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# 2023-12-14 - Polysecure by Jessica Fern
A friend recommended this book. While i have heard of attachment
theory, i have never read it so clearly explained before now. This
book gave me some serious food for thought about my own attachment
styles. I would recommend this book for anyone who is or plans to
be in a relationship, even if not a polyamorous nor romantic
relationship. I was very interested to read about the different
types of emotional regulation, and recognized the patterns described,
both in myself and in others whom i know. This will take time to
digest and integrate, and i am sure it will affect how i think about
relationships in the future. Great result, for a book!
Below are notes with my comments in square brackets.
# Foreword
## Eve
Literature on polyamory has come a long way since The Ethical Slut
and Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits were first published in
'97.
Options began to proliferate in the late 2000's, with books like
Opening Up and many lesser-known titles. ... this wave of polyamory
practice presumed the centrality of a primary couple and popularized
a hierarchical model in which primary partners were to have rights
and safety that secondary or casual partners were not granted to the
same degree.
Then, in 2014, my co-author and I published More Than Two, attempting
to distill the last decade's worth of debate into an instruction
manual that promised a non-hierarchical, more egalitarian way of
thinking about polyamorous relationships.
## Naava
I watched, fascinated, as Fern firmly drew connections between
attachment theory and ethical polyamory with grace, style, and wit.
Fern's intervention is a ground-breaking development in the
trajectory of writing about ethical polyamory and relationships.
The tools provided here will be helpful for those who are practicing
ethical polyamory; they will also help those who are monogamous, who
also navigate dating, communicating needs, and making decisions about
commitment. Polysecure expands on the existing literature in a
significant--perhaps even paradigm-shifting way.
Fern is uniquely qualified to write this book. She is a
psychotherapist who is nonmonogamous and works with nonmonogamous
people and families. She holds a masters in conflict analysis and
resolution.
# Glossary
Compersion: The state of happiness, joy, or pleasure that comes from
delighting in other people's happiness. In nonmonogamy, this term is
more specifically used to refer to the positive feelings experienced
when your lover is having a positive experience with one of their
other lovers.
Consensual Nonmonogamy (CNM): The practice of having multiple sex
and/or romantic partners at the same time, where all people involved
are aware of this relationship arrangement and consent to it.
Metamour: Two people who share a partner, but are not romantically or
sexually involved with each other.
Monogamy: The practice of having one sex or romantic partner at a
time.
Mononormativity: This term was coined by Pieper and Baver to refer to
the socially dominant assumptions regarding the naturalness and
normalcy of monogamy, where political, popular, and psychological
narratives typically present monogamy as the superior, most
naturally, or morally correct way to do relationships.
Polysaturated: The point at which the thought of another relationship
leaves one feeling more exhausted than excited. When a polyamorous
person has as many significant and insignificant others as they think
that they can handle at a given time.
# Introduction
Attachment theory was developed in the 1960s by British psychologist
John Bowlby, but in the past several years, it has expanded its reach
outside of the academic and therapeutic spheres, becoming more
popularized in general public discourse regarding personal healing,
parenting, dating, marriages, and relationships.
Part 1 covers an overview of attachment theory and trauma.
Part 2 looks at the interaction of nonmonogamy and attachment theory.
Part 3 switches modes into a more practical look at what you and your
partners can do to cultivate secure attachment in attachment-based
polyamorous relationships.
# Chapter 1: An Overview of Attachment Theory
Healthy attachment is a deep bond and an enduring emotional closeness
that connects people to one another across space and time. As human
infants, we are born into this world with an attachment system that
wires us to expect connection with others.
When an infant feels fear, distress, or discomfort, there attachment
system is activated. This prompts them to quickly turn towards their
caretakers or use proximity-seeking behaviors such as crying,
reaching for, calling out or, later, crawling and following their
attachment figure. All these behaviors are attempts to restore
feelings of safety, and in many cases to restore actual safety, too.
If the child receives the support, reassurance, and comfort they need
from their caretaker, their nervous system then returns to a state of
calm homeostasis. Infants and children who can't yet fully regulate
their own emotional states depend on their caretakers to coregulate
for them... As children, we want to know that our attachment figures
are nearby and accessible. We need to know that they will provide us
with a safe haven to turn to when we need them, which then gives us a
secure base from which we can explore our environment. When our
attachment needs are being met, this system enables us to feel
comfortable and free to explore ourselves, others, and the world
around us.
If their caretakers are able to meet most of their needs enough of
the time, children usually have a secure attachment. But if they
experience their parents as inconsistent, in accessible,
unresponsive, or even threatening and dangerous, they adapt by
developing more insecure attachment styles.
As children, when we feel afraid, threatened, or in need, and seeking
closeness with our parents is NOT a viable option because they're not
available or because turning towards them doesn't make things better,
we learn to rely more on ourselves. We become more self-reliant and
we minimize our attachment needs. When we deactivate our attachment
systems, we suppress our attachment-based longings--not because we
don't still want closeness and connection, but in order to adapt and
survive. [This is the deactivation strategy. Another strategy is
hyperactivation.]
Both of these strategies can also occur simultaneously, meaning a
child may experience both hyperactivation and deactivation, or may
vacillate between the two survival strategies.
