Title: Choices and the Future
Created: 2022-07-23
Author: zlg

It appears that I have not visited the Zaibatsu proper since April, and my last 
post was in May. A number of things in my personal life happened, that are 
rather momentous and have left me wandering what the next chapter in my life 
will be.

In short, I was able to negotiate a trip for my daughter to visit me. It was
a big deal, because we hadn't seen each other in person since 2014. She and I
had been talking and connecting for over two years, but I learned within two
weeks of her being here that she wanted nothing to do with me and lied about
being interested in seeing me. Since she is old enough to make that decision, I
accepted her decision and sent her home. She never told me why she felt the way
she did, or what I did that was a problem, even when I tried to talk with her
about it. It came as a huge shock, since she was onboard with everything before.
In any case, I'm now pretty much a sponsor instead of a parent. :/

In the middle of this, my Switch and games were stolen when I went to pick her 
up at the airport. So, I'm out the effort of dealing with the ex to arrange a 
nice trip, about $1300 for the trip itself, and another $1100 or so worth of 
merchandise stolen. My partner and her mother were rather upset and bewildered 
at the about-face as well. "Demoralizing" doesn't begin to describe the 
clusterfuck the past few months have been for me.

I've tried to focus on the positive in this time. More free time to spend
with my partner and double my efforts at finding better employment. More time
to catch up with close friends. More resources to devote to people who might
appreciate me. I've worked on a few projects, and got supplies to put my bike
back on the road for some exercise. But, I can't pretend this failure doesn't
hurt. I've wondered what would bring a child to do something like that. I can
only imagine what was promised or said to her by her other family, or the
friends that she hangs out with on Discord all the time.

Only five years left.

- - -

So, that's a good time to make a five year plan, right? I've heard of those.
They seem alright. But what goals fit best in five years? What goals *should*
you put into a five year plan? If you have the tuition capital and a steady
income, you can do a Bachelor's program in four years. I'm not sure that path
is correct for me, however. I don't have anyone who could help me learn the
specific social skills needed to excel. I can do the school work itself, but the
human side of things is difficult for me. I've decided to instead try to focus
on getting back to where I was financially a year ago, continue on my video game
backlog, and continue learning game development.

I've wanted to make video games since I was a toddler. I don't think I want to
make them professionally, given how toxic the industry is. It'd just be nice to
be able to say "I've made a complete video game and understand what goes into
making them."

That's kinda where I sit right now. I know the psychologically responsible
thing is to take care of myself, focus on what makes me the most effective
person I can be, find a way out of the rut. Why is that so hard to do? Why is
it hard to think of yourself as needing care, and just do it? Controlling my
focus feels like wielding a ten foot long sword. Highly effective when it does
actually strike, but is so hard to get going that it sorta gets dragged around
in practice.

- - -

Not everything's been bad. I'm getting closer to finalizing a game mechanic I've 
been working on, to be integrated into my first proper game. I already have a 
small library of code for PICO-8, which makes prototyping way faster. Once I 
improve my textbox code, add dialog options, a cutscene system, and collision, 
I'll have what I need. The long slog of asset creation will begin after that.

My partner and I have been watching shows together and found enough time to beat 
ToeJam and Earl, so that's nice.

I also have some upcoming ideas for content, once a few technical details are
sorted out. We'll see how things go.

Until next time.

-z