I guess life is finally asking me whether I want to do this or not. I have long internally complained about not having been given a choice over whether, where and in what society I want to live. I mean, I'm not complaining about being a white male with no obvious or overly relevant disability. But I don't know if I like to be a human. I haven't thought about it enough to come to a conclusion because there is no point in realising that I don't want to be human, when I just am and will stay a human. But anyway, what I have been internally complaining about is that I was made and born at all without having been asked, and that it is predetermined how I should live my life. The first isn't really an issue. It's just theoretically unfair. But now that I already am alive and a relatively healthy animal formed by evolution, I don't want to die. But <em>how</em> I want to live is something I could decide on. I just haven't seriously because life just happened without any decision-making input from me. I'm too slow i
n making decision. It's so complicated to make decisions, other people or the situation I'm in at the time or whatever it is, usually won't wait for my decision. So now I work a normal full-time job, live in a normal flat in a normal city under normal people. All things that I dislike.

I didn't go to work today. I tried, but I didn't let myself. I can't explain why or how. Neither can the doctors that I went to see. I can't even explain it to myself. I definitely won't be able to explain to my boss why I'm ditching work and not even telling them. I don't think I can come back from this. I might not get fired. But it won't be the same. Especially because this isn't the first time that I'm home "sick" without an explanation or a doctor's note.

So now that I'm in a position in which I feel forced to make a decision, I might consider finally ditching this life and start to live the life I really want. Or at least try. What a fucking scary thought!