When children experience secure interactions with the adults in their
lives and function from a secure attachment style, they also tend to
have better self-esteem, be more resilient to trauma, have stronger
social skills, concentrate better, enjoy play, and have solid overall
emotional health. Through these nourishing experiences, a child
develops a sense of safety and trust. They take in the messages that
the world is a friendly place and that they can ask for what they
want because the people in their lives care and are willing to help.
People with a secure attachment style experience a healthy sense of
self [we matter] and see themselves and their partner in a positive
light [we are worthy of love]. Their interpersonal experiences are
deeply informed by their knowledge that they can ask for what they
need and people will typically listen and willingly respond. It's
empowering to know that our actions are effective. As adults, this
helps us be more flexible when our partners can't meet our needs.
Bowlby conceived of the parent-child attachment relationship as
having four essential features:
* proximity maintenance
* separation distress
* safe haven
* secure base
Two additional changes in adult attachment compared to parent-child
attachment include:
* mutual caregiving
* sexuality
For securely attached people, "dependency" is not a dirty word, but
a fact of life that can be experienced without losing or compromising
the self.
... securely functioning adults are also comfortable with their
independence and personal autonomy. They may miss their partners
when they're not together, but inside they feel fundamentally alright
with themselves when they're alone. In other words, securely
attached people experience "relational object constancy," which is
the ability to trust in and maintain an emotional bond with people
even during physical or emotional separation.
Another important aspect of secure attachment is that, when
distressed, a person can both emotionally regulate on their own, and
can also co-regulate and receive support from their partners. People
functioning from a secure attachment style are better able to take
care of their own needs as well as ask their partners to help out.
Attachment theory is not about parent blaming. Disruptions in
attachment can occur for various reasons outside of the attachment
figure's control...
Your attachment styles are survival adaptations to your environment
and since they were learned, they can also be unlearned.
Attachment styles are not rigid identities to take on.
You might relate to more than one style.
Your attachment style is not an excuse for abuse.
## Avoidant / Dismissive Attachment Style
In adulthood, having a deactivated attachment system includes not
only minimizing one's own bids for care and attention, but also
having a diminished ability to pick up on and register attachment
cues from others.
Part of this deactivating and distancing adaptation is the
dissociation from lived experience.
Statements that someone with a dismissive attachment style might
make:
* My autonomy, independence, and self-sufficiency are very important
to me.
* I am generally comfortable without close relationships and do well
on my own.
* I want to be in relationships and have some closeness with people,
but I can only tolerate closeness to a limit and then I need space.
* I prefer not to share my feelings or show my partner how I feel
deep down.
* I frequently don't know what I'm feeling or needing and/or I can
miss cues from others about what they are feeling or needing.
* I feel uncomfortable relying on partners and having partners depend
or rely on me.
* I either struggle with making relationship commitments or if I do
commit, I may secretly have one foot out the door (or at least have
the back door unlocked.)
* I am very sensitive to any signs that my partner is trying to
control me or interfere with my freedom in any way. (And I don't
like the word "sensitive").
* I see myself or others as weak for having needs or wanting comfort,
help, or reassurance.
* During disagreements or conflict I tend to withdraw, shut down,
shut out, or stonewall.
* I do well with the transition from being together with people to
then being alone again, but once I've been alone for a while I can
be slow to warm up to others or struggle with the transition from
being alone to entering back into connection with someone.
## The Anxious / Preoccupied Attachment Style
Hyperactivating the attachment system ramps up the desire for a
caretaker, amplifying the child's attention bids as a way to capture
a parent's attention.
When used to characterized an adult, anxious attachment is called
preoccupied. People with this attachment style demonstrate an
intense focus and heightened concern about the level of closeness in
their relationships. The partner of someone with a preoccupied
attachment style may then feel like this constant tracking of
relational mis-attunements and mistakes is controlling of them.
A person with a preoccupied style can be uncomfortable, even
terrified, of being alone.
From their partner's perspective, the needs of the person with the
preoccupied attachment style may seem insatiable.
Similar to people with a dismissive attachment adaptation, people
with the preoccupied adaptation also have difficulty identifying and
describing their own emotions. Someone with a preoccupied style has
more awareness of both their feelings and their partner's feelings,
but they still struggle with differentiating and communicating their
feelings and with managing their emotional responses in healthy ways.
Also, although they're more aware of their partner's feelings,
they're not necessarily reading those feelings accurately.
Statements that someone with a preoccupied attachment style might
make:
* I am comfortable with connection and usually crave it more than my
partners do.
* I am very attuned to others and can detect subtle shifts in their
emotional or mental states.
* I often worry about being abandoned, rejected, or not valued
enough.
* I tend to overfocus on my partners and underfocus on myself.
* When I am going through something, I tend to reach out and turn
towards others to make sense of what I'm experiencing or to make
myself feel better.
* I need a lot of reassurance that I am loved or desired by a
partner; however, when my partners give me reassurance or show
their desire for me, it either doesn't register for me or I have
trouble receiving and believing it.
* I tend to commit to relationships and get attached very quickly.
* I get frustrated or hurt if a partner is not available when I need
them.
* I get resentful or take it personally when a partner spends time
away from me.
* I do well with the transition from being alone to being together
with partners, but I struggle when going from being together to
being alone again.
* I tend to hold on to resentments and have trouble letting go of old
wounds.
## The Disorganized / Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style
Children with a disorganized attachment style have attachment system
that seems to be hyperactivated and deactivated at the same time. ...
they seem to lack a coherent organization of which strategy to
employ, often vacillating between the anxious and avoidant insecure
attachment styles.
