Returned to Meditation ====================== I've been feeling like I have a distinct lack of a sense of self. It's not well-formed, I chameleon all the time to whoever I'm nearby and when I'm alone, I search for who I am in my past. I watched a Dr. K stream on C-PTSD (it was an interview with a viewer) and learned that in the indian belief system, there are 5 "goshas" (no idea how to spell that). Basically 5 layers of a person. And to heal a would on a specific layer, you need to use a cure fit for that layer. So, a purely physical injury needs physical treatment, while an emotional wound needs something else. The five layers are: - Physical - Energetic - Emotional - Intellectual - Spiritual C-PTSD symptoms involve wounds to multiple layers, but what stands out about C-PTSD in particular is that it hits the *spiritual* layer. When someone has PTSD, they go through a one-time traumatic event, which may or may not lead to their identity as a person to be damaged (spiritual wound). However you could go through that event starting out as a whole person and end as a whole person + all the trauma. With C-PTSD, the trauma is continual. It's not a one-time thing. This damages your sense of self. Now I'm still not sure I have C-PTSD. I could, but I'm not sure. I think it looks similar at least because I have a spiritual ailment. I grew up Christian. I *loved* God. I had spiritual experiences and I loved it, for a while. Until I got fed up with always feeling obligated to other people at my own expense. I ended up feeling like a pawn, and eventually stopped feeling like God was on my side. I feel like I have unfinished business there, but I don't think I can really go back to it in the same way, or even a similar way. Anyway, meditation is a way to heal spiritually. It connects you with a core sense of being that I think will help me. There are lots of different practices to try, but currently I'm thinking of doing 20 minutes, say, 3 days a week. Any more is just bonus to train my brain faster. I just meditated and had some ideas. First, I tried breathing meditation, but this isn't very easy for me. I respond well to audial meditations. One I learned from Dr. K is to meditate on the *faculty* of hearing. It's very strange. You sort of investigate what it feels like to hear; you explore the gestalt of the sensation of hearing. This one is awesome to do almost anywhere, quiet to medium-loud. Doing it while it's raining is really nice. You can cover one ear at a time to get a more focused experience too which can be even better. Anyway, the ideas were first to create a regimented daily schedule. Normally I'm very opposed to this idea. I have this sort of... almost a child-like voice that is upset that I'm trying to stifle him. I get it, but I want to get the benefits of the regiment while retaining some freedom, and especially creativity. See, I have real difficulty feeling like my creativity and well-being is actually worth spending time on. Since my teen years, being a "good person" has meant sacrificing myself. But at this point I don't even do that much stuff for other people. I'm not judging myself, it's just that this idea that I'm somehow being a good person by not supporting or loving myself is *flawed*. All I'm doing is sacrificing myself for *nothing*. It's just evidence of a spiritual emptiness. It's the question of "why do that for myself?" implying that I as a human am not worth it. From (https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-live-your-dharma-true-purpose-the-path-to-soul-level-fulfillment/): 'In the evening, stand in front of the mirror and—looking at yourself in the eyes—say, “I love you, [say your name]. I love [say three things you like about yourself], and you deserve all the good things life has to offer.” Try it for thirty days; it may change your life.' ^ This is very similar to some metta (loving-kindness) meditations I've come across. I feel like this could definitely shift some things in me. Anyway a possible schedule might be: 8a - Alarm - Scrape tongue, wash face - Brew and drink some tea - Drink water 9a - Breakfast - 20m meditation 11a - Snack 1pm - Lunch - Imbibe helpful media (like do one of Dr. K's modules, or watch a video I'm been meaning to watch) 10:00pm - Brush teeth, wash face 10:30pm - No screens. This is hard. What I'm hoping for is that I can view this as part of my duty to this human being that I am. Can journal, draw, write lyrics (crazy thing to do, be randomly creative, wao), play music, read, bullet journal. - Loving-kindness meditation toward myself (as above from tinybuddha). ... The problem is that I work at Starbucks. My shifts can start at 9am or at 4pm. Well, I guess this works for days that start later. If my shift starts earlier, the morning stuff and night stuff can still apply, but I might have to get up earlier. Wrap-up ======= Anyway. This is always scary because I tend to get spooked by the idea of depersonalizing or losing my personality in the process of meditation and letting go of my attachments. But I don't have a solid understanding of who I am right now anyway, and the understanding I do have is from looking back and yearning to be my child self again. He's not bad *at all*, it's just like... I might be like that under the hood. I may be very similar to my child self when I feel more free and uninhibited by identities and feelings. But I'll never get there and I'll never learn what I'm actually like by clinging to the past. I need to see me, this person, now, in the present, to learn who I am. Godspeed and namaste, y'all. ~Soda