2020-07-18 // a plea for existential excitement (re: xiled)
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xiled writes [0]:

> "Existential Dread." I came across this term today on a t-shirt and
> it basically sums up what has been tugging at me over the past few
> months. I notice it daily and see that it is still there. I think I
> have been marinating in it. I think that at some level, the whole
> world has been marinating in it, whether it be existential dread,
> existential anxiety, existential angst, existential crises, etc.
> Whatever flavour.
>
> "Why does what I do matter?"
>
> "Why does any of this matter?"
>
> "Why am I even here doing this thing with the family, with the shelter
> in place, with the masks, with the music, with the food, with the
> electronics, with the work, with the computer?"
>
> "Why do I dump in the gopherz, boost on the mastodon, /me on irc,
> hax0rz da sh3llz script, tune in to dar intarwebenz basement,
> V A P O R da W A V E Z ? "

Man, if that isn't a mood sometimes. Sometimes, I think, technology is
escapism from the gnawing dread of existence. Often, when I do something
as simple as taking out the trash, the brilliant hues of a beautiful
sunset snap me out of it. Ultimately, everything is impermanent, despite
our brains' machinations to pretend otherwise, and that realization can
be freeing. I am reminded of the practice of creating sand mandalas [1],
painstakingly beautiful artwork made with sand, whose very existence is
a testament to impermanence. We are not much different from that sand,
which is soon blown or swept away.

What, then, is the *purpose* of any of this? Still deeper, why must
there *be* a purpose? What is the consequence of there not being a
purpose? I think existential dread is a consequence of our egos trying
to validate their own existence. It's a trap, there is no spoon,
and existence is both the purpose and utterly inconsequential.

On danger of approaching nihilistic hedonism, perhaps attempting to
enjoy our time here is all we can do. We are taught to find meaning;
children who have yet to grapple with "purpose" are perfectly content to
play games and make-believe their own stories into existence. Somewhere
along the way, perhaps in deference to joining the labor pool, we lose
that naive and innate happiness and replace it with the shame of not
doing "enough."

So, here is a plea: if you struggle with purpose, realize that you're
already enough. The gap between who you are and who you think you should
be is fraught with unnecessary dread. It is also a keen source of
motivation. But, please, define that gap yourself. In a sense, we always
define that gap; any expectations foisted on us are perpetuated by us.
We become our own jailers. The key has always been in the door. The only
difference between a jail and a home of the mind is that of ownership.

Finally, I'd like to share Brené Brown's TED talk, "Listening to Shame":

    https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame

kvothe@SDF.ORG

[0]: gopher://sdf.org:70/1/users/xiled/phlog/2020/20200717_ex_drd
[1]: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBrYUlOYK0U