The disorganized attachment style is most commonly associated with
trauma and it typically arises when a while experiences their
attachment figure as scary, threatening, or dangerous.
The predominant factor leading to this style in childhood is having
parents who are suffering from their own unresolved trauma or losses.
When a parent has a history of unresolved trauma, they are more
easily overwhelmed by life's demands and emotionally flooded by their
child's emotional states. Unable to regulate their own emotions,
parents with a history of unhealed trauma, neglect, or abuse--might
then act out, lash out, or completely tune out in ways that are scary
to the child. Research has shown that approximately 20 to 40% of the
general population has some degree of a disorganized attachment
style, and approximately 80% of children who have experienced abuse
develop a disorganized attachment style...
In adulthood, the disorganized attachment style is referred to as
fearful-avoidant. People with this style of attachment experience a
clashing fear of either being too close or too far away from their
partners. People with this style are easily overwhelmed by their
feelings or are subject to what I call emotional flare-ups, where
their intense emotional states can take over, disrupting their
ability to function and, at times, taking others down with them.
When trauma occurs, there is a rupture with the foundational
relationship a person has with their self. This severed internal
relationship with the self needs to be restored so that the person
can go on to trust and value themselves, as well as begin to trust
others again. When this type of healing has yet to occur, people
functioning from the fearful-avoidant attachment style will tend to
see themselves as broken and unworthy and will expect that others are
untrustworthy or will only hurt them in the end.
# Chapter 2: Different Dimensions of Attachment
low avoidance
|
secure | preoccupied
|
low anxiety ------------------+----------------- high anxiety
|
dismissive | fearful
|
high avoidance
Another way to conceive of the attachment dimensions is not through
their "dysfunctions," but through their strengths and desires.
<-- isolation <-- autonomy | connection --> fusion -->
This figure shows how the drives for agency and communion can go
beyond their healthier manifestations and turn into either
self-alienation or self-abandonment.
To navigate our relationships from a place of health and wholeness,
we need to learn how to manage these seemingly contradictory drives.
## Boundaries and the Giving and Receiving of Love
Our boundaries are the ways we protect ourselves physically,
mentally, and emotionally.
Healthy Boundaries: Being connected and protected.
Porous Boundaries: Being connected but not protected.
Rigid Boundaries: Being protected but not connected.
According to Solomon, when our boundaries are porous on the input, we
are "absorbing," and when they are too porous on the output, we are
"intruding." When our boundaries are too open from the outside in,
we are being too wide open. When our boundaries are too open from
the inside out, we become intrusive to others, trying to inhabit
their skin or meddling too much in their business. Intruding also
includes crossing or ignoring other people's boundaries, especially
when those lines have been articulated.
When our boundaries are rigid on the input, we are "blocking" and
when they are too rigid on the output we are "restraining." When our
boundaries are too rigid from the inside out we are obstructing input
from others, whether that is their love, attention, feedback, or
reassurance. When our boundaries are too rigid from the inside out,
we restrain ourselves from expressing what is true for us,
internally.
# Chapter 3: The Nested Model of Attachment and Trauma
The word trauma comes from the Greek word "wound," which was
initially used to refer to physical injuries. The definition has
since expanded to further encompass psychological and spiritual
wounds as well.
Complex and relational trauma are terms used to describe the
experience of multiple traumatic events that are ongoing, such as
abuse or neglect, and that are interpersonal in nature.
Some trauma experts have begun to further simplify the definition of
trauma, framing it as the experience of broken connection.
... trauma and attachment wounds are not just an individual or
relational experience. They also stem from the world we are in,
where injustice and power imbalances have been unaddressed, all
shaping and informing our experiences.
## The Nested Model of Attachment and Trauma
Attachment unfolds over multiple levels of human experience. When
referring to different levels of experience, I am pointing to the
different dimensions or aspects of our human experience: self,
relationships, home, local communities and culture, societal, and the
globe or collective. These different levels may seem separate and
different from one another, yet they are all interconnected...
The current literature on attachment predominantly focuses on the
self and relational levels.
Research and literature on attachment have provided undeniable
evidence about how relationships with our parents and lovers shape
our attachment style, but the impact of siblings is not as commonly
discussed, despite being just as important to our attachment style.
Friendships that function as a primary attachment can also leave a
painful mark on one's heart and a significant attachment disturbance
when there is betrayal, dishonesty, ghosting, or drama that ends in
the loss of friendship.
Today the local culture and communities level also include virtual
culture and online communities. We can physically be in our homes
but have our minds and hearts somewhere else completely, in the
virtual world.
School culture is another important aspect of this level, since most
children spend the majority of their waking hours in the classroom,
cafeterias, and schoolyard.
The earth is alive. It is where we come from, it is what nourishes
life, and it is where we will return to. If we are going to talk
about attachment relationships it would be remiss not to mention our
original mother: Mother Earth.
# Chapter 4: Consensual Nonmonogamy
Perel reminds us that there is plenty of evidence that the monogamous
model doesn't necessarily work, with many people endorsing a
"proclaimed monogamy," while actually performing "clandestine
nonmonogamy."
When comparing people in monogamous relationships to people in CNM
relationships, researches have found that CNM relationships have
similar levels of commitment, longevity, satisfaction, passion, and
love as monogamous relationships do. Additionally, despite what
people might presume, CNM relationships also have been found to have
greater levels of trust and lower levels of jealousy than monogamous
ones.
