole language and don't insist upon secrecy,
the Circumlunar Space network has adopted the kind of retro-futuristic language
of Schismatrix, to which one can pretty freely make additions, so long as the
meaning is intuitable from context. Want to autocraft words? The Republic or
Zaibatsu will adwelcome you with open arms.

In summary: if you want to make a conlang, you go right ahead. Just please,
please, please don't try to promote it as the "secret language" of the
Tildeverse, or Gopher. It's a terrible, terrible idea.

Thanks for reading, and have a dolly bona day.