Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 07:37:33 -0400 Subject: Attempt to return Chocula to Cincinnati It is now 7:30 A.M. I am slap-happy, and trying to waste time in a positive direction. So I decided in these manic moments, since I can never find chocula around here, to do something about it. I have just written General Mills (a very important person in the Counts dark legion, probably one of just a few Generals. The Admiral's name is undisclosed thus far... I'll keep you posted) Anyway, I am tiredly babbling away, and need to send some word on my progress before the sun rises. In closing, I ask others to aid me in my cause and report on your progress. You can do so by writing the General through his personal home page at www.generalmills.com (this is strictly confidential). The letter goes as follows: - ---------------------------------------- Dear General (sir): I live in an area that is completely void of 'count chocula'(tm) cereal. It wasn't allways this way, I do remember having it here a long time ago, although I was never allowed to eat it (my parents were baptists). My parents were concerned that such things would warp my fragile mind, and I could not eat or buy anything that catered to the dark side of breakfast. Every once in a while, if I was good, my grandmother would buy the cereal when I stayed the weekend. This was our little secret, among other things. Anyway, when I was old enough to have my own place, I was heartbroken to find that there was no "Count Chocula" (tm) in the stores near me (I live Cincinnati... go figure). I have looked high and low, praying to the powers that be that I could find one store that was not controlled by the local moral majority. I have found none, and would really like to find somewhere local to me that carries the cereal my dark heart yearns for. What I am wondering is, do you have a listing of stores in the area that carry "Count Chocula" (tm). Are there any IN Cincinnati, or do I have to drive to get find some? If there are none in driving distance, could you maybe use your powers to manipulate the minds of the totalitarian regime that controls this area's cereal purchasing? I would tell no one. Though 'others' around here have lost sight, I still have the utmost faith in the counts ability to perform such a task, even from a distance. By the way, I noticed you are in Canada and have to ask, were you always located there? If not, was this to seek refuge? I think the threat of the televangelists is now long gone, but you probably already have a nice castle up there anyway.. Eh? This also makes me wonder, has the count adapted the local language. I mean does he add "Eh?" to the end of everything. I would imagine that it would sound a bit funny to me since I have never left the states. Has "Blah! Blah!" changed to "Blah! Eh? Blah! Eh?" or just "Blah! Blah! Eh?" or has it remained the same in the name of tradition? If you cannot free up the "Chocula" supply lines, is there at least someplace where I can find Count chocula merchandise? I am thinking maybe a T-shirt. P.S. if you have any "Count Chocula" (tm) shirts or promotional items to send, could you please add one more of each for our allies? - Yours in darkness(sir) - Myke Life is the Beta version of Hell ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 28 Sep 2000 02:17:20 -0400 Subject: The Count (CNTD) + possible sainthood - -------------second letter to the General--------- Dear General(sir) I realize things are probably difficult on the front, and even now you are probably busily planning the Ohio invasion as I write this. I fear that I may be interrupting you, but I can not be sure that my message made it through enemy lines, as I have not yet recieved a reply to my previous letter. I also wanted to inform you that a fellow champion of the cause brought good news today. It seems that "Count Chocula" (tm) has actually managed to slip through the baracade, and onto the shelves of the a nearby "Target" (tm) store. "Count Chocula" (tm) minions and other monster cereal loyalists from our area are now planning a pilgrimage to this mecca of things dark and sugary, in order to see if this sighting has merit. If this vision is a true one, I will then have another dilema: Truly the Count is lord, but he also appears to work for you, "the General". Because of this, I need to find out if this operative who sighted the chocolaty grail should be up for a promotion, sainthood, or both. It has been a long time since I have read the sacred box, and the encrypted scriptures contained within the puzzles on the back. But I am guessing that the count's guidelines for sainthood would be written elsewhere, probably within the grimior or business plans of the unholy order. I am really hoping for the sainthood angle, as I have already planned out the ceremony involved. It is because of this, I have turned my pantry into a church for fellow followers. We were thinking "Our lady of chocolate milk" had a nice ring to it, naming it in honor of the one who found the unholy "target" (tm) bounty. I figured it would be best to check with either you or the Count first on the matter. If all is 'go', I can then prepare the bathtub with milk for the sacred 'lactism' ceremony. I believe that if the operative is a true saint, the count's dark blessings should turn the milk either brown or black. If this does not work, we will then look towards the next option: There is also the option of "knighting", since the operative didn't actually PERFORM the miracle, and would probably hate to be given credit for the mysterious workings of the Count (though there are those here who would argue that the finding of the cereal is miraculous enough). Just in case we go with knighting, I turned the city upside down, and found a giant spoon for just this purpose. We would like you to do the honors, but again,you are probably too busy for this. I propose a proxy 'sainting' or 'cocoanization'(?), which I would be honored to perform. All that aside, I do have yet another question. Should "Count Chocula" (tm) be eaten in the morning, when I am ready to turn in, or at night time when I wake up? Anyway, I should let you get back to scheming, but we would really appreciate your input on these matters. - Your mortal servant(sir) - Myke P.S. (sir) in my shortsightedness, I forgot to add my mailing address when I requested the T-shirt, and other "Count Chocula" (tm) promotional items, merchandise, and parephenalia. I, being a "Chocferatu" myself, have a build much like the counts (tall and slender). So, even though I am pretty thin, I still would need a large(L), or extra large(XL) sized shirt, which I would wear proudly. Anyway, I have remembered to add my emailing address this time just in case. ------------------------------