## Why Nonmonogamy?
Instead of expecting one partner to meet all of their needs, people
engaged in CNM felt that a major advantage of being nonmonogamous was
the ability to have their different needs met by more than one
person, as well as being able to experience a variety of nonsexual
activities that one relationship may not fulfill. The other notable
relational benefit to people in CNM relationships was personal
growth--people reported feeling that being nonmonogamous afforded
them increased freedom from restriction, self and sexual expression,
and the ability to grow and develop. The authors of this research
state that people in monogamous relationships may also experience
such benefits, but these... were mostly highlighted by people in CNM
relationships, offering some potentially interesting insight into
their motivations for participating in CNM.
[The author also discusses lifestyle versus orientation. Lifestyle
is a choice and may change over time. Orientation is not a choice
and is part of who a person essentially is. Nonmonogamy can be
either.]
# Chapter 5: Attachment and Nonmonogamy
Attachment research and resources for CNM relationships are scarce.
It is safe to say that the field of attachment theory is highly
mononormative. The overwhelming majority of research conducted to
understand adult romantic attachment is undertaken with monogamous
couples, and advice about how to establish a secure attachment either
assumes monogamy or outright prescribes monogamy as a necessary
precondition for establishing safety and security.
Differences in motivation and experiences are to be expected and are
not inherently a problem, but some behaviors such as casual sex,
one-night stands, sex outside of marriage, multiple sexual partners,
partaking in bondage, voyeurism, exhibitionism, and even sexting are
all associated with insecure attachment. The problem gets even
bigger when people take these research findings a step further and
conclude that since these sexual behaviors are the types of behaviors
that nonmonogamous people participate in, then nonmonogamy must in and
of itself be an expression of insecure attachment. ... many of my
clients have unfortunately heard previous therapists equate being CNM
with attachment insecurity and pathologize them for their lifestyle
and sexuality. In such cases it is important to distinguish between
the intentions behind specific sexual behaviors instead of just
looking at the sex act itself.
When we start to dig into the current research on CNM and attachment,
we find the research is extremely limited. The good news is that
what little research has been done thus far demonstrates that people
in CNM relationships are just as likely to be securely attached as
people in monogamous relationships. (No difference in attachment
anxiety levels, and lower in attachment avoidance than people in
monogamous relationships were). This suggests that people in CNM
relationships exhibit characteristics of secure attachment, maybe
even more so than people in monogamous relationships.
Similar to how a child can be securely attached to one parent, while
simultaneously insecurely attached to another parent, polyamorous
adults can have different attachment styles with different romantic
partners that are independent of each other.
When it comes to advice on how to cultivate secure attachment in
nonmonogamous relationships, the literature is practically
non-existent.
Regarding Stan Tatkin's Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy
(PACT). The PACT method is well-researched and has been designed to
help adult romantic relationships securely function.
... secure attachment is an embodied expression built upon how we
consistently respond and attune to each other, not something that
gets created through structure and hierarchy. Relationship structure
does not guarantee emotional security.
The takeaway message here is not to abolish all relationship
hierarchies or shared bank accounts, but instead for people to
procure secure attachment from their relationship experiences instead
of their relationship structures. Allow your direct experience with
a partner to be the vehicle to secure attachment instead of having
certain relationship concepts, narratives, or structures be the
vehicle.
# Chapter 6: The Importance of Attachment in Consensual Nonmonogamy
As CNM individuals and couples began to seek my counsel, I began to
notice two different camps: those who were mostly thriving and those
who seemed to be barely surviving. For those who were thriving, our
work was often short-term.
I call these people who thrive with their multiple partners
polysecure. This is the state of being both securely attached to
multiple romantic partners and having enough internal security to be
able to navigate the structural relational insecurity inherent to
nonmonogamy, as well as the increased complexity and uncertainty that
occurs when having multiple partners and metamours. More succinctly,
being polysecure is having secure attachment with yourself and your
multiple partners.
To me, telling people who are struggling with the transition from
monogamy to CNM to go back to monogamy because CNM is too difficult
would be like telling the new parents of an infant who are struggling
without sleep or personal time that maybe they should just send the
kid back, since they didn't have any of these issues before the child
arrived. This analogy may seem ridiculous because you literally
can't send the kid back, but that can be exactly what it can feel
like for people who have made the transition out of monogamy into
CNM, especially for people who experience CNM not as a lifestyle
choice but as who they fundamentally are.
Unlike the built-in security that can ostensibly come from being
monogamous, CNM is a relationship structure that is inherently
insecure.
This form of relationship can bring up levels of uncertainty that
many people are not yet equipped for, especially when they don't have
enough internal secure attachment.
In CNM, it is not necessary for all our relationships to be
attachment-based. There is a difference between being in a secure
connection with someone and having a securely attached relationship.
Secure connections are with people or partners who we don't have
daily or regular contact with, but with whom we know that when we
reach out it will feel as if a moment hasn't passed. We are secure
in the bond that we have with such people, and this bond might be
immensely meaningful, special, and important to us, but it's not
necessarily a relationship that requires us to invest regular
maintenance and attention. In CNM, these might be the partners we
refer to as comets, satellites, or casual. They're the people we see
at special events a few times a year or our less-involved
long-distance relationships. Securely attached relationships are
based on consistency and reliability. These are the people who are
there for each other in responsive and attuned ways more times than
not. They are our "go-to" people who have our back and to whom we
can turn when we feel hurt or threatened and/or need support,
comfort, or reassurance. They're the people we're excited to share
our latest discoveries with.
Some people prefer not to define their relationships, preferring to
explore and experience them without labels or traditional
expectations. As long as this level of ambiguity or relational
fluidity is a match for everyone involved, it can be a very
liberating and satisfying way to relate with others. But when
someone casts a partner in the role of attachment figure, but that
person is unable or unwilling to play the part, much pain,
frustration, disappointment, heartache, and attachment anxiety
ensues.
# Chapter 7: The Foundations of Being Polysecure In Your Relationships
Ideally, any type of relationship, regardless of how involved or not,
is ethical, respectful, has open communication, and is considerate of
everyone involved. But when we are in attachment-based relationships
more is required, so the rest of this book will center on people who
are (or want to be) in polyamorous attachment-based relationships.
## Do We Want To Be Attachment-Based Partners?
The antecedent to being polysecure with your partners is first
getting clear about whether you want to be attachment figures for
each other.
In monogamy, usually at some point people have the commitment
conversation in hopes of better defining their relationship, but
exactly what that means to each person and all of the assumptions and
expectations that each person is carrying are often left minimally
discussed, if they are articulated at all. In nonmonogamy, unspoken
expectations and assumptions typically don't bode very well, and
intentional discussions about exactly what we're doing and why we are
together are important for everyone involved to feel safe and secure.
For us to feel safe and secure in our relationships, we need to know
that our partners want to be there for us and will be to the best of
their ability, and so some level of commitment to being in a
relationship together is important.
Commitment can be expressed in many ways. Traditionally it is
solidified through marriage, owning property, having kids, or wearing
certain types of jewelry, but legal, domestic, or ornamental
undertakings are not the only ways to show dedication. In a 2018
talk on solo polyamory at the Boulder Nonmonogamy Talk Series, Kim
Keane offered the following ways that people practicing nonmonogamy
can demonstrate commitment to their partners:
* Sharing intimate details (homes, dreams, fears) and being
vulnerable with each other.
* Introducing partners to people who are important to you.
* Helping your partners with moving, parking, homework, job hunting,
shopping, etc.
* Having regular time together, both mundane and novel.
* Making the person a priority. (I suggest defining what "being a
priority" means to each of you.)
* Planning trips together.
* Being available to partners when they are sick or in need.
* Collaborating on projects together.
* Having frequent communication.
* Offering physical, logistical, or emotional support.
In each of your relationships that are already attachment-based, or
for the relationships that you would like to become more
attachment-based, discuss the following questions with your partners.
* What does commitment mean to you?
* What aspects of commitment are most important to you? (structural,
emotional, or public).
* Why do we want to be attachment figures for each other?
* What does being an attachment figure look like to you?
* Do we have the time and availability to offer this level of
involvement?
In each of your relationships that are attachment-based or for the
relationships that you would like to become more attachment-based,
ask yourself:
* How does this partner already act as a safe haven for me?
* In what ways do they show up for me that feel supportive and
comforting?
* How can this partner help me feel even more safe with them?
* How can this partner help me feel even more supported and comforted
by them, in general, or in specific situations?
* In what cans can I show up more as a safe haven for this partner?
When safety is established with our attachment figures and we have an
internalized felt sense that we can turn towards them and lean on
them when needed, we are freed up to securely turn away from them and
engage in the world, whether with them by our side or on our own. A
secure base provides the platform from which we can move out in the
larger world, explore, and take risks. This exploration facilitates
our sense of personal competence and healthy autonomy. Secure base
partners will not only support our explorations, but will also offer
guidance when solicited and lovingly call us on our shit. They
function as a compassionate mirror for our blind spots and all the
ways we may be fooling ourselves...
In simple terms, I see being a safe haven as serving the role of
accepting and being with me as I am, and a secure base as supporting
me to grow beyond who I am.
Examples of things you and your partner can do to be secure bases for
each other:
* Encourage each other's personal growth and development
* Support each other's work and/or interests
* Listen to each other's hopes, dreams, and visions
* Listen when your partners share about their experiences in other
relationships (assuming that the information shared is appropriate
and consensual).
* Have conversations about things that are intellectually or
emotionally stimulating to each other
* Acknowledge each other's capacities and possibilities for growth
* Compassionately bring light to your partner's limitations and blind
spots
* Offer words of encouragement when your partners take on new
responsibilities, go on dates with others, take a risk, or learn
something new.
In each of your relationships that are attachment-based, or for the
relationships that you would like to become more attachment-based,
ask yourself:
* How is this partner already acting as a secure base for me?
* What does growth look like for me? Is it usually a shared or a
personal experience, or both?
* Are there ways that I want encouragement or support in my
individual growth or with my visions and dreams?
* How could my partners support me in regard to my other
relationships?
* How could I better support or encourage my partners' dreams or
aspirations to grow and develop?
* How could I better show genuine interest or curiosity in things
that are important to my partners?
* How could I better support my partners in their other
relationships?
... To me, this demonstrates the importance of how we do not always
have to turn to our partners to meet our safe haven or secure base
needs, especially when our pre-established relationship dynamics are
working well. We can focus on cultivating a more secure attachment
with ourselves, which is one of the pillars of being polysecure.
# Chapter 8: The Hearts of Being Polysecure
... the acronym HEARTS, which I use to encapsulate the different
ingredients, skills, capacities, and ways of being required for
secure functioning in multiple attachment-based partnerships.
H: Here (being here and present with me)
E: Expressed Delight
A: Attunement
R: Rituals and Routines
T: Turning Towards After Conflict
S: Secure Attachment With Self
## H: Are You Here?
When we experience our partners as being here with us, it results in
positive beliefs that our partners care about us, we matter to them,
and we are worthy of their love and attention. Conversely, when our
partners are unavailable, unresponsive, or mentally elsewhere,
attachment insecurity can arise, feeding the fears and doubts that we
are not valued, loved, or worthy.
Attachment is an embodied experience, and it is first through being
present with ourselves in our own bodies and present with our loved
ones that the rest of the attachment-based skills and capacities of
the HEART of being polysecure can be developed and expressed.
* How do you show that you are here with your partners?
* How could you be more present when you are with your partners?
* Are there ways that you could be more available and responsive to
your partners?
* How do your partners demonstrate that they are being present with
you?
* Do you trust that your partners will be available and responsive if
and when you need them?
* Are there things that your partners could do that would enhance
your sense that they are here with yo when you are together and
here for you in general?
Things to try:
* When you are struggling with being present because you are in
conflict with another partner or have other life stressors going
on, the next best thing you can do is just name what is tugging at
your presence. You do not necessarily have to go fully into what
is distracting you... but being able to name where you are at and
what is preventing you from being fully present (instead of trying
to pretend that you're fine when you're clearly not) is another way
of being present with where you are in that moment. It may not be
ideal, but it is honest and partners will typically appreciate
this.
* As best as you can, clearly communicate when you will be
unavailable...
## E: Expressed Delight
The next thing that you can do to nurture more polysecurity with your
partners is offer expressed delight. Brown and Elliot describe
expressed delight as one of the foundational elements of secure
attachment. When a parent shows pleasure not just in the things that
their child does, but in who their child is, a positive sense and
healthy self-esteem are fostered in the child. As adults, expressed
delight is also needed to promote secure attachment and a healthy
sense of self within the relationship. When our partners are able to
articulate the ways that we are special and valuable to them, our
interpersonal self-worth is supported. When we express the ways that
we appreciate and are grateful for our partners, we create a culture
of positivity in our relationships that allows mutual vulnerability,
authenticity, and joy to flourish. We can express the delight we
have for our partners through our words, our actions, our touch, as
well as just the look in our eyes.
* How do you already show expressed delight for your partners?
* Would your partners like more or different expressed delight from
you? How can you provide this?
* How do your partners let you know that you are unique, special, and
precious to them?
* Are there additional or different ways that you would like to
experience expressed delight from your partners?
* Are there certain situations that expressed delight is more or less
supporting to you and/or your partners?
## A: Attunement
Our attachment bonds are emotional bonds, and being able to
emotionally tune into and connect with our partners is at the core of
feeling safe and secure together. Attunement is a state of resonance
with our partners and the act of turning towards them in an attempt
to understand the fullness of their perspective and experience.
Attunement is meeting your partner with curiosity, wanting to
understand their feelings and needs. It is the feeling of being
seen, understood, and "gotten" by the other.
There are certain challenges with attunement that can surface in
attachment-based relationships. They include how to stay attuned to
your partner when they are upset with you and how to stay attuned if
you get triggered by them.
* How do you experience your partners attuning to you?
* How do you know that your partners "get" you and care about your
experience?
* In what ways do you already attune to your partners?
* How could you better or differently attune to your partners to
support them in feeling even more seen and understood?
* Are there ways that you would like your partners to better or
differently attune to you that would support you in feeling even
more seen and understood?
## R: Rituals and Routines
Our attachment system is comforted by routine and regularity.
The routines that we can rely on and look forward to are an important
part of secure functioning in our CNM attachment-based relationships.
It is also important to create rituals and routines that honor the
transitional moments when you and your partners are parting or
reuniting. Our attachment systems are very sensitive to comings and
goings. Abrupt departures and sudden arrivals can all be jarring to
the nervous system, and hellos or goodbyes left unacknowledged can be
disconnective.
* What are the routines my partners and I already have that are
meaningful to me and support me in feeling safe and secure
together?
* What rituals have we participated in or what relationship rites of
passage have we gone through that have brought us closer?
* How do I like to be celebrated or to celebrate others?
* Are there any daily or regular routines that would support me in
feeling more secure with my partners?
* Are there any relationship rites of passage or rituals that could
further deepen our bond?
* What do you and your partners each need to reconnect with each
other after being apart?
* Are there ways of checking in or saying goodbye before going on a
date with another person that would create more safety and
security? How do you want to connect or be approached afterwards?
## T: Turning Towards After Conflict
In any relationship, ruptures are inevitable. What matters is not
that we have ruptures, but how we repair them. Conflicts left
unrepaired can leave lasting effects on our sense of trust, safety,
and security.
[Happy couples] are able to learn from what went wrong and see that
repairing the relationship is more important than the problem itself.
... how skillful the repair attempt was did not necessarily predict
how effective the repair was. Repairs didn't have to be perfectly
executed as much as they had to be genuine. ... resilience after
conflict was related to how much a couple was making regular
"deposits into their emotional bank account."
* Are there certain themes to the conflicts that you have with your
partners?
* When there has been a rupture, do you and your partners already
repair well? How do you do this?
* How are you at offering a repair? What comes easily to you and
what feels difficult?
* How are you with receiving a repair from your partner?
* When there has been a rupture, what things could you do differently
to better repair with your partner? What requests do you have from
your partners around this?
Things to try:
* Check out The Five Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman
* Check out the R.A.D.A.R. relationship check-in method as developed
by the Multiamory podcast crew to support regular check-ins and
conflict management
(DIR) The Five Languages of Apology
# Chapter 9: The S in HEARTS--Secure Attachment With Self
... the establishment of a secure relationship with oneself is needed
to fully embody healthy attachment with others, so much so that it
requires its own chapter.
When we have experienced attachment insecurely with
caregivers--whether in childhood, in our adult relationships, or as
disruptions in any of the levels discussed in the nested model of
attachment and trauma--our primary relationship with ourself can
become severed and the development of certain capacities and skills
can become compromised.
Internal attachment healing is needed for the HEART of secure
functioning to become possible and then take root in our
relationships. YOU are the source of your happiness, love, courage,
emotional regulation, and purpose, and the sooner that you can
release your partner from being the source of these experiences the
better for everyone involved (metamours included).
Knowing how to stand securely on your own two feet and how to be your
own safe haven and secure base is fundamental to building your
internal secure attachment. I would say this to anyone practicing
monogamy, but it is even more imperative in nonmonogamous
relationships. In polyamory, we need the internal security of being
anchored in our inner strength and inner nurturer to navigate a
relationship structure that is considered less secure. You must be a
priority in your own life. Secure attachment with yourself means
being aware of your feelings and desires, as well as being able to
tend to your own needs and knowing how to advocate for them in
relationships.
Those of us who [have attachment insecurity] can still develop earned
secure attachment. At the self level, one way to develop earned
secure attachment is through making sense of our story.
According to Daniel Siegel, we can make sense of our attachment
history by creating a coherent narrative of our past experiences. By
telling the stories that have been previously unspoken, we allow
ourselves to feel what has been unfelt and bring love to what has
seemed unlovable. When we are able to describe our painful past
experiences and craft them into a narrative that makes sense to us,
healing occurs and our brains can literally be rewired for more
secure functioning. [No, not literally. Our brains don't have
wires.]
When crafting the stories of your insecurely attached past, it is
important not only to be able to describe and allow the feelings
associated with what you've gone through, but also develop an
appreciation for the attachment survival adaptations that you took
on. Your attachment adaptations are what worked best in the
environment that you were embedded in, and it is important to
recognize the power and wisdom in the different styles that you
constructed. As we give voice to our past, accept and allow our
pain, and even appreciate the ways we were shaped from this, we are
better able to take responsibility for the ways that we still need to
grow and show up differently for ourselves and in our relationships.
The HEART of secure functioning is not just for your relationships
with partners, but it can be directly applied to your relationship
with yourself.
## H: Being Here With Myself
In order to create internal security, we must first inhabit our own
being. We must fully occupy our bodies, which are the storehouse of
our feelings, needs, pains, desires, and longings.
Being our own safe haven and secure base requires that we first have
the capacity to be with ourself. To sit, to listen, to be available
to whatever arises within us. Life occurs in the present moment and
our healing needs the fullness of our attention in the here and now
to take place. Through embodiment, we can learn how to tolerate the
uncomfortable feelings and sensations that might be necessary to move
through in order to heal. We can also learn to allow positive
sensations and feelings that might have been previously exiled.
* In general, how comfortable or uncomfortable do you feel being
alone with yourself?
* What are the subtle and overt ways that you avoid being present
with yourself?
* What does being present with yourself mean to you? How would it
look?
* What does bring more embodied mean to you? How would that look?
* If you were more present and embodied, what possibilities in your
life or relationships could open up?
## E: Express Delight For Myself
When applying the attachment need of expressed delight to yourself,
we are talking about an inner sense of joy, appreciation, and
pleasure in your own being and existence. ... as adults, our positive
sense of self cannot be solely contingent on the expressed delight of
those around us. We need to cultivate expressed delight for
ourselves in order to maintain a positive sense of worth and healthy
appreciation for who and how we are that is sustainable and resilient.
I am talking about the importance of positive self-talk and being
kind and loving to yourself in ways that you would probably treat a
friend, but so frequently forget when it comes to your relationship
with yourself.
Even a small shift in the way you talk to yourself has significant
physical and mental health benefits and can influence your ability to
regulate your feelings, thoughts, and behavior under stress.
[Positive self-talk] is about having an inner dialogue that is
forgiving, understanding, flexible, and holds a larger, often more
realistic perspective than the negative, defeated, or abusive
self-talk that we often tolerate as the inner status quo. Expressed
delight for yourself would mean being able to see your strengths,
positive attributes, qualities, and ways of being that you can be
proud of and grateful for, as well as seeing where there is still
room for self-improvement. When we delight in our children or our
partners, we don't necessarily see them as perfect. In fact, we
usually them them with all their amazing, difficult, and quirky
qualities and choose to take delight in their fullness,
contradictions and all. Can you do this for yourself?
The inner critic and shameful parts of us can have a prominent impact
through the ways they shape and history our view of self, other, and
world, and when in the driver's seat these parts can wreak much
havoc, but they are not the totality of who we are. Just as our
attachment styles are not the fullness of who we are, these parts are
also just an aspect of ourselves that can be healed and transformed.
* What does expressed delight look like for you right now?
* How could you increase your self-expressed delight?
* Do you struggle with critical and shameful inner parts that
sabotage your ability to value and appreciate yourself?
* What would become more possible for you in regard to yourself and
your relationships if expressed delight was more central to your
inner experience?
Things to try:
* Check out Rick Hanson's "Hardwiring Happiness" or Joe Dispenza's
"Becoming Supernatural," which both focus on how to create positive
changes within your inner landscape.
## A: Attuning To Yourself
When we are able to tune in and tend to our needs from the inside
first, we may still seek outward support, comfort, and guidance from
our partners, but our fundamental well-being and sense of being OK
are not dependent on it.
When applied to the self, attunement is our ability to turn inward in
order to become receptive and aware of our interior world.
Self-attunement is the inner inquiry into what you are feeling,
needing, thinking, and experiencing. Self-attunement facilitates
self-knowing, which furthers our ability to self-regulate and soothe
our own physiological and emotional states, as well as respond
appropriately to our environment.
People with more attachment anxiety tend to seek outward regulation
from others... Seeking this external regulation from others is often
at the exclusion of their own self-regulation and their own sense of
self.
People functioning from a dismissive attachment style steer clear of
trying to emotionally regulate with others because, in many ways,
they don't even see it as a possibility. The co-regulation that a
child needs and would experience with an attachment figure was not
available to them, so they learned to take care of themselves by
disengaging from others and taking space to regulate. From the
outside, it may look like people with avoidant attachment are able to
self-regulate well since they are comfortable on their own, but
usually they are not self-attuning and self-soothing as much as they
are autoregulating--that is, partaking in activities that are more
about zoning out or tuning out in order to dissociate from their
internal states than tuning into and intentionally working with their
internal states.
Auto-Regulation (It just happens)
* Self-stimulation or self-soothing done more automatically than
consciously.
* Auto-regulation is done alone, so there is no interpersonal
stress.
* Can be similar to overfocusing on an object or task and can be
dissociative or zoning out.
[Sounds like it has some overlap with the autism spectrum.]
External Regulation (You do it)
* Reaching for another to help regulate and soothe you.
* Interactive, but only focusing on one person attuning to the other
at a time.
* Can overfocus on either the self or the other.
Interactive Regulation (We do it)
* Mutual or coregulation with another where both people are
regulating each other.
* Skin to skin and eye to eye contact.
* Both people are attuning to each other.
Self-Regulation (I do it)
* Regulating one's own state through active or intentional techniques
that are self-soothing or stimulating.
* Ability to exhibit self-control through managing bodily or
emotional impulses.
[Some autoregulation behaviors can also be examples of
self-regulating when they are intentional.]
* What does self-regulation look like for you?
* In what ways do you autoregulate or try to use others to regulate,
so that you don't have to self-regulate?
* What would self-regulation look like for you?
* How would you like to increase your self-attunement and
self-regulation?
* What is your relationship with your inner nurturer like and how can
this part of you become more front and center in your relationship
with yourself?
## R: Rituals and Routines For A Secure Self
When focusing on establishing a more secure relationship with
yourself, one of the most influential routines we can implement is
what I refer to as self-alignment practices. Many of us already have
a sense of the parts of us that we might refer to as our better self
or higher self, or what I refer to as my secure self or aligned self
(this is the part of me that is aligned with my better skills,
values, visions, and morals).
* What routines and rituals do you have that support you in your
well-being and self-care?
* What routines and rituals do you need to add into your day or week
that would even better support you in your well-being and self-care?
* Are there larger rituals or rites of passage that you would like to
experience?
* What practices do you already do that align you with your better or
secure self?
* What practices could you take on to align yourself with the secure
you?
## T: Turning Towards Yourself After Inner Conflict & Doing Trigger Management
How we treat ourselves when we have made a mistake, when there is an
internal battle between different parts of ourselves, or when we have
fallen short of our own standards, ethics, or expectations, is
imperative in building a stronger inner security foundation.
One important aspect in working with your inner critic and being able
to reduce the impact of its harsh ways is learning how to translate
its message.
Just as we want to speak for our parts [inner critic] instead of from
them, we also want to learn how to respond to our triggers instead
of reacting from them. Understanding and inquiring into your
triggers can be a powerful way to heal past pain and transform
outdated beliefs or stories that you might still be stuck in.
* How do you treat yourself when you make a mistake or fall short of
your own standards and expectations?
* How do you respond to yourself when you have an inner conflict?
* How would you like to treat yourself differently?
* What would become possible for you if you did this?
* How frequently are you getting triggered and how does this impact you?
* What could you do to better manage your triggers, both
preventatively and during an actual trigger?
Things to try:
* Check our Deirdre Fay's workbook Becoming Safely Embodied: A
Skills-Based Approach to Working with Trauma and Dissociation
* Check out Bonnie Weiss and Jay Earley's book, Freedom from Your
Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach
(DIR) Principles of Becoming Safely Embodied
author: Fern, Jessica
(HTM) detail: https://thornapplepress.ca/polysecure/
LOC: HQ980 .F47
tags: book,love,non-fiction,self-help
title: Polysecure
# Tags
(DIR) book
(DIR) love
(DIR) non-fiction
(DIR) self-help